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Behaviour/development

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How to manage my child’s rages

10 replies

FreeBritnee · 22/12/2021 22:48

I wonder if anyone who has a young child who rages has any advice on what else we could do.

He is now nearly six and it’s been going on for three years. He gets into rages. They’re not just temper tantrums and they can last for sometimes over an hour. Usually at night so I know tiredness is a trigger, usually started by not being able to get his own way about something.

During the rage he will hit, spit, pull hair, destroy items, throw things, scream, scratch, pinch. He’ll follow us around the house, hurt his older brother so he is crying too, it’s an extremely difficult situation to manage. In terms of behaviour elsewhere he is perfect. Completely passive at school. Will follow all the rules, is the top of his class, his teacher adores him. He puts a lot of pressure on himself when he tries to do any work, be it creative or simple educational stuff that’s supposed to be fun. Will also tantrum if he thinks what he has done is not good enough.

I have had some classes in how to manage his rage but I’m thinking I might need a refresh as tonight was probably the worst his been. I remember last time a lot of it was avoiding triggers and I think last night we allowed screen time quite late which has ended up being a huge trigger.

If anyone can relate I’d love to know what you’ve tried. What has worked? Or even some encouragement that this is a phase and he won’t still be doing this in five years time. I’m honestly scared he’s going to throw something heavy at my face and knock my teeth out. That’s how bad it got tonight.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
FreeBritnee · 23/12/2021 10:13

Hopeful bump 💐

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Rainallnight · 23/12/2021 10:43

Hello, I’m so sorry about this. My five and a half year old does similar and it’s very very hard.

We are actually having a therapeutic assessment of her done at the moment and they suggest attachment difficulties and anxiety. She is adopted.

Can the school help you with any therapeutic support?

FreeBritnee · 23/12/2021 10:57

Thank you for the reply. The school aren’t interested at all as he is perfectly behaved in their care. What’s a therapeutic assessment? Is this something you can access privately?

He has had absolutely zero happen in his life so far to have caused it. We are very stable emotionally and in terms of house/friends/school. He has a sibling who adores him. He wants for nothing. I’m a SAHM so I’m always there.

He was a baby who struggled to settle and struggled to sleep. But doesn’t show any ADHD tendencies. Has the ability to control himself somewhat as he wax about to launch something very hard at my face last night and stopped himself. He can also follow rules as it’s a ‘no screens’ day today as a consequence and he is dutifully following that rule.

When he doesn’t get his way though is when it all kicks off. He’ll just throw whatever’s in his band immediately. Yes smashed the television screen during one of these episodes. Lack of impulse control maybe?

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FreeBritnee · 23/12/2021 10:57
  • hand
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Vandelay · 23/12/2021 16:51

Perhaps next time he's in a reasonable mood, you could role play one of the situations that triggers the rage, and you could model an appropriate reaction. I don't know if he'll take it on board right away, but maybe if you do this many times, eventually he might use that reaction instead?

FreeBritnee · 23/12/2021 18:47

@Vandelay

Perhaps next time he's in a reasonable mood, you could role play one of the situations that triggers the rage, and you could model an appropriate reaction. I don't know if he'll take it on board right away, but maybe if you do this many times, eventually he might use that reaction instead?
That’s worth investigating. Never done that. Is there a name for that technique?
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Vandelay · 23/12/2021 21:21

"desperately clutching at straws"? Haha. I guess it's part of modelling behaviour & describing feelings. DS doesn't pick up these things naturally so we have to teach him explicitly what he might be feeling and how he might respond. He doesn't always respond appropriately, as impulses still get in the way, but at least he is beginning to know in theory what's appropriate - maybe someday in the future he'll apply this knowledge...

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 25/12/2021 21:32

That does sound really tough Flowers For strategies to manage this kind of extreme behaviour without any specific diagnosis or condition, Ross Greene's Explosive Child book and Lives in the Balance website are very good. They're based on problem-solving and identifying triggers and the skills that children have not yet developed, rather than reward/punish, so it sounds as if they would fit what you did at the parenting group.

One other thing - how does your son get on with other kids? The things you are saying about passivity and rule following, extreme perfectionism, massive temper tantrums when things aren't the way he expects or following disruption to his daily routine like extra screen time, anger with his brother - they are making me wonder a bit about autism. If he has trouble making or keeping friends that would be another possible sign.

FreeBritnee · 25/12/2021 22:01

Hiya. Thank you so much for your contribution. I will definitely buy that book as I’ve seen it mentioned a lot on MN and I’ve never read it.

In terms of friends he is very sociable. Loves other kids and has close friends. So I don’t think he’d fit an ASD diagnosis but I am no expert.

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PanicBuyingSprouts · 25/12/2021 23:44

In terms of friends he is very sociable. Loves other kids and has close friends. So I don’t think he’d fit an ASD diagnosis but I am no expert

Don't let the fact that he can be outgoing put you off getting a diagnosis. Some people with ASD can be friendly and outgoing.

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