Reception child hitting.

[Thatsnotappropriate]

Hi all.

My daughter recently started reception. Since starting, she has found herself so wound up that she has screaming tantrums, and has hit her teacher and the classroom assistant several times. I’ve been called in for a meeting which I attended and agreed to try and work with the school for a solution. This Monday I was called in and asked to remove her from school as she was so wound up they couldn’t cope with her.

I’ve gone to pick up her up, at home time today to find out yet again there is a problem.

She doesn’t hit me or my husband at home. She occasionally throws tantrums which result in time outs, when she comes down after half or so of her own accord and ways how she behaved was wrong and apologises.

Privileges such as kids tv after school and the half hour of screen time have been removed, and I sent her to her room as soon as we got home. I’m at my wits end, I don’t know what else to do - she’s only four. I have booked a docs appointment to try and see if there is any SEN that needs addressing.

I don’t even know what the point of this post is. I just am made to feel by the school that I have a delinquent on my hand and I feel like the worst shittest parent.

As anyone else been through a anything similar and can anyone offer any advice

I have the opposite problem - a hitter at home who wouldn’t lay a finger on anyone at school! So I don’t have any direct experience but didn’t want to read and run.

The school really should be doing more to help. What did they say they’d do when you agreed to work together on it?

If she doesn’t behave like this at home then something about school must be setting her off. Has anyone talked to her about whether there’s anything bothering her? Sometimes setting up a little play scenario with toy people and getting her to play it out will tell you something about what could be going on.

If she’s still under 5, you could try talking to your health visitor, and ask to get the school SENCO involved. My DD gets access to therapy in school because of emotional difficulties she was having that weren’t even particularly affecting her learning in school.

You’re not a shit parent and she’s not a delinquent. She’s a tiny child who’s just started Reception and something is clearly going awry for her.

Hi OP,
This is massively stressful for your family 💐It sounds like your dc is overwhelmed / overstimulated by the class environment and needs a plan of pastoral support in place. For example a quiet work space she can be in before she gets overstimulated , playing with small groups of other children, work done around identifying when she’s feeling frustrated and being able to express it with words. This sort of thing is basic pastoral care for schools, all children are unique and some find managing large class environments overstimulating or anxiety triggering - hitting teachers is a “flight or fight” response to a situation your DC is struggling with- particularly as it does not happen at home. What you’ve described at school is more an emotional meltdown rather than a tantrum which children have some degree of control over ( which is properly what you see at home).
Don’t feel bad about what’s happening, your doing the right thing by seeing it as a likely SEN issue and be clear with the school that this is a reaction to class environment rather than a home issue. They need to put a plan of pastoral support in place to reduce your DC from feeling overwhelmed. She is in reception and it’s unlikely she’s the first child that’s ever behaved like this so really the school should be better experienced in dealing with it. The best you can do is support your DC to tell the teacher / TA when they need to have quiet time- perhaps a code word, advocate for her with the school and don’t get into punishing her at home at just makes her feel worse about school and just be really cool and reassuring when incidents happen.
If the school can’t address it in the way you feel is supportive- and you have the money-pay for an educational psychologist to assess your DC privately-they will give an assessment of any sensory issues and a plan for her to guide the school. Hope things work out 😀

Thank you both for your responses I really appreciate it!

I had a parents evening zoom call with her teacher earlier. To cut a long story short they are getting an a ‘behavioural therapy team’ in to observe her. The teacher also said that she’s basically on the route to exclusion, which gutted me to be honest. And also that they have reffered me to something called ‘family doorstep’ I had never heard of before - the teacher said it was to support me, having googled it after the meeting it turns out it’s a branch of social services

I am trying to settle said child in bed, and will read through your replies in more depth after, but wanted to let you know I really appreciate your replying thank you!

The school’s reaction sounds really bizarre and disproportionate, OP. Is this an ordinary state primary school?

As @Genevie82 says, they should be able to put a plan in place and offer some strategies to support your DD. Talk of exclusion at this point is just madness.

I think I’d be asking for a follow up meeting after the behavioural team have done their bit, and would be asking the teachers what their plan was to support DD in the classroom.

