My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

Help! Children and sex games

7 replies

Lollipop · 15/10/2002 15:03

Last night my dd's friend's mum (A) called me and said she wanted to meet up and talk about something. It sounded ominous so I went over straight away. Basically, my daughter (age 5) played there last week, A heard my dd saying to hers "just do it" , she went in, my dd looked shifty and A spent some time getting them to tell her what they were playing etc. My dd had asked her dd to touch her vagina (but with clothes on). A explained very nicely that your v is private and we shouldn't look or touch others etc etc. My dd was very upset that A might tell me so A promised not to. It obviously preyed on A's mind and she told me that for the rest of the week she "pumped" (her words) her daughter for any other information before approaching me. Yesterday, she "pumped" and her dd told her that my dd had suggested a game where she would be the naughty boyfriend and her dd should close her eyes. A said and then what happened and her dd said nothing, that was it she just had to close her eyes.

So A just thought I ought to be aware of this.

I was completely stunned/embarassed/ etc etc and didn't say a great deal other than I would bring up the subject with dd and re-affirm that her body is private etc etc

A also brought up the fact that nearly a year ago our 2 dds were in her dd's bed messing about and then my dd came downstairs and told me her vagina was sore. She thought this might be connected. ( i do vaguely remember my dd having a little paper cut on her vagina so it hurt when she went to the loo).

We then had a little chat where I said I was mourning the loss of innocence as in the last week I have had to deal with dd saying kids are telling her father xmas doesn't exist and someone has been telling her all about childbirth, how it happens, agony, and she won't be having any babies. In fact, I know it is A's daughter telling dd and others about childbirth because A told me last week that her dd had inadvertently watched such programme on tv. Anyway, I wasn't being accusatory or anything just trying to convey this general period of lost innocence and kids telling each other all the snippets they pick up etc

Anyway, went home and cried. DH and my best friend very supportive, yes we will re-emphasise about privacy and bodies etc but DH and best friend also think that A has completely over-reacted. Yes, fine to mention it but to call me in the evening and for me to go over at 9.30pm was all a bit dramatic. These games are totally normal, and while we should keep an eye on the games they play, and distract them with something else if we "catch" them, it is normal and they will grow out of it if handled sensibly.

A also mentioned abot 3 times that as I was a working mum I don't always know what's going on in the playground and I don't get to spend as much time with my dd as she does with hers etc. That really hurt.

Anyway, have not stopped thinking about it today. I certainly feel she was insinuating something as she was asking questions about my dd's childminder, the other children there, her older cousins etc
I certainly won't feel like encouraging our dd's friendship with each other as I will now feel that A is watching and listening to everything my dd now says and will continue "pumping" her daughter for information. (A admits herself she is overly protective of her only child).

I would really welcome your comments and views on this.

OP posts:
Report
SoupDragon · 15/10/2002 15:20

Tricky. One thing I will say is that A "pumping" her DD for info isn't going to work as they soon learn what it is that grown ups want or expect to hear. Not everything As DD tells her will necessarily be 100% true. DS tells me what he thinks I want to hear when I ask him questions and he's only 3 1/2 so A's DD could have made the connection between the "game" and her mother asking questions.

Yes, it was right for A to tell you about it and, if you look at it objectively, to ask about the childminder etc. Maybe she's just being concerned for your DD but in your hurt and upset state of mind, this is not how it's come across. I agree that 9:30pm is a bit OTT though and it should have been done much more low key.

On another note, why is she so sure your DD is the instigator? Is it just because her DD said your DD suggested the naughty boyfriend game? It's her DD who's inadvertently watched a child birth programme so could it have actually startes with her. I'm not suggesting you start making any accusations but, if A is overly protective of her DD she may not believe her capable of such games or of lying when asked about them. A's DD will certainly have caught onto the fact that her mother didn't like the idea of what they were doing and, like any 5 year old, may have seen an opportunity to pass the blame.

Anyway, enough rambling. I think all you need to do is to explain to your DD that her body is private, which you've done, and leave it at that. Keep an eye out yourself to see if your DDs saying or doing anything inappropriate but don't make a big deal about it. Have you asked your DD about it? What's her side of the story?

