Daughter (5) saying really sad shocking things.

[Chiffandbip]

My daughter (5) has been really emotionally deregulated recently especially towards bedtime.
She has always been very secure, intelligent, well behaved, straight forward and intelligent.
She started school in reception in September and (as I’m a reception teacher in a different school) I was prepared for her to change, to be exhausted and for her behaviour to change due to her becoming more peer oriented BUT... I was not prepared for her to be:
Refusing to do anything I ask of her.
Telling me she wishes she’d never been born.
Telling me she hates being a child.
Telling me she’s useless at everything (despite the fact she can already read, write and do difficult maths).
This evening she has pinched me, splashed me told me I’m stupid and seemed furious with me. I managed to stay calm until she pinched my under arm and a shouted “stop it” (it bloody hurt!) I’ve never shouted at her before and I’m really upset.
I don’t know what to do. She seems happy going into school and has plenty of friends and good relationships with all the adults.
Is it normal for children to say things like this? I’m really worried that she might have some kind of mental illness. I really didn’t think I’d be dealing with a child saying they wish they’d never been born at the age of 5.

It's probably not a mental illness if she's getting along fine in school. I guess you've already checked with her teachers in case there are any friendship issues bothering her? But mostly it sounds as if she has put all her energy into regulating herself at school and she's saved up all her defiance and stroppiness for out of school. And by the end of the day she is just knackered and crazy.

If she hasn't had a "no to everything" stage yet then she's overdue for one. It's easier to deal with in a two year old. Try to avoid "asking her to do things". Treat her temporarily like a younger child. Keep to a routine so she knows what's coming, give her simple choices (red dress or blue) Even "we need to go to the shops this morning, shall we go now or in 10 minutes" may give her enough space to avoid an instinctive "no". Try to do things with her if that seems to help, and let her do things her own way rather than telling her what to do and how to do it.

If she tells her she is useless at everything then give her plenty of positive reaction and try to validate things that are not achievements or abilities - "I love practicing spelling with you" or "I love watching you climb trees" insted of "you are great at spelling / you can climb to the very top of trees". Now and again when she is playing try to sit with her and do a bit of descriptive commenting on what she is doing - no value judgments, no instructions, no praise or criticism or suggestions - just "you are painting in red - making a big red ring - rinsing the brush - choosing a colour - oh it's blue" etc.

I wouldn't worry about the extreme statements. She is a bit young to be emotionally articulate so she's putting all her feelings into these extremes. Maybe try to unpick them a bit with her - what is it about being a child that she doesn't like? Or just agree yes it's tough. And separately try to get her to recongise a few good things, maybe each of you share "one nice thing that happened today" at the end of the day. And although The Unwritten Rules of Friendship is mainly a scoial skills book it has a possibly useful chapter called "The Pessimistic Child" about how to deal with negative thoughts.

Good luck

Thank you so much for all of your valuable insights. I didn’t have a mum growing up (apart from short fortnightly visits) as she had a bad mental illness and couldn’t cope.
I think I have pretty robust mental health but that’s why I worry about my daughter saying dark things.
I don’t have family nearby so although I know I’m doing a good job I also don’t have anyone who understands.
I think I’m partly to blame because I’ve become a bit slack with sugar intake and not enough fresh air abs open ended play.
I’ve always been so astonished by her intellectual capabilities that maybe I’ve praised her too much for her cleverness.
We are going on a sea side holiday this week so I’m going to try and give her lots of choice, relaxation and time in nature hoping it will help to soothe her.
Thanks again all.

We are going on a sea side holiday this week so I’m going to try and give her lots of choice, relaxation and time in nature hoping it will help to soothe her.

Sounds lovely. Enjoy!