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Behaviour/development

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Gentle Parenting makes me an ineffectual parent?

16 replies

MrsCremuel · 17/10/2021 18:48

I’m trying the gentle parenting thing and it just feels so…lame. I name the feelings, give options etc etc and then what? The behaviour continues or my 2.5yo DS will tell me his preferred 3rd option. I don’t want to be a punishment focused mum but are consequences really that bad? I do like naming the feeling etc but what’s the backbone behind it? My DS is lovely but exuberant and big and hates sharing toys etc and tends to get frustrated which leads to negative behaviours. Dinner is also a battle ground. I feel like he needs consequences or he will just shrug me off.

Does it work for anyone and what are your children’s personalities if so?

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vera16 · 17/10/2021 20:27

I have heard of gentle parenting but I don't know much about it. I can only say I can't imagine parenting a 2.5 year old without consequences. When you give choices are they all viable options? I give choices but more along the lines of - a) you can get dressed and come out with Mummy in the car, or b) you can not get dressed but you will have to stay here and Mummy will go shopping by herself.

Mattieandmummy · 18/10/2021 20:09

We've always done gentle parenting and I'd suggest Sarah Ockwell Smith's book Gentle Parenting. 'How to talk so little kids listen' is also good, different author.

The choices I offer my almost 3 year old are pretty simple - 2 choices of outfit, 2 choices of snack etc. I don't use consequences but try and use humour and keep things light hearted but there are definitely times I am screaming "just put your shoes on" etc in my head. It takes a lot of patience sometimes and it's not a quick fix.

I wouldn't expect a 2.5 year to share or really understand the concept of sharing though. That's a much later concept in my experience.

Mattieandmummy · 18/10/2021 20:11

Oh I forgot to say on personality types - let's just say there's an awful lot of opinions in my house and "no Mummy I'm busy right now" is heard a lot.

MrsCremuel · 18/10/2021 21:45

@Mattieandmummy yeah, if I offer two outfits he’ll say he wants to play Lego or make up a different snack he wants! I do try with humour, but I’m not sure I have the patience but will keep trying. Sometimes when I am on a good day it’s easy but other days he does wear me down, Today I was trying to get him off the beach and he just ignored me, how long would you persist? I just think everything will take absolutely ages with this method?

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MrsCremuel · 18/10/2021 21:53

That sounds so negative. He is a delight but we have got into a rut in certain situations which is draining.

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vera16 · 18/10/2021 22:16

I have now read a bit about this and realised I do apply many of these techniques already. Probably a bit stricter in some situations. I think it 'works' in that my kid is genuinely upset when he knows he's done the wrong thing and likes to please me by doing the right thing. The naughty step was introduced at a younger age but barely mentioned now as the vague threat of it is usually enough! And I'm always very apologetic with my punishments, such as 'Mummy is very sad to have to do x,y,z but I have to'. BUT my kid is mostly soft natured and has always been fairly laid back. I can't say if these techniques would work with a more defiant personality. I suspect it would be more of a struggle. Maybe you need to adapt some of the techniques slightly?

skkyelark · 18/10/2021 22:32

I am not sure exactly what you mean by 'consequences' – it's one of those words that can cover a wide range of things for different people – but I think gentle parenting does very much include the idea of setting and enforcing limits/boundaries, which may include things that look very much like 'consequences'.

DD is a few months younger than your son. For us, the 'consequence' is directly linked to enforcing the boundary (e.g, throwing blocks and not stopping when asked means the blocks get put away so no one gets hurt/things don't get broken, not that DD doesn't get any pudding that day), we explain (very simply!) why she can't do it, and we give her another chance with whatever it was soon (and let her know this, e.g., 'we can play with the blocks again after lunch'). Of course she can get upset when we enforce the limit, and we'd empathise with her, offer cuddles if she wants them – but the blocks stay put away for a bit. It's not about punishment, it's about preventing harm and giving her enough of a break from temptation that she has a realistic chance of doing better next time.

