4yo dd is really sad.

[cherryredretrochick]

Ok my 4yo dd still has really baad tantrums, this does not actually bother me most of the time and they are calming down a little. What bothers me is when we see her friends she is really happy and excited (in fact absolutly hyper) as a 4yo should be. When we are at home with just 20mth old ds and me she just looks sad all the time. Even when we are out she walks around with the fingers of one hand in her mouth and her teddy in the other. She tells me she is not sad but I don't think she really knows what it means. I end up shouting at her just to try and snap her out of it which is not fair or nice (not often before you tell me off). I think she is fine at nursery, she just seems to hate our company.

I can imagine that it is very worrying for you to see her like this but I think you must avoid making an issue out of it.

Maybe she is just the serious type? Possibly a little bored or shy if she uses her comforter a lot at this age.

Does she never smile or laugh when she is with you? What about when you do silly play/dancing?

My ds1 has never ever liked being at home either. He just loves friends and being with them and always has. It is upsetting, isn't it?

He is getting better at 7, now that school is more tiring and ds2 is more interesting, and seems to relax a bit more at home. But at heart he is just a sociable being, and I think will always want to go out to have fun. Maybe your dd is just like that.

We do lots of fun things at home she is happy some of the time, it is just that she seems unhappy more than happy these days. I think the same about being sociable she just loves being with her friends, always seems exhausted as well. Will choose to sit and 'ribbon' teddy rather than play with me or ds.

Hi Cherry
My ds1 is 5 and is always angry when he is with us at home. Everyone says he is a joy to have around at school , other people's houses etc.
It used to upset me, but I think now it is just his way of letting off steam and I'm thankful that he does it at home and nowhere else.
It may be that your dd sees home as the place to have her downtime and I'm sure she is not really sad.

I have a 4 yr old dd and 1 19 month old son, so very similar to you. My ds is at an age that commands a lot of attention. He is also very affectionate, outgoing etc whereas my dd was always a little more subdued and sensitive.
She started reception in Septmeber and has periods of being very insecure and nervy. I don't think it is the school, I think it's more me and ds being at home together and me not having the time to give jer as much one on one attention as I used to.
We went to the park yesterday and she was really crying because she was cold-but going really ott and I ended up getting cross with her and then fely really bad. I think 4 is a notoriuosly difficult age- they are going through so much transition devolopementally

Manchita, I often end up[ shouting at dd1 and then feel really guilty. She is not (nor ever has been) affectionate and hates to be cuddles or kissed, dd2 is the exact opposite. I think dd1 goes to nursery every afternoon and perhaps thinks I spend much more time with dd2. Have explained to her that we rarely do anything 'fun' in her absence. I also think she doesn't really know how to show her love and may be jealous that dd2 likes a good hug.

Exactly like my ds1! I had to teach him the "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family" song, in order to get a hug and get him to tell me he loved me, whereas ds2 does it spontaneously and always has. That song was a lifesaver for me!

Add natural sibling rivalry onto that reticence and it a tricky passage. Lots of sympathy.

she does say i love u constantly, we do a lot in this house.

She might just use home as down time - especially if she's busy busy busy with her friends.

Sometimes I sits and thinks and sometimes I just sits, yk?

cherryred, she sounds exactly like my dd. She has never liked cuddles and kisses although is quite expressive with i love you etc. I have always respected the fact she just isn't physically affectionate and tried to give her space to be herself

my 8 yearold ds is the same, its got to the point were im scared to tell him off or say the wrong thing to him incase it sends him into a sulk i dont have any answers but i have sympathy for u, and i know what u mean about shouteing at her, i also find myself shouting at my ds to, i think tis frustration, i find myself resenting him sometimes

it's downtime that's all

we can't be 'on' all the time, we can't be engaging and amusing and distracting

so when we are around people we are entirely comfortable with (family) and when we are in a place we know is safe (home) we can afford to just 'be'

leave her alone, it's good for her

It is hard to stay positive and patient when their reactions are so ott

Is it things like walking round with her fingers in her mouth and just 'looking' sad that worry you or is she crying or clearly saying she is sad? Does she 'whine' all the time?

If she's not actually crying or telling you she's sad, or constantly whining, I really wouldn't worry. It does sound like the things she is doing are more about as magrat says, having downtime and being content with her own company.

It must be highly weird for her to be shouted at to snap out of being sad! I know this is not often, as you say, but I really think you need to not allow yourself to do that again because it cannot possibly help in any way - but you know this already!

i think so long as you are offering her some time with you to have fun and play, and so long as you are smiley and warm with her, you are doing all you can! Lower your expectations of her for a while and see if that helps?

After posting this thread I have been watching her very closely to see whether it is as you say down time, I think you might be right, we do so much that I think a lot of the time she is knackered at home. She has just thrown me a curve ball though, she (completly unpromted) has just told me that she would like to give all her sad, grumpy and angry feelings to somebody else as she only wants the happy ones. I don't know if this is normal getting used to your own emotions or something deeper, I shall have to do a lot more investigating.

good idea, we actually have some on my bedside table.