Report
Katherine · 15/10/2002 16:57

Oh Lollipop I really feel for you. This is such a difficult subject and something no parent wants to comtemplate. I am sure all sorts of things are going through your mind now.

You must of course keep an open mind about things and keep an eye on your daughter for any other signs of a problem. No-one can imagine that this sort of thing happens to someone they care for but beleive me it does.

On the other hand children are not shy in the same way we are. My DS aged 4 constantly discusses his willy and my DD her "twinkle". They have serious discussions about who has what and DS once followed my poor neighbour to her bath and sat watching discussing how mummy had those, but not quite the same and daddy didn't. Their innocence is beautiful and far from your daughter talking about her vagina being a sign of a loss of innocence I would say it probably indicates just how innocent she is.

The"naughty boyfriend" game would concern me more but if A's DD is able to watch graphic programmes about childbirth then its not unreasonable that she might also have seen a programme with a "boyfriend" so again it could be totally innocent interpretation.

I think A obviously has your DD best interests at heart and although she could have been a bit more tactful, you can't hold her concern against her. Maybe this is something she worries about a lot.

It must be very hard for you to make sense of all this. My advice would be not to panic or assume the worst, but not to dismiss it either. Chances are it is probably just one of those childish things that you will laugh about one day. Big hugs though as it must be hard.

Report
robinw · 15/10/2002 18:41

message withdrawn

Report
Clarinet60 · 15/10/2002 21:04

Feel for you, Lollipop. As you know, it is all perfectly normal. I can remember doing stuff like this with friends when I was little. 'A' sounds like a bit of a git though.
Agree about childbirth and nature - you can't keep it from them forever, especially if you live on a farm, like us! (Squealing, blood, dead calves & lambs - not that we let ds watch, but one day he's going to come across it.)

Report
WideWebWitch · 15/10/2002 21:08

Lollipop, not much to add to the other good advice but I would say that I don't think I'd generally be worried about 2 girls (or boys for that matter) playing in this way. Didn't we play doctors and nurses? Well, I did! I do worry that we are all a bit over primed (maybe? big subject) for signs of abuse and worry sometimes when all is perfectly innocent.

I'm not surprised that your friends comment about your working full time upset you. If I were in a sensitive mood I might well interpret this as "you work, what do you know about your child/what goes on etc?" although she didn't mean it that way one hopes. Do you think there's more to it and she isn't telling you? If so, talk to her. If you think it was just a bitchy comment, rise above it. Agree that pumping a child will usually get you nowhere (or fantasy land) fast so I wouldn't set too much store by the result. It must be worrying but it doesn't sound like anything terrible happened. And yes, her dd was the one who saw childbirth in all its gory detail, but I don't necessarily think that's a terrible thing either if it is explained properly. Not ideal maybe, but not the end of the world either. If you're happy with your dd's care then I would try to put this down to experience.

Report
jasper · 15/10/2002 23:37

Lollipop, you said
" These games are totally normal, and while we should keep an eye on the games they play, and distract them with something else if we "catch" them, it is normal and they will grow out of it if handled sensibly. "

TOO TRUE!
You have a sensible approach to these things.
A, on the other hand, does not.

The comments about you being a working mum are, IMO, somewhere between insensitive and a bit bitchy. Imagine if you said to her "of course as you don't have a job or a life outwith your daughter you tend to overrreact".

For someone who is overly protective of her child it seems strange that this little girl "inadvertently " saw a graphic programme on childbirth and is now scaring her classmates.

I can see how this incident would upset you, but it will soon blow over.
Both you and A only have your childrens' best interests at heart, but it does sound as though A needs to get out more

Report
Tillysmummy · 16/10/2002 08:41

Lollipop, can't add any better advice than is already here but if it makes you feel better I don't think it is a big deal either, at all. I think that it is a fine line between making your child aware so that they know what is right and what is wrong and not to accept inappropriate behaviour so that they are warned and dont' get abused, but also it is normal for chilrden to play these sort of discovery games.

I can clearly remember playing all sorts of slightly 'sexual' games at the age of about 8 or 9 with my girlfriends ! No harm ever came out of it, and though I cringe to look back on it now i am sure it was normal.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.