Phobia about not being able to do something - please help

[alexandre]

DD (aged 9) has had some problems at school recently and she has been to a paediatrician to rule out any physical cause, which he has. Her problem is that her character is to want to be the best at everything. She excels in some areas, is very good in others and those things that she is OK at, she thinks she is really bad - when she isn't, she's just average. But she can't accept that and that makes her really anxious, unhappy and she becomes scared of certain things at school which she imagines she can't do. The pyschologist had tried to explain to her that she shouldn't expect to be good at everything and that it's OK to say you're not good at something and no-one will think badly of you.

Has anyone else had this problem and does anyone have any advice as to how to tackle it?

I have this trouble with a pupil of 10 whom i teach piano. She gets v anxious about anything she can't do immediately and well. She's quite bright and reasonably able, but it's hard to make progress if I can't give her anything challenging to do!

Her mother says it's not me, she's like this in school too.

I have spoken to the child about lowering her expectations of herself, and that if she can always do everything straight away then she won't make any progress. But I don't know what the answer is and would be interested to hear what others have to say.

I was and am a bit like this myself. I had it quite badly at school, but it was much exacerbated by my parents' attitude. I'm definitely not saying this is the case in your situation, but it maybe might help you to know what it was with me??

My parents compared me with my sister. I was older and also naturally slightly more able, and therefore I was expected to win. I was then made to feel bad because I'd beaten my sister, even though it was always a competition as far as my parents were concerned.

I was also completely and utterly defined by being "the clever one." If anyone had to describe me, it was the first attribute they would ever give me (and often the last too, as I was discouraged from having friends round to the house and/or behaving like a normal person. We were supposed to be BETTER)

So you can see, a competitive environment, and an overidentification with being the successful one might cause this. I wonder if your DD maybe does define herself by her successes for whatever reason.

Solution?? Ummm dunno. I never fully got over it, but being actually pretty bright, I was able to go to a very fancy university and meet likeminded people and the pressure went off that way - I felt normal in that milieu and was therefore able to relate to myself as more of a normal person.

Sorry, this probably hasn't helped much...

Have tried to keep this short as will ramble on otherwise...

What about doing things together with dd that are new to you both, that you are both inexperienced with... but which you can both (hopefully) enjoy together. Take the emphasis off 'getting it right' and focus more on just 'doing' instead.