In terms of options, I also tend to give two, always both viable, but sometimes of the 'you can choose to use the toilet first or clean your teeth first, but we're getting ready for bed now' sort. On the flip side, if I've offered her apple or banana for snack, and she can see pears in the fruit bowl and asks for pear, I'll give her pear. For us, this seems to work – she generally seems to accept that if she names a third option and I say 'no, A or B', then she has to pick A or B. (The current exception is around going upstairs to bed, when she'll come up with options C, D, E, and F...)

Mattieandmummy · 19/10/2021 08:37

I suppose when I say consequences I mean something like not having desert if all of dinner isn't eaten or not going somewhere or being excluded - naughty step or similar if they don't do x. Punishment really I guess.

In cases when it's just a flat out no I'm not doing whatever it is I try to find a way of doing what I want to be done that they also want to do so we both win. At the moment hopping like a bunny is popular so who can hop like a bunny to the kitchen (to get cutlery but keep that bit up my sleeve). I really try to avoid getting to the point where it's a battle of wills because it just ends up with tears all round and me feeling like a sh** mummy.

Mattieandmummy · 19/10/2021 08:49

Just thinking about this a bit more - there are limits to what isn't allowed so climbing on chairs and up on the table for example. In that case we explain simply why not and remove them. There are sometimes tears and then we offer hugs and sympathy for frustration and upset. I will normally say something like I can see you wanted to climb so let's go and climb in the garden or the playground or whatever.

Escapetothecounty · 19/10/2021 15:21

Hi OP - my understanding of gentle parenting is that a lot of it is surrounding setting boundaries and natural consequences, it's not just letting them get away with stuff. For example, on the beach I'd say 'one more sandcastle then we're leaving' 'come on now time to go' and if they refuse 'time to go now' and remove them (pick up toys, take their hand, lift them if needed) and if you want to go the whole gentle parenting hog 'sounds like you're really sad to be leaving the beach, it's hard to stop doing things that are fun' etc etc when they're protesting.

For things like getting dressed, use the Lego as a reward 'Lego is so fun! As soon as you're dressed we can play! Do you want to wear X or y?'

Natural consequences/rewards are the way to go I think.

Escapetothecounty · 19/10/2021 15:24

P.s. it's also an age thing I think. My DD was a nightmare with pushing boundaries at 2.5/3. Now at nearly 4 she's generally good and will do what I ask without (much) protest. I think it's a combination of growing out of it, and consistency so she knows that when I give her 2 options, there is no alternative so no point in arguing. It's been a long road though so I understand your frustration.

TeenMinusTests · 19/10/2021 15:27

I don't know what gentle parents do when they have 2 children...

To get off the beach I'd do 'one more quick run to the sea then we'll go'.
If they didn't cooperate I'd pick them up at age 2.5.

Then I'd say, what a shame we were going to do X on the way home, but now don't have time.

vera16 · 19/10/2021 15:44

Similar to PPs there is definitely an improvement with age. Three was much better than 2.5.

MrsCremuel · 19/10/2021 19:40

Thanks all, good to know it’s not beyond the pale to pick them up and just leave! Had a bit more success today thankfully. Think I need to actually read the book rather than just the Facebook posts! I fall asleep after 3 pages of a book these days.

I have a newborn too so it’s a lovely but challenging time, though my toddler is doing remarkably well considering!

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underneaththeash · 20/10/2021 07:23

As a PP said, they start having a bit more patience and understanding generally at 3.
Having a rigid parenting method isn't a good idea IMO, you need to adapt to the time, place, understanding, tiredness/hunger level of the child. Saying "would you like to go on the swing or the slide before we go home" is just good/easy parenting, rather than a "method", but it's not going to work if you have a tired/cross/wet/hungry child or one who is hitting another child. You sometimes need to pick them up and do the knee in crotch - buggy strap manoeuvre.

Without exception across all of my children's primary schooling in several different schools, the parents who did blanket "gentle parenting" had disruptive children with behavioural issues.

TeenMinusTests · 20/10/2021 07:41

You do need to find a method that gets things done.

Otherwise what will you do when your newborn is 2.5 and won't cooperate, but you have to get to school to pick up eldest...

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