Advice about behavioural issues

[WaterAndTrees]

I have two sons, who are almost 4 and 6. I am really concerned about my eldest son's behaviour and am not really sure where to look for help with this.
His behaviour has been very challenging since he was about 2 when my youngest was born. He would regularly hit him, shout at him, and this behaviour has continued with short reprieves.
He is occasionally pleasant and happy, particularly if we give him undivided attention, but most of the time seems angry and upset. Almost every day his behaviour is challenging. He is aggressive on a daily basis to his little brother, or to us. He shouts a lot. Calls us names. Hits his brother and us. He will hit his brother very hard and repeatedly. He screams uncontrollably for maybe 30minutes at a time and still has daily meltdowns about the slightest things. It could be as simple as his food being served a little too hot, or his trousers not feeling right, or not getting his own way. This would often provoke a prolonged meltdown where he will lie on the floor and kick and scream. Transitions at home are still so difficult. Getting dressed and brushing teeth in the morning is usually a struggle still.
He also lacks motivation to do his homework, practice his writing etc at home. He has for years struggled with birthday parties and new social situations, although this has slightly improved recently.
He has friends at school and gets on with everyone there.
His teachers don't have any concerns about him, and say his confidence at school is growing and he will participate, although he is sometimes perceived as a bit shy/quiet and sometimes will not want to participate if a new big group activity is introduced, but is generally good in smaller groups, is participating in group sports and will put his hand up in class. He is very focused at school and does everything that is asked of him, and his teachers are very happy with his behaviour there. He has however fallen behind on phonics, reading and writing, but is doing really well at maths.

We have parented consistently but with compassion and over the years have tried different strategies. We were very nurturing towards him as a baby and as a child. We have always tried to talk about his emotions and why he feels angry/upset but he cant tell us, and this does not seem to improve things. We have tried "calm down time (time out)" which has not worked. We have tried ignoring bad behaviour which has not worked. We always tell him that aggression/hitting etc is not acceptable and talk about other ways to express anger.
He both work a lot, but need to financially. We have had the normal stresses in the past like moving house, periods of financial difficulty, but at the moment things are pretty stable and have been for some time.

He went to an excellent small caring nursery, and goes to a small nurturing school. I just don't know how to help him and how to help our family anymore. His behaviour distresses his little brother, who has now started copying some of his behaviour, which in honesty, breaks my heart.
We don't shout at home, we don't exhibit aggression to him or anyone else. I don't feel this is learnt from anyone at school, as it has been an issue since he was much younger.
Does this sound normal to others? Has anyone else experienced this with their child?

To start off with, try going to your GP and see if you can get a referral to a parenting group. That's quite good for getting a sense of how normal or extreme his behaviour is compared to other kids, plus you'll get a shedload of different strategies to use and advice on when to use them. For example you say that at different times you tried time out and ignoring - well they are two strategies that you can use consistently at the same time. Ignoring is for minor misbehaviour while time out is reserved for serious misbehaviour like physical aggression. A group is best but you could also look at parenting books, I liked Carolynn Webster Stratton's "Incredible Years" which covers a combination of different discipline strategies for difficult kids, and Farber and Mazlish's "Siblings Without Rivalry" is good too though not one I ever had to use because my DS is an only child.

Make sure he gets undivided pleasant / relaxed attention with just you and/or DH each day - being read to, sitting in front a TV programme with you, out for a walk with you, a bit of neutral descriptive commenting while he is playing. A little of that can go a long way. I would take the pressure off with homework as much as possible if it's a flashpoint, it is not worth the suffering and the damage to your relationship especially if you don't have much time together because you are working so much. What do the school say about him "falling behind"? Are they helping him in school? Are they insisting on extra practice? I'd feel pretty wretched and angry if I had worked hard at a challenging job all week and then when I got home my husband insisted that I practise all the things I found hardest and most tiring to do at work.

It could be that he has some underlying issues and is struggling (socially or with writing etc) at school more than you or the teachers realise, and the effort of being well behaved in school is leaving him with no reserves to cope with homework or the demands of his little brother or even a dinner that's too hot. The difficulty with transitions and tantrums over minor sensory issues might possibly mean he has an underlying issue that needs investigating (it did you for my DS, though it might not mean anything for yours - my DS had issues in school too) and you could raise that with the GP too.