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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

16 months old and cheerfully disobedient

11 replies

Nonicknamesleft · 17/12/2007 12:08

Am I being unrealistic in my expectations of my 16 month old girl, or is she genuinely disobedient? If I say 'stop' or 'no' to her, in 9 cases (at least) out of 10 she just mimics the 'no' and either carries on regardless or just resumes the activity seconds later. I try physically moving her from the situation but that isn't always practical.

I'm pretty sure she understands at least to a degree, as she actually approaches and carries out certain (supposedly) forbidden activities saying the word 'no', before I've even had a chance to say anything - so she knows she's doing something wrong it seems.

Or am I being ridiculous and she doesn't understand at all? If so, when do kids start understanding this sort of thing? Grateful for a few words of experience.

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mummymagic · 17/12/2007 12:14

Oh yes, she probably is beginning to know what she is not supposed to do (my dd comes and shows us the writing on the wall and says 'nooooo' ). But she is learning and you have to expect her to make mistakes!

Make sure you tell her what you WANT her to do or give her an alternative as well as/instead of saying stop/no.
eg 'Draw on the paper' rather than 'don't draw on the wall'

And have a simple consequence if they continue (that you can carry out) eg 'if you draw on the wall again I will take the pen away' - and do it. Then suggest an alternative activity - why don't you go and play with your puzzles? etc

They are still very little to have control over what they do and need as much help as possible to be 'good'.

floaty · 17/12/2007 12:15

I have to say that I think the reason she says no is because she recognises that that is what you say when she does something not that she understands what no means.Unfortuneltely constant vigilance is the name of the game at this age distraction is good!

pickledonions · 17/12/2007 12:23

mummym, I like the ref to them needing as much help as poss to be good, made me smile, thanks

DaddyJoseph · 17/12/2007 14:18

Yes, another one here!!

I think our dd (18 months now) understands 'No' and she sort of complies
but if push comes to shove she prefers to cheerfully ignore it.

Literally cheerfully: when trying to grab my iPod she stretches her hand out,
turns around and gives me a big grin and while smiling at me tries to
very slowly get a grip on the iPod.
It's actually quite hilarious!

There are two strategies that we us:
either say 'No' firmly and repeatedly
or we get up and hold the iPod/Daddy's mobile while she has a good play.

She does understand that there is something special
about certain objects but she does not grasp why
so I don't think 'No' means much more than 'Hey!' to her.

Weegle · 17/12/2007 14:27

they are just learning but I also try to teach consequences - I know they're only little but if DS empties the tuppaware lids on the floor I make him put them back, if he tips the cat water on the floor I give him a cloth and make him clear it up etc etc. I don't make a big deal of it just say "no" and show him what the consequence is. Obviously I don't expect him to "get" it just yet but makes me feel more constructive than just barking no and getting a big grin in return.

HonoriaGlossop · 17/12/2007 14:29

totally agree with mummymagic. she is probably learning to understand it but she is too little to retain this really or to remember which activity is a no and which isn't.

Agree that 'No' is one small part of the jigsaw, the others being distract, distract and distract!

That's your biggest weapon at this age and for quite a while to come! As mummym says, tell her what IS ok, not just what is a no. And tell her what will happen if she keeps on, and follow it through.

Pick battles; make sure it's really worth a no. Oh, and I find saying YES worked just as well where a no would have been what you meant; as in "YES, dd, let's do drawing, that's a great idea, lets draw on the paper!"

Don't put too much onus on her being obedient, either; toddler proof the house like mad and put locks on doors if necessary. Makes life easier and more fun for everyone.

Original poster

Nonicknamesleft · 17/12/2007 17:22

All sound stuff, thank you. I don't want to sound like some mad disciplinarian, as I'm definitely not (with an, erm, free-spirited child like ours, some chance...). There are just some things I don't want her to do, namely mess around with and remove stuff from the kitchen bin (which is never as clean as it should be, of course), play around with electrical sockets (even with a cover on them), or use my glasses as a toy.

None of these things really have good-behaviour corollaries and she isn't quite at the (no-doubt inevitable) stage of drawing on the walls of our rented house, yet - although biting off and swallowing the tip of a marker pen has been accomplished all on her own....

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mummymagic · 18/12/2007 09:17

Ok well for those specific examples:

sockets - mine is LEAVE IT! (with a gesture of hands up) and when she was still learning a quick alternative - can you clap? can you put your hands in the air? with an example.

bin - teach her what the bin is for. I use same 'leave it' but she has ut stuff in the bin for so long that I can't remember when she last tried to take something out.

glasses - I let her play with some things but teach her that things are Mummies and Daddies and she needs to Be Careful (and model it).

But really, I think we need to accept that toddlers are toddlers and will investigate interesting things, I'd much rather let her know to approach things carefully than never (cos that ain't gonna happen )

My dd is 20mths now, has had pretty good understanding for ages - and is pretty compliant, she puts things back etc (and clears up etc Weegle suggests) but it definitely takes time for them to learn and I think you have to accept that they WILL 'misbehave' when you are not there. The world is simply too exciting! (plus we've got those terrible twos coming up... )

So accepting yes, she will probably draw on the walls again but I will still remind her to draw on the paper, and tbh when we come to put our flat on the market we will not let her have free reign on pencils anymore!

mummymagic · 18/12/2007 09:27

Typical. I post saying how wonderful and compliant my dd is and how I am such a clear and postive disciplinarian and we have now just had a mini-argument over her playing with the laptop cord

me - no, sweetheart, you cant play with that it's not to play with. Leave it darling.

dd - play play play!

me - er... no

dd - PLAY

me thinking oh, forget it, i'll just ignore it and type something on mumsnet instead

dd - got bored and wandered off...

Who said it was an exact science this parenting lark?

mummymagic · 18/12/2007 09:29

lots of my punctuation (commas in particular) seems to have disappeared btw. Sorry.

Original poster

Nonicknamesleft · 20/12/2007 20:13

Thanks mummymagic - I'll definitely test some of your ideas out. She hasn't yet drawn on the wallls yet btw... I was just anticipating the inevitable!

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