Autistic child won't play with siblings and is being cruel

[AltMumma]

I really don't no what I'm supposed to do with this whole situation! There's no autistic parents how-to manual to follow!

So I have 3 children, my eldest son is Autistic, my middle child is 6 with some behavioural issues and then there's my youngest daughter who's just turned 1.

My eldest autistic child, will refuse to play with his siblings. On the off chance that he does it is only by his rules and terms and is very harsh and will change such rules as and when he pleases. My eldest has some kind of control over my middle child and has him doing everything and anything he wants and will upset him if he doesn't do it or if he doesn't do it right.
Understandably my middle child is becoming very upset and distressed every day now and no matter what I try to do nothing works?

Should I be accepting of such manipulative behaviour from an autistic child? Is that what is part and parcel of autism?
Or is it something else going on?
I've tried over and over to explain to my middle child that he should not do what his brother demands and he shouldn't feel guilty and play in to it etc. he just doesn't understand.

We've had family meetings trying to get the kids to share their feelings between each other and my eldest seems to be oblivious in others feelings and have zero remorse unless it affects him personally.

My middle child will now no longer sit with friends at breakfast club because it upsets his older brother. I've told him to sit where he wants and not to listen to his brother, but he will not listen to me?

I can't get either of them to stop the behaviour and it's just getting worse!

HELP PLEASE!

Bump

Your older child needs to know that autism or not that people won't play with them if they behave like this. Your middle child needs to know that it's ok to stand up for themselves even to an older sibling. I wouldn't punish the oldest but if you see it getting out of hand then I would separate them and explain to the oldest calmly that that's not how we play with people. I would also ask school to ask that they are encouraged to play separately at school. School is a time for siblings to negotiate their own friendships and enjoy playing. If your oldest is preventing this then that's unacceptable whatever their underlying issues. Your middle child should be praised for being tolerant and kind to their sibling but they will only resent it if it significantly restricts their own childhood. Xx

Stop trying to get the child with autism to play with his siblings, if you want them to be played with then you need to do it yourself. Even an NT older child might not want to play with younger siblings, you can't make children play together they are just going to become resentful.

The elder one is trying to control and isolate his brother and you need to stop this happening as it sounds very abusive. You need to find out if he is blackmailing him, intimidating or threatening him or what is at the root of it. Family meetings certainly won't work as the middle child is obviously afraid and isn't going to speak up in front of his brother and the brother isn't aware of the problem of what he is doing.

The autistic child needs a lot of help with socialising and social behaviour, understanding other people's emotions and feeling etc You need to carefully explain the emotions his brother is feeling and try to link it to a time when he himself felt those feelings - but do it gently to encourage empathy. Don't expect him to get it first time, it will be more like a toddler learning. Your eldest also needs to feel in control of his environment at home so he doesn't feel he needs to control people. He needs to have a lot of space, a lot of being left alone to decompress and let him come to you, stop trying to make him socialise and play with his siblings.

Does the child with autism have his own room? That is a priority really, he needs his own space and to be separated from the middle child.

I agree with PPs. I would cut your eldest some slack regarding refusing to play with his siblings. If he doesn't want to, then it may be too much for him. However, the controlling behaviour is not on, and the breakfast club situation needs sorting out ASAP. Please make school/breakfast club staff aware of the situation and then they can help with the seating arrangements.