Strange demands

[dorris88]

So my DD is nearly 3 and has recently adopted quite weird demanding behaviour. She's very advanced we are constantly told with speech and behaviours and understanding. I think that's relevant to my issue because she's not getting frustrated about not being able to communicate properly.

Anyway... her demanding requests are:

Wanting drinks in particular cups, food in different bowls, who she wants to get her out the car, who she wants to open the door, who she wants to get her out of bed etc. At first we just did what she said but reflecting back we know it's not right.

It's not OCD behaviour, I have ADHD and it feels totally more like a controlling thing cos she kicks off when she doesn't get her own way.

It's become an issue because she's waking up 3/4 times a night because she wants one of us to tuck her blanket back in, or hand her her comfort: like she will litterally be stood there holding her comfort saying 'I want YOU to give it to me'

Other than this she is such a good loving girl and I'm just looking for any advice really:

I know we've just got to stop letting even the littlest thing (like what fork she wants) and stop letting her have these debates. It sounds petty like 'just give her the fork she wants' but she'll want the pink one and you'll bring it in, then she wants the blue one I think she just likes to rule the roost 😅

She sounds very much like my DD who is being assessed for ASD

I don't understand.... this is literally every toddler ever It's actually possible to ruin their day giving them the wrong colour cup. Indulge in it if it's no skin off your nose but otherwise just be really apologetic and let her be sad/angry. The waking up is the only thing I can see that's a little problematic. I think though just do what she asks to make her comfortable if it's reasonable and don't indulge in the demands for specific parents and minimal communication. Just 'it's nighttime darling time to sleep' then be there with her but don't talk. I think it's pretty ridiculous to be suspecting ASD based on what you said tbh but if you're worried then talk to nursery and see what they think. Just enjoy her though she sounds very clever and just fine x

I think it's pretty ridiculous to be suspecting ASD based on what you said tbh. Which is exactly what we've been told time abs time again.

Definitely worth reading up on ASD in girls in nothing else.

But what she's describing is NORMAL! This girl is 3, a baby. There's a whole funny website called 'reasons my kid is crying' which shows toddlers upset for ridiculous reasons. It's literally what they're known for. It's exponentially more likely to be a developmental phase than a developmental disability. I'd be more concerned if she WASN'T doing these things. Parenting is hard. It's meant to be hard. Not every challenge is autism/ADHD

Parenting is hard. It's meant to be hard. Not every challenge is autism/ADHD

Totally understand that but in our case it's pretty obvious it is.

Wanting drinks in particular cups, food in different bowls, who she wants to get her out the car, who she wants to open the door, who she wants to get her out of bed etc.

My kids are NT and this is normal ime.

Don't you have a favourite mug or a preferred glass for your drink?

There are a lot of shops offering plates for kids her age with divided sections so different foods don't touch. These are mainstream shops and not specialist ones catering for special needs.

Trying to control which parent opens the car door, gets her in the morning is also normal. Kids often have a preferred parent for this even though they love both.

Age 3 is often known as being a threenager because they try to impose unreasonable expectations on their family and friends.

https://www.boredpanda.com/funny-reasons-why-kids-cry/?utmsource=google&utmmmedium=organic&utmcampaign=organic

@Jannt86 I never said I suspected ASD I said it wasn't so please read as is, and not try to misinterpret what I said.

I said I knew it wasn't because I HAVE ADHD and the behaviours are not the same.

I was simply asking for advice on how to challenge the behaviour.

@BananaPB

It's not about favourites if it was it wouldn't be an issue I'm not the devil depriving my child of their favourite things 😅!

I could give her her favourite cup ever, and she will want another one just because then I will change it and she'll want a different one. She will ask me to get her out of bed and I will go in and she will cry and say 'I do want daddy to'.

I know it's normal toddler behaviour but I'm not going to let her kick off all the time and get her own way because it's normal of a toddler. If she's pushing boundaries I need to show her where they are, it's good for her and I was simply seeking advice on that 🙂 not advice on whether I should find this behaviour a concern or not because that's not anyone else's choice so if you would be fine with your child behaving this way then keep scrolling.

I have got advice from another route anyway and have implemented a marble jar. So far so good.

Thanks

For things like cups, plates, which shirt to wear, etc., we handle this by offering choices. 'Do you want the pink bowl or the green one?' heads off quite a lot of it for us, and is an age-appropriate amount of control for DD to have. We don't let her change her mind once we've got the thing out, so she gets a choice, but she doesn't get to make more work for us.

For who puts her to bed, gets her in/out of the buggy, etc., she doesn't generally get to choose (exceptions for things like illness). She's been in a mummy phase since birth and would always choose me, for one thing. For 'big' things like who does bedtime, we alternate, so we will tell her 'daddy today, mummy tomorrow' if she protests on daddy's night, and it seems to help (doesn't stop her asking, but usually avoids much fuss over it).

No you absolutely shouldn't run yourself ragged catering for her and you have to be realistic but you also have to accept that she will be upset and evwn tantrum sometimes. Mine had an epic meltdown last week coz she insisted she wanted beans on toast then cried when I bought it out because she wanted a sandwhich (which I offered her in the first place) I was very apologetic and ackonowledged that she was disappointed but 'sorry we don't waste food so you need to try and eat your beans before I make a sandwhich'. Lots of tears but eventually ate it whilst saying 'I really like you mummy' They aee looking for you to take the lead a bit but in a sensitive way is all. X

This is the year when she learns how to deal with her emotions because once she's 4 at at school/pre-school her peers are going to if she's still at the stage where she flips over silly stuff like her crisps at the bottom of the packet being broken.

It's bloody tough but most kids learn how to deal with emotions like disappointment more appropriately at least out of the house I'm not saying give in but you need to ride this out so she learns to accept that if she asked for the green cup but changed her mind then she needs to say that she wants red at her next meal or quickly say that she'd actually prefer red before you pour the drink.

Talk to her when she's calm. Label the feeling and perhaps suggest what she could do next time. A bit of sympathy sometimes helps too "I don't like it when there's lots of crumbs at the bottom of the crisp packet too" Sometimes it helps to explain that the red cup is dirty and in the dishwasher so she can have it at lunch.

I think that when your child can chat very well it's easy to forget their real age and mistakenly treat them older than they are. It's perfectly reasonable to have boundaries - "Mummy is in the house so can't open the car door" or have a rule like the driver will open her door because she's sitting behind the driver.

Obviously nobody can say if she did have SN but just wanted to reassure that NT kids often behave like this

@BananaPB I think you hit the nail on the head where she has spoken very clearly since just before her second birthday, she can seem a lot older than she is.