4 year old tantrums and bad behaviour

[Sarah1417]

Please can anyone help me out with this. My son is 4 years old and has been really acting out. He seems to have tantrums for no reason. We have hitting, screaming and foot stomping. He tells us we aren't his friends anymore. This will stem from sometimes nothing at all. When he is at nursery he is doing the same things. Snatching toys and not listening to the care givers. I've tried rewards and being gentle. We have tried taking things away amd asking him to be kind or helpful to earn the things back. We have tried talking to him but it all just seems to go in one ear ans out the other. I will stress this is not all the time. And we do have very good days but when the bad days come it is bad. He doesn't listen to me or his father at all. I'm not sure what else to do. Is this normal for a 4 year old. Should I be seeking extra help? I'm feeling so deflated. I dress picking him up to be told yet another bad day. He starts school in September and I just don't know how that's going to go. If he acts up at school he will just be that bad kid in their eyes. This is really stressing me out.

Have Nursery noticed any triggers for the bad behaviour @Sarah1417?

Hi OP,

I’m also in a similar position with my almost 4 year old boy. I’m also thinking to call the health visitor to see if they have advice. At nursery they say generally he’s okay. They don’t report anything major that I need to be concerned about. I’m really stressed about it. Not just stressed, depressed even. Mainly after we moved house. He’s just run out into the road with an oncoming car outside our door which he’s done before and bites. I tried different strategies but he doesn’t listen. And it’s a safety issue now.I just feel like nothing I’m doing is working and feel like a lousy mum even though my partner says I’m doing great and to think of other solutions. At least you’re not the only one

@BunnyRuddington and @Moonandstar5 thank you so much for replying. I'd complelty forgotten to check if there were any replies.

Nursery is a tough one. My sister is actually his nursery nurse which is both a pro and a con. Of course a pro because I know he is in good hands. I trust her 100% with my children but then a con being he doesn't really listen to her at all. We were doing great ar nursery but things changed again around October. Which sort of falls when she went back. But also Christmas seems to have made him very anxious about being good ans bad. Perhaps it's overwhelmed him.

About a year ago they were going to refer us to SENCO for his behaviour when he didn't settle back in after the break for the pandemic but by Christmas all had sorted itself out and 9 months in he was doing great consistently then it all changed again.

I really do feel for you Moon because I feel down with it. He hit me a few times tonight and I'm losing my voice from telling him off. I rarely shout at him but he hit me really hard this time for no reason. I've sat and had a little cry tonight and I feel so useless. He says he is angry because he hasn't had his own way! What am I meant to do. I can't let him have his own way all the time. He hates being told off and compleltly freaks out. Then cries and tells me he loves me and is sad. I'm at a complete loss here :(

Yes it’s a tricky one and I also feel for you as well. My son loves a rigid routine so if it’s off I know he’s affected. It’s been really tough for them and you’re a human being and doing a good job being a mum. It’s the toughest job in the world Idc what anyone else says. We’re always bound to fail at some point it’s just life. My son hates being told off as well and I’ve been better at trying to shout which I have seen makes a difference. I’m telling him more that I love him whilst looking straight in his eyes and on his level whilst holding his hands to show I’m not trying to punish him but correct his behaviours. With lockdown he’s been so clingy as well so he’s so always trying to get my attention. Trying to have some space from them is the goal even for a few hours.

Another one with a 'spirited' 4 year old DS! I could have written these posts. Feeling so dejected tonight after getting a text from a new mum friend basically saying because her daughter is scared to play with my DS, she doesn't want to meet up. That's really got to me. I already feel like a shit mum. I don't know what to do, tried health visitors but they aren't much help. Tried every strategy going! Worried about him starting school....

@ColourMeExhausted sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s a hard position to be and I feel your pain. It’s not very nice to hear that but I’m sure it’s not personal. Having a son is very different to having a daughter. Seems like you’re doing what you can and you care for him enough to try and find a solution. I’m hoping it’s just a phase they’re going through especially with self isolating and covid and their routines being mixed up. Your son will make lots of friends in the future. Sometimes they get rejected and that’s okay. My son almost ran into the street again. He really didn’t sleep well and that really affects his behaviour. It will get better. Maybe try talking to nursery?

