I need your help......please!

[whispywhisp]

I would value everyone's comments on this dilema I'm now in, whether good or bad, please.

I have two dds. One is 9yrs old, the other is almost 4yrs old.

The 9yr old has started to have real attitude problems. She hasn't been well over the last few weeks but with plenty of TLC and Dr/Hosp help she is now much better. She developed IBS after a dreadful few weeks with a sickness bug.

Anyway she is, imo, being absolutely vile towards me and dh. She doesn't like it if she can't get her own way and tonight she flatly refused to do something that I'd asked her to do and was quite nasty about it. I try my absolute hardest to ignore her when she is being like this. Yesterday she went into one of her moods over something else and stomped off. She slams doors. She shouts. She snatches from her sister. All in all there are moments when I could quite easily give her up. She will answer me back. Then there are times she can be lovely.

I told her last night, after her moody episode, that she should be grateful for what she has because there are a lot of kids that are worse off. After spending a good half hour talking to her about it she apologised and went to bed happy. Then we get it all over again today.

I threatened them both (youngest dd hasn't been angel today either) that if they both played up or answered me back or were simply lacking respect for either me or dh I would cancel Christmas ....and you could say that I have because I have just thrown the Christmas tree out the back door. They have both been put to bed and both are fast asleep.

Now what do I do? I know it sounds really cruel that I have followed through with my threat but quite honestly I have had enough. The one thing I can't handle is a complete lack of respect for me and DH which DD1 has really shone through with over the last few days. I know kids get excited over Christmas etc but that isn't an excuse for their behaviour, is it?

Please can anyone give me some ideas of what to do? I am at a loss. Sorry. .... I'm getting ready for the nasty comments as well as perhaps a few positive ones. xx

keep your chin up - this time of year is hard, kids get overexcited like you said. I would take some of their presents away (without them knowing obviously, it would be ultra cruel to show them the pressie and then take it away) if there behaviour improves you can always give them back.

Have you asked her why she's behaving the way she is? Have you told her how much it upsets everyone?

Well. I was going to say let Santa leave some coal in their stockings, but then i don't know if they've been that bad.

You could write a list of some of the things that have gone on over the year (disguised in Santas handwriting), weighing up DD1s and DD2s good and bad points, and when you have done this, you might have a better idea what to do.
I would also include the list in their stocking to illustrate Santa's decision.

Please feel free to ignore me, as i really haven't done this myself. Hope you get it sorted though.

On looking at the latest posts - would it help to have a private chat, now with DD1? She may be asleep, but wouldn't it be better to sort it before morning?

Hi - yes I have spent many a moment sat with her, on our own, asking why she is like this and her replies are always the same - 'I don't know'. I told her that only she is in control of what she says and she must know why she is like this and she just shrugs her shoulders and says she doesn't know.

I've had people tell me it could be hormonal, tiredness, lacking in something in her diet etc etc.

There are times when she can be such a lovely helpful kind loving girl - she loves a cuddle and is always there with a kiss for us. I have always had quite a close relationship with her because I didn't have that closeness with my own parents. My DH is a fantastic Dad - he is such a 'hands on' guy and if he can see I'm struggling to talk to her he will offer to come in and help and we'll sit with her together.

Today I walked into town with her - just her and me - and we talk about anything and everything. We went shopping and had a lovely time. I always try to find plenty of opportunities to have one-to-ones with her.

She does have a huge jealousy problem with dd2 - she's always been quite envious of dd2 who is a much happier and easier child to look after but if she gets more of our time than dd1 it's dd1 who kicks up.

DH has gone out with the dogs now - he's at a loss as to know what to do. We've tried talking about it - fortunately dh and I do talk a lot and we help each other out on parenting issues - but I know he's really not happy about it all and that's why he's gone out on his own.

I just wish I knew how to handle all this. I want them to enjoy their Christmas - why should I cancel it just because of dd1 - what about dd2? I'm really fed up with this and just don't know what to do.

I don't want to be seen as a Mum who makes these threats and doesn't carry them through either - no matter how cruel I may seem to be - because otherwise they'll just think I'm a complete push-over! x

bumcheek - she is fast asleep - I'm not going to wake her now. She's been asleep for the last hour which is quite unusual for her. She told dh before she went to bed that if she went down and apologised to me would we still have Christmas? .... I guess she thinks if she says she's sorry everything will be alright, until the following day when she'll throw a wobbler over something else again and we're back to square one.

DD1 and 2 are 10 and they are quite hormonal...and have been for over a year. They needed time and guidance (omg i am sounding like i know wtf i am talking about, but i really don't) to gain control of their temper.

