Failing my 3YO cos I’m not social enough?

[Zenlifeforme]

Is it normal for 3 year old not wanting to share toys when another child comes round?
We had a horrendous play date yesterday with a mum friend and her 3YO as DD did not want her to play with any of her toys. They have maybe met out of house (or at her house) 4-5 times.

The mum said her DD went through the same but as she kept pushing play dates at her own house her DD is now ok with it. She said her DD has two little friends who she sees regularly so this made her learn to be ok with other kids playing with her toys.

Is this true do people think? Partly covid and partly not finding mum friends to do this with I certainly haven’t had other kids her age over. She has 3 (slightly older) boy cousins and they used to come round a lot but this year they’ve just got so boisterous it was getting exhausting for me. She was 2 when they came round a lot and seemed fine with it then, but now when they do come ad-hoc she gets really possessive over her stuff. She does relent a bit with them, but it’s still embarrassing as she has shouted at them a couple of times last time saying ‘no no no, that’s mine’. And only stopped as I’ve picked her up and taken her away.

I feel like I’ve failed her as she’s not had loads of socialisation and hasn’t learnt this key skill.

Will she learn to share or is she going to be a loner now as a result? I know early socialisation is so key in shaping personality, I feel like I’ve shaped her to be a loner…… 😬

I knew a group of mums that I Met at a baby group.

Out of the 8 babies, 2 were really bad at sharing for a long, long time.

One was an only child and his mum and dad didn't have him in day care and rarely mixed with other children. When he mixed with us he struggled to share or play with the other children.

The other one was the youngest of 3 children. He mum was constantly around friends and relatives with children. This child couldn't have been more exposed to children and social learning opportunities, plus she was at a child minders from an early age.

The group of babies are 5 now and all in school. We don't meet up so much any more because of covid, but last time we met, on the whole, they were as good and as bad as each other.

The best thing I learned to do which (usually) works a treat is have a chat before a play date and talk about why it's important to share toys. I say "Theo is coming to visit today. He doesn't have any toys at our house because they are all at his house, so he might feel a bit sad if he can't play with your toys while he is here. But they are your toys so you don't have to share them with anybody, it's completely up to you".

I have never know it not to work to be honest xxx

Are her toys easy to share? For example if the girls play babies, do you have more than one so each girl can play? It's worth hiding her most treasured toys.

At 3, most kids play side by side rather than together (parallel play) so not being antisocial and grabbing etc is considered good behaviour.

Does your dd allow you to touch her toys ? If she complains about you touching her toys how do you deal with that? Does she go to nursery/pre-school? Can you role play demonstrate how to deal with situations like wanting to play with something that someone else has got ?

Not sharing at three is completely normal, children don't have brain development until around 4 or 5 to actually want to and understand the point of sharing - by which I mean let's play with this toy or whatever together because it's fun. Before that it's more s case of whether they will let another child have the thing and that is more down to personality than anything else.

I very much doubt you have failed your child and personally find this whole emphasis on sharing at a young age very frustrating because they really aren't genuinely capable of real sharing.

And completely agree on hiding the most treasured toys for playdates, just not worth upset in my opinion.

As an adult I don't want to share all my belongings with my friends. I don't think it's at all unreasonable for a three year old not to want to share all their toys. Mine doesn't want friends to share all his things, he's much older but I just tell him to put away anything he doesn't want others to play with (he's often worried about things getting broken). Maybe you could get out some toys she's happy to share (if there are some) and have them out for her to play with with friends.

I wouldn't worry at all, just keep encouraging her to share or to take turns (as somethings can't be shared). Perhaps play some games with her that involve taking turns to encourage her. Also share things with her yourself and tell her what's happening. ie 'I'm having an apple would you like to share it with me?' It's very common at this age and going to preschool/nursery/school will really help too.