@colourMeExhausted we were so worried about my little boy agree christmas. He seemed to be getting worse and worse. Then the nursery ambushed us and basically asked us to move him.
Well I can tell you now I was fuming but we decided to move him to school and do you know what. Everything has changed. He is so happy and polite it's like having a different child in my home. He has the odd grr moment but not like before. The best thing we ever did was move him. He is indeed spirited and needs constant stimulation and the school has that for him. We are so proud of him. So please don't see school as potentially being bad for him. It may be the best thing that's ever happened like for us. Your friend doesn't sound like a very good friend in my opinion. All kids play differently and she should appreciate where you are and what you are dealing with. Thing will get getting I'm sure xxx

@Sarah1417 that’s brilliant news well not about the nursery ambushing. But I’m happy that he’s settled things have sorted it self out. There’s hope for us all my son is starting reception in September so a bit of a way off from now it feels. I’m going to email nursery today and sort things out. I’ve been procrastinating and overwhelmed. My son also needs lots of stimulation and I’m so tired and I want to give him more sessions at nursery he does 3 half days at the moment but it’s expensive for me now to do more financially it’s been a struggle and nursery fees aren’t cheap!

Anyways I’m happy for you hun and I feel blessed to connect with other mums on here that we can support each other x

Have you considered moving your little one to school nursery? He should be entitled to the same as us 8.30 till 3.30 Monday to Friday? It would certainly give him the stimulation he needs and then give you the rest you need? Xx

Thanks @Sarah1417. I would prefer nursery school for him but we’ve just moved to a new part of London in August and I don’t want to move nurseries again. I don’t think I can anyways as it’s a bit late? I think it’s better to wait until July so at least he has some sense of continuity. I’ve booked for a meeting with his nursery next week so hopefully they’ll have a bit more insight and advice. I think they’re trying their best but I don’t get much feedback from them so I don’t know what’s going on. Whereas his precious nursery was a bit more on top of it.

@Moonandstar5 I can totally relate. My little guy wasn't having the best time there but they just didn't know what to do with him. You want to know what's going on and a meeting is the best thing for it! I don't understand why my nursery ambushed me in the totally unprofessional way theh did and we will be going to see two new nursery's for my youngest this week to get him moved too because now I don't trust them to be able to handle any additional needs. Even if it is just that he is spirited like my oldest. They just didn't know what to do with him! Disgraceful place and I can't wait to get him out of there. I can understand not wanting to move him. Disrupting him may have the compelty opposite effect to mine and make him worse. A clean change from nursery to big school will be great for him _

Hi OP. My son is a year older but also due to start school in the autumn and I have similar worries.

This really jumped out at me About a year ago they were going to refer us to SENCO for his behaviour when he didn't settle back in after the break for the pandemic but by Christmas all had sorted itself out and 9 months in he was doing great consistently then it all changed again because it's been so similar for us. Awful time going back after the first lockdown but things calmed down and he went back after the second lockdown fine. He was ok at the start of this academic year but things have got bad again over the past couple of months.
I've spoken with the HV but she didn't seem concerned. Honestly I expect she has such a big case load and kids that she is much more worried about and she just doesn't have the time or mental capacity to worry about my DS!

Anyway. One book I've found really helpful is The Explosive Child by Ross Green so I would recommend having a read of that (or listen to the audiobook). Beyond that I'm not sure what to say. It's so tough and I have the exact same fears about being 'the bad kid' at school because I know that DS is highly critical of himself and that this kind of negative self-image just exacerbates poor behaviour.

@sarah1417 did you eventually see any changes in his behaviour? My son is 4 in April and I've had to change nurseries because they were allowing him to punch things to get his anger out and it's made things so much worse. I didn't think there was an issue with him other than typical 3 yr old behaviour until he started there 🤦

Hey! Well my son is now 7 and has since been diagnosed with combined adhd and is now been assessed for ASD and PDA.
His behaviour fluctuates. Always around this time of year. But finding the right medication for him recently has been a god send. We trialed quite a few but the one we have ended up on has been the best suited for him.
I think it's just a long road and I've changed with him and learnt a lot about him and adhd as a whole. He still struggles in school but he is very intelligent and becomes easily bored so he loses focus on repetitive behaviour.
He is still in mainstream school with an EHCP but he may need a resource base in the future.
I also saw it all starting when he was 3 but I've heard that's when the adhd symptoms tend to come out as they form their own personalities.
Not saying your babbee has it but just letting you know what happened here xx