Dilemma over neighbour's child with, I think, ADHD

[toadstool]

We've just relocated and the child opposite, in the same situation, is the same age as DD but not in the same school (both Y1). We've had 2 difficult experiences with playdates, and decided to avoid him. DD1 can be very boisterous, and I have been embarrassed about her behaviour in the past, but he is worse - much worse. Also his parents seem unable to control him. With DD1 I have no problem wrestling her to the ground if she goes OTT, for example. Yesterday we agreed to a last-minute playdate at theirs and I asked DH to go in to keep an eye on things (I can't - new baby, very lame leg), but he didn't. DD1 came home with a black eye ('she fell on the landing') and had, they said, been so scared of the boy's aggression at one point that she climbed onto his dad's back. They seemed embarrassed, but not enough to call us over when she got hurt. They had (she said) ended up locking him into the garage until he calmed down. DH did say he's heard shrieking coming from the garage at one point. I don't want a repeat of that experience, and part of me wants to ask straight out if they are doing anything about their son's disturbed behaviour - it seems to me they are aware that there's a problem. Any advice at all? I don't want to do the 'freezing out' thing, it seems lame and unhelpful to them

Sorry i don't have any advice but i do feel very & the thought of a child being locked in a garage, this is no way to dicipline a child especially one who may have special needs.

Hi Toadstool, my advice, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, would be to butt out (certinally until you know the full situation)!!

I have a 9 year old with Aspergers, which leads to behavioural problems. When he goes, believe me he goes. I have locked him in the garden before, when he is mid-meltdown and threatening the safety of my other 2 (we don't have a garage!!).

If someone asked me what I was doing about his disturbed behaviour I would be fuming. In fact I would probably develop disturbed behaviour myself!!

It does sound like you need to re-think the playdate arrangement as its obviously not working for either child.

It doesn't however sound like you have sufficent information to judge this woman, her parenting skills and her DS as you obviously are.

I agree with Sarah. If they're aware and you don't know how to deal with ADHD then you can't really offer any advice. You could offer the mother a cup of tea and a chance to chat away from kids maybe.

Thanks, that's helpful. I'm aware that it's easy to judge others without knowledge - as I said, my DD can be appalling on occasion. In fact this evening, the 2 got together at a neighbour's party and I ended up taking my DD home because she was out of control - as much as him, but he wasn't taken home as she pointed out. No doubt the combined parents at that house thought I was a dreadful parent. OK, I'll butt out and mind my own business, but I'm afraid I'll also stop all playdates with this child as they're obviously a toxic mix.

i think the main problem was your DH not doing as you asked and keeping an eye, even though he heard 'shreiking' from the garage!

I think rather than stopping playdates altogether you could try being more involved first, to try to police the situation more. However with you not well and having the new baby I do understand this might not be realistic in which case I guess you just have to stop the playdates, if your DH won't step in.

Hi. I agree with yurt and sarah, i would certainly invite the mother over for a kiddy free cupa. Maybe give the playdates a break for a couple of months and then try again. But keep them very structered, and try to plan ahead so that her little boy knows in advance about the playdate. If he does have ADHD or any other special needs this may help.

Thanks again! It would be shame to lose out on a neighbourly friendship, and I'll make sure I get the mum over on her free day. I've simmered down a bit now. Yes, I agree about DH - he should have intervened when he heard noises. But it's done now, so I'll concentrate on remedying things.