new baby causing great distress to my 15 month old

[somersetlass]

i gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 9 days ago. also have a 15 month old ds and have been very reassured throughout pregnancy by people telling me he's too young to feel jealous. however, whilst he seems quite oblivious to her presence most of the time and at other times just wants to kiss her, he has turned from a contented little boy(mostly) into an insecure wreck. he doesnt know if he wants to be held or left alone. he's waking at all hours despite having been a good sleeper for some time.he spends much of the time not just crying, but screaming in utter distress and my husband and i feel like crying seeing our little boy so unhappy. hes been particularly bad for the past for days. unfortunately this isnt helped by suddenly having to switch his room with his sisters- not something we wanted to do but realised quickly once she was born had to for practical reasons- believe me, we wouldnt have done this unless entirely necessary! luckily my huband has a month off work for christmas and paternity so we're giving ds oodles of attention but hes not responding.
guess i want to just hear that this is normal and will pass, any pearls of wisdom as to how to help ds, or just to know someone else has experienced similar so we dont feel so alone with it. want my gorgeous smiley little boy back and want to be able to enjoy my new baby too. please help?!

15 months between mine too, and it was hard for the first few weeks. dd1 was very much as you describe your ds, unsettled and cried a lot.

Try to stick to whatever routine you had with your ds pre arrival of dd, as much as possible, same breakfast, beakers, stories,nap times, walks outside etc. I know it's really hard with the demands of a new baby but routine was what settled dd1 more than anything.

hth

It's hard, but it does get easier.

why did you have to swop rooms? couldn't baby be in with you?
Don't really know what to say, sorry. I have 5 dc and have never experienced any jealousy with a newborn. You sure he isn't just unwell, or getting his back teeth?
Maybe someone else can help more?

I can echo that it does get easier. 21 months between mine, and to start with DD used to kick/push DS whenever she was annoyed with me or wanted my attention. After a couple of months (at most) all that had disappeared and she now thinks he's wonderful. The first thing she does when she wakes up or comes home is ask "where's X", and she loves making him giggle.

It will take time for your DS to get used to his new sister, but he will and before long he'll have forgotten that she ever wasn't there. Just keep giving him individual attention, when you can, and telling him how special he is and you and he will get through it.

thankyou all so much for positive comments- really helps not to feel alone and been given hope that there is light at end of tunnel! in answer to why we had to swap rooms, we live in a school and flat is very dis-jointed. i'm sleeping in new babies room with baby.we moved baby to what was ds room as in centre of flat by living room etc.. whereas other bedroom is tucked back a long way awy next to mine and husbands. initially we thought that would be perfect for new baby but quickly realised that i couldnt manage to carry baby and ds though every time needed to settle new baby to sleep etc and under circumstances didnt want to leave him alone in sitting room whilst i saw to baby sister. lesser of two evils seemed to switch the rooms over but obviously wish we'd realised this and done before baby born as have only added to ds changes that he needs to adapt to.

Are you sure that it's not just coincided with a bad patch of teething and realisation he's a toddler not a baby, separation anxiety etc? My DS was a nightmare at 15 months, I seriously struggled - and there was no new baby. He was cutting molars which were so painfully slow, suffering from separation axiety with a desperate fear of being left and discovering he was wilful but without the means to communicate his wants. I don't know but could it be that? In which case you are doing exactly the right thing - lots of love, reassurance and keeping his routine the same. It will settle, and congrats on the birth!

Hi somersetlass

I havn't got any advise but just wanted to as if you live in Somerset??(as the name would suggest) if so i grow up there what school do you live in ???

Hope your DS is ok and that you are coping at lest you have an extra pair of hands for a bit ! xxx

I just wanted to add that there is 15 months between my two boys and this does pass.

We kept the baby in with us and ensured that all routines revolved around DS1.

He got lots of daddy attention and the baby just slept really.

I think that 15 months can be a difficult time anyway as they are becoming more independant.

I also found that leaving the baby with daddy while I took DS1 out worked too. Lots of painting, drawing, reading, puzzels and cuddles

It does get better. Our DS was awful just after his sister arrive, and he has gradually improved and is much better. They all go through awful insecure phases anyway, so it might just be bad timing.

You must also be tired, and probably a bit more sensitive to his needs as you have a new baby!! Its a stressful time, and as you get more used to your new LO, he will too.

I second what MadHouse says about taking your eldest out alone. I have 16 months between mine, and my DD was a nightmare when DS was born, not straight away, but once she realised that the new arrival was here to stay she was not very welcoming shall we say . Worst for me was trying to keep DD happy whilst bfing DS, very stressful, she really resented that - think she thought DS was just getting a cuddle, not feeding iyswim. If you DH is around for a bit def try taking DS out by yourself, he'll appreciate the one on one time with you and hopefully will be a bit more contented at home. It does get better, good luck!

thank you all so much.

had better night last night after shocking eve so maybe it'll just be a case of 3 steps forward 2 back and we'll get there in the end. i know what you mean about the breast feeding stress, belgiumchox.ok at the moment cos dh at home for holidays, but dreading how i'll feed when he goes back to work. need to just stay positive and focus on the things that are going well- and there are plenty of them, and just keep giving that love and attention to ds whenever we can. think a trip out just the 2 of tomorrow-like old times!!!

p.s.sweetbean,school is near shepton mallet.where did you grow up?

It does get easier! I had 15months between dd1 and my twins, another 18months between twins and ds2 and dd3 was born almost exactly a 12months later. Quite stressful(!) at the time but they're a bit older now (6,5,5,4,3) and they all have such a lovely relationship, they play so nicely and are so much less demanding than most other children. They just sort of bumble along together lol.
Of course the arguments are explosive but ah well.
Eagerly awaiting their teenage years!
So don't worry, he'll soon get used to it, lots of hugs and cuddles is my main peice of advice

I grow up in a littel village called Rimpton just out side Sherbourne so not far from you !!