It was easier for them than most people i think though because they've seen me battling with my temper enough times , and it sounds very similar to what is happening with your DD.
I fly into a rage at the slightest provocation - people don't even realise that they've said anything wrong before i am shouting at them and blaming them for causing an (very one-sided) argument!
I need to be reminded that i am doing this for no reason, and that i am losing control and hurting people (not physically btw), before i calm down. Hugs sometimes help too.

Does that sound in any way familiar with DD1? Not that it'll help but you might understand better!

Sounds like me as a kid. Can't offer any insights except now I'm older (and a parent) I can see my mum and I fed off each other and I took my lead from her. I know that sounds like I'm judging you and I'm not because I don't know you from Eve. (or Adam). Anyway, all else I can suggest is homeopathy as there are such things as 'constitutional remedies' which may help. Good luck, it's bloody hard work I know. Merry Christmas.

It's only 7:50 now. I think I'd go up and have a talk with her. She wanted to apologise, let her. Okay so it might all go round again tomorrow but then again maybe not. I think cancelling christmas is huge thing to do. I wouldn't do that. You have to really think through the consequences of your threats before you make them and weigh up whether it's really worth it. Think what you trying to achieve and is what you are doing working? Sometimes you have to find ways to calm the situation down. Not always easy if you are tired or stressed yourself.
I do think it can be a hormonal thing at this age and frustrating as it is, with support they do come through it. Although, it may get worse before it gets better. Not always though

Yes I can have a temper - maybe thats part of the problem. I do lose my rag with them especially when they are bickering. DD2 has this dreadful habit of wanting something and wanting it NOW and not waiting and getting into a strop over it. There have been so many times when I've had to count to ten just to calm myself down.

I'm not a young Mum - nor old really - I'm almost 40y and I just think wtf am I doing this? I desperately want to work and can't because the youngest doesn't start school until Sept 08. I desperately want a break. I never get a break other than when dh takes them to the park/shopping etc.

I used to love Christmas. I now see Christmas as a complete waste of time, effort and money. Sorry - but I'm on a real downer at the moment. x

Oh whispywhisp. I know how you feel. Although my DH is also at home the only time i get a break from the kids is when i am doing chores out of the house - about once a week from 9.30 til 11am when i do the weekly shop (fun city).

Does DD1 get a little time apart from DD2? And when DD2 is in bed do you ever watch telly together (with DH) as a family? These are a few of the things that keep our older kids sane (ish) i think.

Have you considered that it might be her hormones kicking in? I know she's only 9 but its a real possibility. Have you tried asking her how she feels when she's behaving that way and whether she likes herself at that point. She might be crying out for some explanation as to why her emotions going haywire.
Good luck. hope you all have a lovely christmas

Hi everyone.

Yes I do try to have time with dd1 on my own. We have evenings when dd2 will go to bed on time/early and I'll let dd1 stay up a bit later just so we can watch a bit of tv together - or, as we both love reading, we snuggle down with our books and compare stories. She has evenings when I may go to bed early and she'll stay up with dh and play a board game or simply do something together.

I had thought it may be hormones - especially as she'll cry for no apparent reason. She just seems to flick a switch and become a different child - a child that I have to admit I don't like.

Oh well, I'll just keep going I guess. They both push my patience to the limit sometimes - I find it very hard not to shout at them - it does me no favours by shouting and I sometimes wonder how much they actually understand when I do try to talk to them, especially dd1. It's not easy trying to explain a situation and how I would like her to behave and for a 9yo to understand, iyswim. xx

Being a parent does feel like an exercise in developing patience, at times.
I find it helps if I talk to mine and ask them what they think would help the situation. I spell out to them what the problem is and then ask for their suggestions. I add my thoughts and we can usually agree on something. They are more willing to follow a course of action that they have been involved in devising. My experience of 9yo is that they do try hard to please but go a bit crazy in a hormonal fashion every now and then and need calming down again as they seem to have little control of their emotions at times.

Do you think being 9yo is an in-between age? Ie you're not a toddler/young child but not a teenager either? I can't remember back to when I was 9 but I know my parents would never have put up with some of the behaviour dd1 is showing. My DH says 'what would your parents have done if you were like her at 9' and my reply is usually the same - be sent to my room and stay there until tea-time and then it'd be tea and bed. My parents were a lot harder than I am - perhaps I am too soft - perhaps I do give in too easily - I just want a bit of peace and quiet, that's all!