On the family doorstep thing, the only good thing about it is that it might open some doors to other sources of help for your DD, if you decide that’s what’s needed.

Hello!

It’s a Catholic primary school. No idea if that makes any difference. I’m agnostic, however my husband is from a very Catholic family. We were married in the Catholic Church and my daughter baptised.

It does all seem very extreme but she is my only child so I have nothing to compare it too.

Having done a little research last night, you can’t exclude a pupil under 7 unless you have had them assessed and tried to meet their needs first. This does make me wonder if they are hoping I won’t know this, and can get rid of her before any testing is done and they have to meet her ‘needs’

Ok, great that you found that out.

Yes, it does sound as though they only want straightforward kids in the class and that they’re hoping you’ll go away.

Having said that, if I were you, I think I’d be looking at other schools anyway because they really don’t sound able to meet her needs.

What’s the vibe of the classroom/school like? I know it’s hard to tell when we’re not really allowed in there at the moment.

Could you request to sit in on the class for a day? Perhaps you can see a trigger that the teacher/teaching assistance isn't picking up on.

My niece had a similar issue when starting nursery, she was very overwhelmed by the new environment. If I remember right, they started taking her out for 10 minute quiet reading times throughout the day around stressful times like when the kids were all getting excited about lunch, or going out into the playground (i guess the times when kids usually get amped up).

The school sounds like they aren't handling the situation correctly at all. They seem to be putting the blame on your child and you, when the issue only occurs in school, indicating it is actually a problem with their environment. Has your daughter mentioned why she feels so frustrated there?

Really sorry you and your DD are having to go through this.

Thank you for your comments. I thought the school seemed really lovely. Small classes, grow their own veg etc… maybe I was wrong.
The observing her myself is a good idea. I have a current crb check certificate, so they can’t refuse in those grounds.
DD was unwell yesterday, got her a doc appointment and she has a urine infection. I do wonder wether that might account for some of the behaviour these PST few days?

I rang in to report her absence, and couldn’t stop thinking her teacher was probably delighted to not have her there

The reaction of the school is awful. My son was diagnosed with autism after starting school. We hadn’t realised there was any issue with him until the first day he went in! Everyday i collected him the teacher would stop us to explain about some problem with him shouting, crying, hitting etc. It was a really worrying time in my life. I remember asking the teacher might he be expelled and she was shocked I even thought it was a possibility. The school focused on helping him. They worked with the team that diagnosed him and brought in things like movement breaks to help him regulate himself. He is 12 now and a totally different boy because of the help and understanding he got. He is never disruptive now and loves school and goes in happily everyday.

If she is so wound up by starting reception that they can't cope with her, but she is OK at home, and there hasn't been any trauma, then that is not a discipline problem it is quite possibly a developmental/special needs problem. So you are doing absolutely the right thing to go to the GP.

Don't remove privileges at home for behaviour in reception. Well, not unless the school have specifically told you to do this as part of a joint behaviour plan, and even then I would keep it as mild as possible. Your DD is probably feeling really traumatised at school and the safer and more loved she feels at home, the calmer more relaxed and friendly and kindly you can keep things at home, the better. And yes I speak from experience, that's also advice I was given at a parenting group, to the point where the teacher said to me "I don't know what you're doing at home but keep going it's working".

My son did similar stuff on starting school, after he'd been very happily settled in a nursery. He turned out to have (an unusal presentation of) autism. This was before there was much awareness of autism, and he had been so well cared for and so settled at nursery that no-one noticed until he made the transition to school and he couldn't cope with the overstimulation and the new social demands and expectations. The result was a happy child turned into a raging violent monster within two weeks. Luckily his class teacher had taught a similar child a few years earlier, spotted the signs and pointed us at getting help and support for him. But it was a knife-edge - the head teacher warned us that without the right support DS would be permanently excluded as a danger to himself and others. I don't know if you have a health visotr, mine was very supportive while we tried to figure out wtf was going on and how to keep DS in school.

I have a lot of extra grey hairs but DS did get the right support (his reception teacher pulled out all the stops for him!) and then things gradually got better.

Hey, @Thatsnotappropriate, something reminded me of this today and I wondered how things were going.