Behaviour rewards and sanctions

[carrottopper]

We are struggling and have struggled for a long time. Our girls are 8 and 6. The 8 year old is much easier but the 6 year old is shouty, angry etc. she's had a great day, I have her sweets (a reward about 3pm) and then she started shouting, leaving the table at dinner, telling us off for reminding her of her choices and just generally being angry. She took herself for time out in her room but came down and repeated the same.

We started a rule of 4 the other day. These are 4 rewards they can have in a day (tv , games, sweets and chocolate). When they make a mistake, they choose one to lose. My daughter chose chocolate for tomorrow and then games. Does this sound ok? Should we be choosing? What else can I do? We kept calm and kept reminding her she was making a bad choice etc. it's everyday. She really screams at me

It all seems very negative to me. Choosing something to lose? That's never going to be effective. You're coming at the whole thing from a negative perspective.

I've never done the whole rewards thing. Never. Mine are now 17 and 13 and well-adjusted, responsible kids. Both work hard at school and the eldest has a part time job.

I've generally subscribed to the idea of ignoring tantrums and removing children from the space if they're upsetting others.

Then discussing afterwards. At 6 and 8 they can certainly talk about their feelings and learn effective coping mechanisms to deal with frustrations and negative emotions.

TV and games are just part of life....they're relaxing things to do which most people enjoy. Not a reward. Sweets and chocolate...food in general should never be used as a reward ....it sets up an emotional relationship with food which can lead to secretive eating or self denial.

There's absolutely no need for sweets and chocolate on a daily basis anyway.

They're something to be eaten now and then. A few times a week at most.

I don't know how to make her choose the right thing though? She is challenging us, shouting, answering back, so angry. We aren't shouting back, just keep repeating that she needs to make the right choice. If we take her to a quiet space for time out, she just screams and shouts. I really feel for our neighbours and people walking by must wonder what is happening. How do I help her? She is out of control

Can you give an example of what triggers her screaming and shouting? Is it things like "It's time for bed now"?

It may be that she has a hard time with transitions...some children do...that means they don't like sudden changes. So need warning and preparation.

Yes always transitions. Getting changed, shoes on, meal times, bath bed even though it's the same every night

How has her language development been? How are her social skills in general?

Her language is normal. Socially she is ok. Has a mix of boys and girls she plays with but prefers the more active play. I appreciate there may be additional needs there with her but I'm looking for strategies rather than labels. She is sometimes a little socially rude with comments but I don't think lockdown has helped. She's missed a lot of school and nursery due to lockdown.

The thing about labels is that they also contain instructions. My own DD is on the spectrum and I know how difficult it can be. Especially when they seem "normal"

These early years are hard but without a diagnoses, the teen years can be unbearable.

I'm not saying your DD is on the spectrum...it might just be immaturity ...she is only six after all but diagnoses are very useful because they allow kids more leeway in school.

My DD also has difficulty with transitions....she's not treated any differently at school but her teachers understand her better thanks to the report we got from the educational pyschologist. That means they don't punish her for behaviour she can't help such as being late.

For now, try these strategies with transitions. When she's in a calm, happy mood ask her if she'd like to help you make yourself a calendar of activities....for you...not for her.

Do it on a sheet of cardboard and have stickers to decorate. You can include things like "Wake up, get dressed, clean teeth," and so on.

Separate each activity so it's clear to read. Also include "Play on phone" or "Read book" or whatever your hobbies are. Do separate days. Add times for each activity.

Then ask if she'd like one for her too. Refer to your chart and hers...as each day unfolds.

"Oh look, it's time for my book!...yours says that when you've finished your snack, you should be having a bath"

She can refer to it herself for a reminer of what's coming. A lot of the difficulty is around control. She can also alter the order of things if she asks...make sure this is an open thing that she knows about.

Thank you 💗💗

I agree with @FortunesFave that it sounds quite negative. Hopefully Fortune will comment if this might not suit if she is on the spectrum, but I think I'd try three things:

• Frequent praise for doing things right/making good choices. I don't think it has to be dramatic, a brief 'well done' or 'good choice!' is fine, but she should hear more praise than criticism (preferably a lot more). If things are in a bit of a bad pattern, you might have to praise very small things for a bit!

• Try to link the consequence to the behaviour. Shouting generally has nothing to do with sweets, so it's easy for her to feel losing her sweets is unfair and arbitrary. Sometimes this is easy, if she's playing in a way that could hurt someone/break the toy and doesn't stop when asked, the toy goes away for a bit; other times it takes a bit of thinking. It's harder to argue that it's unfair you took the toy away before someone/something got hurt, though.

• You might already be doing this, but I'd pick a few key things that were really important to me, focus on those, and let as much of the rest slide as possible for now. It's hard to try to change lots of behaviours at once, and she may feel like she can't possibly win, there's always something she's forgotten about to trip her up.