Worried mum

[MoonMum86]

Hi to all, this is my first time posting but I will say mumsnet has been a huge help and comfort to me over the years. This evening I set up an account to reach out because I just feel like I have nowhere else to turn for advice. Without dragging a story out I have two boys, one aged 14 the other 8 and basically I don't think either of them have good lives. I don't know if it's something I did or didn't do, if it's because of some of the really crappy circumstances we've found our family in over the years (we lived with our parents until last year and then unfortunately lost 3 of them in the space of a year and half) or if it's normal and I'm over thinking things. My eldest has no friends, never has really. He does well in school but literally has no life outside school. I've tried to get him into all kinds of activities over the years and he just quits after a few weeks despite my pleading. My youngest is very social and seems to get on well with lots of kids but he has no interest in anything. He likes nature, likes going for walks, watches YouTube and plays Minecraft the odd time but he literally does not like anything to the point where myself and his dad have absolutely no idea what to get him for Christmas and when we asked him he said I don't want anything christmas is lame, he refuses to try anything new, he wont eat anything healthy, refuses to put any effort into reading and writing, won't learn to ride his bike, won't practice tying his shoelaces and just a lot of things I feel 8 years Olds should be able to do and I worry for him so much. I worry for them both. They're are two very good boys. Kind, helpful and everybody we know loves them. I sure I've left out a million things that are also on my mind. I feel like a failure, I feel lost and I don't know where to start with them. The last 8-9 years have been very difficult but this year I feel we're in a good place. We have a lovely home and thankfully it's just us 4 and we're healthy and we have enough to let us live a comfortable life but I'm also aware that those difficult years have left scars on us all especially the boys and I'm that overwhelmed I just don't know where to start fixing things for them. Everything I try just ends up in a screaming match, a meltdown and it goes back to how it was before and it's me who gives in, me thats to blame.

Well what a time of it you have all had. I know you haven't gone into detail about the last 8 years, but just the loss of 3 very important family members in the recent months is so massive.

I wonder, I lost my mum a long time ago and then my dad in 2019. It really had a profound effect on me as a now parent. Like my grief of my parents got channeled into my reflection on how well I'm doing as a parent. I kept swinging back to the past thinking about my idyllic childhood and then compared it to the mistakes I have made and how I can never match how good my parents were and how easy it looked back then etc.

Have you had any support for your bereavements?

To be honest, it sounds like your 8 year old is typical to me. It really does. He will be copying the "lame" talk from his peers. If I were you I would cash in on what you know he likes. If he likes walking, maybe a trip out to wherever your local hills are or a holiday to the Lake District or something u can do as a family? Put no expectation on your 14 year old to join the walking, but stress that him coming on the trip with you would be appreciated enough.

Again, you sound similar to me with the wanting to fix things for them. You can't. It's their lives. You can't choose their normal. That's for their autonomous selves to choose. If your 14 year old craves friendships, he will find a way to get them. Maybe online. But my brother does not require social friendships and so he doesn't have any. He has work acquaintances. And that's it. Me and my dad used to feel sorry for him until we realised that he does what makes him happy. Nothing more and nothing less.

The unhealthy eating, this might have an impact on his mood etc, but how unhealthy is it? Like compare to when we were young and the only fruit we had access to were Bananas apples pears and oranges. Ha! We were a generation of turkey twizzlers weren't we?! I grew up on skipping breakfast, a plate of chips for lunch, crisps and chocolate from the shop on the way home and then a battle at tea time to eat as little as I possibly could in order to pass for dessert.

I think u are doing a great job by the sounds of it all. I think u need to take stock and give yourselves some credit. All 4 of u.
And then enjoy your time as a family. Everyone fully accepted for who they are. Stop looking back at the past and think about the what ifs and start living in the present and looking to the future and savouring every moment, because you better than most, know how short life can be xxx

Thank you so much for your kind reply. I definitely recognize that feeling of wanting my children to have what I had growing up. I had a wonderful childhood, my parents were fantastic and maybe you're right. Maybe the feeling of not doing enough has been magnified because my parents are no longer with us, I've gone from having them and they're input into raising my children to it just being me.

My husband works long hours. He's fantastic too when he's here but he isn't always home. I haven't gotten any help with bereavement, I probably should.

I spoke briefly with my older sister about how down I felt and she feels its because I inherited my childhood home and have started renovations that the picking apart of the house is getting to me in ways I don't even realise.

I do have a tendency to want to control things and clearly that's what I'm doing with my children. I love them both very much and have no desire to change them but I do feel like they can do more with themselves and their lives. I just worry that my grief sometimes makes me take my eye off the ball with them. I will admit there has been days where after school instead of taken them out for walks or engaging with them I've just sat in the kitchen and let them play their consoles and hours pass before I even realise what I've done. This is when the huge guilt kicks in and I panic so when my eldest doesn't want to go out and make friends and my youngest just refuses to step outside his routines and his likes I convince myself it's because I didnt nurture enough or because I didnt make more of an effort that week.

I really appreciate your kind and understanding reply it's good to hear that we're aren't complete oddballs 🙈