4 year old lashing out at school

[sunnyfields25]

Hi

I've received so much helpful advice on here over the years, and am really hoping someone might be able to steer me in the right direction with this situation.

DS turned 4 in May and started school in September. Today at pick up I was told by the teacher he had bitten a girl and scratched a boy in two separate incidents. Getting information from DS was like getting blood from a stone, but it seems he was angry with the girl because she moved the pretend food he'd left cooking in the toy kitchen. He didn't seem to know why he'd hurt the other child.

We used to have problems with him lashing out at nursery, but after a lot of hard work from both us and the nursery staff, that situation improved massively and I thought these days were behind us.

DH and I have done so much work with DS over the past year on talking about feelings, reading books about feelings, teaching coping mechanisms for dealing with anger. But it feels like we're back to square one and we're unsure of how to handle this now. Some websites say that punishment will increase the pent-up feelings of anger and anxiety and make things worse, and that instead children who lash out need more attention and love. Other websites advise time out and punishments. Does anyone have experience of which approach is best? We want him to understand this behaviour is wrong, but also need to teach him how to behave differently.

What doesn't help matters is that he only has one boy who he considers his best friend, but I think it's quite a toxic 'friendship'. The other boy seems to be constantly telling DS that he doesn't want to play, doesn't like him any more, runs away from him and kicks him. And yet DS worships him and insists he doesn't want to play with anyone else because he has this 'best friend'. This in no way excuses DS's behaviour, but I'm wondering if being treated like this and having no-one else to play with is contributing to his bottled-up anger and outbursts.

I'm worried he's going to end up with no friends. And I feel terrible that two children have gone home today with injuries causes by DS :(

At his age there is zero benefit from punishment at home for behaviour at school.

What does the teacher say? Are they concerned about his behaviour?

That's what I was thinking, that it's maybe too much of a delayed response for DS to actually link the behaviour and punishment together.

Just realised it was actually the TA who told me and she reassured me that it's nothing to worry about at this stage. She said it would be a problem if it continues throughout the rest of the school year. I suppose my concern is that it might continue, if we don't deal with it in the right way.

If it was the TA, I'd ask for a meeting with the teacher and see what she has to say.

Not dismissing the TA but you do need to speak to his Teacher.

Coincidentally we have an online parents evening next week so I can ask her about it then. Although maybe not time to go into much detail as it looks like the slots are only 5 mins each.

Coincidentally we have an online parents evening next week so I can ask her about it then. Although maybe not time to go into much detail as it looks like the slots are only 5 mins each.

I've never waited until Parent's Evening to bring things up. If you're worried about him it best to sort things out now rather than later.