Jealousy of sibling

[mummag]

Hi

My friend has this problem with her daughter and her baby son. She is at her wits end as she feels she cannot leave her older child with the baby. Any good advice how to stop d1 seemingly hating the baby. She bites scratches and takes every opportunity to get to the baby. Says mummy doesnt love her anymore as well! so help!!!!!

Can you (as a friend) take the baby out so mummy and ds can have a little quality time together. My friend did this for me once or twice and it broke the pattern. big ones need to feel most special sometimes too. How old is older sibling?

Depends how old the older child is. If she is only a toddler herself then I think it's very unwise to leave a toddler with a baby anyway.
I would just try to be fair and inclusive of the toddler but protective of the baby until the situation settles and they both get a bit older.

I have three young children myself so quite tricky re taking the baby.... but might offer. The older child is four!!

What worked best for my dd and baby was to adopt a 'poor baby' attitude.
'Poor baby can't feed himself so we have to do it for him. Poor baby can't get his own toys so we have to had them to him when he wants them.'
Pity makes them feel more protective and less antagonistic.

Finding an hour to do something on your own with the older child at the weekends as a 'grown up' treat works really well. Dd and i used to go for a 'grown-up-cup-of-coffee' when we used to get the bus to nearest town and have a coffee/glass of milk and then come home.

I agree with mcgraw.

When DD was 4, I had DS, I would say things to her to try and keep them ok with each other, it worked, they are really close now (DD7DS3)

Every time you get 5 minutes, give the elder child a cuddle, if baby cries, involve elder child (EC) in the whole 'Oh, here we go again, babies crying, spose I better go and sort it out, what d'ay reckon, feeing again or a horrible yucky nappy' (pull faces and stuff)
Then tickle the tummy of EC and give a kiss or soemthing, do not just get up, leave EC and go off to baby.

Make sure you talk lots about 'when you were a baby' to EC, a child of four is old enough to communicate pretty well tbh, so it should be easier than with a toddler.

Try not to change anything with EC's routine, don't start a new out-of-home activity, they'll likely feel pushed out, maybe make bedtime a bitlater so they havesome one-on-one time, and get as much help from them as possible, 'can you get me the nappy', sing to baby for me whilst I have a wee', etc etc

Most of all just remember EC was the only child and now some little screamy boring thing has come and taken his/her parents!!

I also made older child feel very important and grown up helping mummy with the baby. He helped with fetching nappies and holding baby to go to sleep. Still have a lovely picture of DS1 holding sleeping DS2 on his lap and making a shhh face at me so i didn't wake him ! Ds 1 was just 4 and DS2 was about three months. ...sweet.
It is as VS said about making sure that elder child does not feel upsured and you do that by engaging with them as a 'great big help' and a big sister/brother.