I do think that around 8 or 9 is when the hormones seem to be starting to warm up iykwim. Not the full-blown puberty thing but definitely things seem to start happening in fits and bursts. I try to treat mine how I would like to be treated but obviously with some allowances for their younger age and inexperience. They do drive you crazy at times and counting to ten is a very useful skill.
It does sound as though you would benefit from some time to yourself doing something you enjoy. Is there some way you could arrange something once a week for yourself to give you some breathing space?

Hi juule. Yes I can give myself more space once they are both back at school/playgroup next week. Then I get a few extra precious hours to myself, when I'm not working.

I do miss peace and solitude sometimes. I'm not one to be on my own all the time but I simply miss the quiet.

I've been talking to dh tonight and he agrees its probably hormonal with her - she's a very tall girl for her age, although very slim, but she's gone quite pale recently too and with being ill (in hosp at one point only 2 wks ago) she's had a lot on her plate.

She woke up an hour or so ago - she went to the loo and when she headed back to bed I went up to her and quickly asked her if she was ok and she said yes and that she was really sorry for making me cross and that she loves me and as we said goodnight she added 'thanks for being my Mum' - xx

Being smug and perhaps unhelpful here, but I would send them to their grandparents. I can ensure you that a week with Oma and my dc would be begging to come back home. Your post reminds me of one of the Simpson episodes. Bart, Lisa and baby are being difficult and Marge is feeling worn down. When Homer suggests to Marge they go off for a romantic weekend, they leave Bart, Lisa and baby with the aunties. When Marge and Homer come to fetch them, the kids are so grateful. I realise that your 9 year old has been ill and she needs TLC, but YOU need TLC too. You have feelings and I think you need to make your family aware of that. Being a mummy does not make you an insensitve, unemotional doormat. Make sure your family realise this and that although you may have the patience of a saint there are limits. Dh needs to support you on this one too.

Whispywhisp - that sounds lovely I'm glad Christmas eve ended on a good note with you and your dd. Hope today is lovely for you all
Best wishes.

Send them to their Grandparents? Oh dear...not possible. My Dad died two years ago and my Mum has gone away over Xmas. DH's parents have nothing to do with us - they cut their ties a few years ago - they simply couldn't come round to the idea that I'd married their son!

Actually she's not been too bad today - it's been me today in a dreadful mood - I must be hormonal - I'm so tired, can't get warm, fed up, headachey and generally very run down - I've had a monthly for over two weeks (change of pill) so not a good day for me today. PLUS.....DH bought me some Yardley and Bronnley soap and talc - lovely idea but I half expected him to produce a pair of velcro slippers, pair of knitting needles with wool and a zimmer frame to go with it!

Hey ho....that's another Christmas done and dusted I guess. Roll on 2008 xx

My DD is 9yo and also full of hormones.

Flouncing, swishing, crying, slamming doors - full on teeny behaviour.

I find it easier to think of it as a kind of medical issue and so be immensely caring and gentle with her. After all, the hormonal shift they have at this age is as sigificant as the menopause, and if we have friends who are menopausal we don't scream and shout at them when they get a bit moody or have a hot flush!

It is terrifying for them, I think, to be this way. They don't know why they are teary and out of sorts either - the last thing they need are stroppy moody parents adding to the confusion!

At the end of the day, you are an adult yet confess to losing your temper with them - why would you expect them to be able to control themselves when you cannot? How do you excuse your own behaviour but not your children's?

Did I say I was stroppy? Did I say I can't control my temper?

If I were stroppy or couldn't control my temper I'd say I had a problem myself. I don't. So please don't assume that I have. Very judgmental comments and not at all helpful.

A random thought: could sh be slightly anaemic? if pre-hormonal and pale. It sounds like she needs a good rest over Christmas (as do all of you!). How has she been today?

Sorry you're having a tough time. Juules' advice seems spot on (as always )

I hadn't given iron deficiency a thought actually - thank you for that. Because her diet has been up in the air over the last few weeks with being ill she's probably not had enough green veg/red meat so I need to address that. The hosp/Drs said to keep her on a bland diet with lots of little meals during the day. She's not back to eating a full sized proper meat and two veg meal yet. I can get some iron into her in other ways - vitamins/tonic so I'll get on with that - very helpful - thank you EffiePerine.

She's been ok today. In fact very good. DD2 has been good too. They were extremely good at opening presents and didn't go downstairs until we said they could! They both said thank you for what they'd got and have played really well - we made a visit to family and they were very well behaved there too. I was even told by my 96yr old grandmother that I should be very proud of them - which I am - but it's always nice to hear it from someone else!

Hooray . If you can get good behaviour over Christmas Day with the over excitement and excessive sugar I think you're doing a pretty damn good job