Neophobic ds. Anyone dealt with this? Should I accept it or try to change him?

[Lio]

Example 1: if served new food, will not try.
Example 2: went to a Christmas party today at dh's work. Wouldn't even go into the room where the party was being held. New venue, new people.

It is frustrating and limiting and I can see two ways of dealing with it:
Accept it: and limit what we can do as a family and potentially make him even less able to mix with other children and try new things.
Try and change it: and risk him digging his heels in, make him feel bullied and aware of being different.

Have tried to make my post sound level, but I am really struggling with this. Is he genuinely suffering or is it a great way of getting lots and lots of attention?

how old is he?

Ah yes, should have said: he's 4.2

More details: always been a bit behind on developmental things, but not to a worrying degree. He is happier playing with children younger than him and does better with one other child than in a group.

Preschoolers have a tendancy to be neophobic.

Ds (3.2) does get freaked out by the unknown or unusual.

I would say it depends on how far it goes or how upset he gets as to whether it is something taht he will grow out of or whether you need to develop a coping strategy/someway of getting him to come out o fit.

Well, it's getting better in that he doesn't get upset: at its worst, he would scream and cry, but now he just doesn't go in/eat/join in. So maybe I need to take heart that at least this is progress?

I wouldn't worry about it tbh. I think all 4 year olds are like that (or at least all the ones I know are). In fact I would ACTIVELY not worry, so it doesn't 'become' a problem iyswim - don't label it as a problem, accept it, encourage him to try new things, and one day you'll suddenly notice that he's loads better than he was and you've stopped having to help him. Labelling a problem as a problem is the easiest way to perpetuate it!

the fact that he has made progress shows that it prob is just a phase.

I agree with what tortoiseshell said - don't treat it like it is a prob.

Ds refuses to join in with anything at pre-school that isn't normal (his words)

When they said at the nativity - 'we're running a bit late cos some of the kids won't wear their costumes' - I knew it was mine

He came out without a costume and didn't even last 2 seconds.

He was the same at the harvest thing they did. He was quite upset after as well.

We're counting on him getting better as he gets older.

Aah, thanks for this. Deep breaths are the way forward

Can't really blame him about your DH's party though. I felt exactly the same at my DH's christmas party- new venue, new people..and I'm 34.

He'll grow out of it if you don't make a big thing of it. Just carry on as normal (just with someone attached to your leg! -My DS was the same at about the same age but stopped after I pretended I didn't know he was doing it)

I'm a neophobe and I'm 26!

I hate changes to routine etc. I'm still not sure now that i like going on holiday as it all feels a bit strange and new.

Thank you and sorry for the delayed response - I don't look at the 'puter every day. You know, if I look deep into my heart, I might admit to being a leeetle bit neophobic too...

Is this amazingly common?

IME most of them grow out of it.

Lio, my ds is like this too and it's become more noticeable now he is at nursery school (he is 3.10) But interestingly he prefers he company of older children on the whole (I think it's because they make allowances for him iyswim).

So different to his older sister.

I don't know if it's common or not, but I really haven't met other parents who experience this so hip hip etc for MN

DS1 (3.8) only wore the same 3 striped jumpers for 9 months (with a few different trousers!) and would not consider alternative garments. Is now a little more flexible and now has a range of 6 tops (all stripy) including a T-SHIRT!!!

Three children would not wear costumes at the pre-school nativity - he was one. Will not wear his winter coat unless it snows (says it's not really winter until then!) Extremely rigid about foods, routines etc. Used to drive me absolutely mad but life has become a lot easier now that I just go with it, wherever possible.

He's totally gorgeous, very clever and sweet too.

He sounds lovely, tt, and anyway, I thought the whole point of having a child was to able to dress them in stripes

accept it. let him adjust in his own time as forcing the issue will make him worse.

Lio I can sympathise as we had a similar thing with DS2 at that age. He hated meeting new people and going to new houses, would sit under the table if it was a meal, not say a word to anyone. I did what tourtoise recommended to you, ignored it, didn't force him to talk or jopin in, and as he got older he got better.

In nursery and reception he wouldn't join in any 'group' activities, wouldn't sing or take part in plays, but slowly he gained confidence and got over some of this shyness. I'd always give him plenty of warning over where we where goin and who would be there etc. which seemed to help.

He's 6 now, still quiet, but will greet people and answer their questions, and doesn't mind going to new places! You'd never know he used to be so different!

He still hates it if I change the bedding on his bed though and likes to know what is going on in advance, his first question every day is "what's the plan then?"

Thanks nmc and calcifer, it's great to have advice and reassurance.