My son is 10 and we had a referral for CAHMS a couple of weeks ago for an ASD assessment, which I've been putting off as I've been afraid that he's not 'really' on the spectrum. He's bright, finds social situations awkward and doesn't really make friends, has some sensory issues and historic repetitive behaviour, but I know how overstretched the system is and have put it on the back burner, not wanting to waste anyone's time. Today has been awful- normal Christmas eve routine has changed resulting in meltdowns, threats of self-harm and self-loathing, running off and hiding from us. I don't think I need advice, I just need to vent as I'm sitting in the bathroom crying that my son has said on Christmas eve he hates himself and wants to die and I do not know where to turn; DH will help but he looks to me to take a lead- I know I need to get my big girl pants on and do it. I know now I do need to fill in the assessment form but sometimes it just feels like you carry all of it, you know.