6 year old anger

[mistermagpie]

My son is 6, he was the worlds easiest baby - slept through the night really early, always napped well, really well behaved, just a lovely lovely child. We had his brother before he was two and his sister when he was 4.5 and he barely batted an eyelid / no jealousy or anything, he is pretty consistently good to them.

Everyone always commented on how good he was but gradually we realised that he's just a real people pleaser and had a fear of getting into trouble, which meant he would stay completely quiet at nursery and fell quite far behind. When he started school last year he couldn't even hold a pencil properly, but we were told he'd catch up and he has to a certain extent. He's still well behaved at school and generally polite and compliant. He has always been delayed with motor skills and has terrible coordination, I strongly suspect dyspraxia but nothing has been diagnosed.

However, over the last year at home he is absolutely horrible. I know that sounds awful but I can't stand him sometimes - he is angry and huffy all the time. He loses his temper at the slightest thing at least once or twice a day resulting in screaming tantrums where he says he doesn't love us and will be violent to himself - head butting things and punching himself in the head or stomach. About half the time we might manage to calm him down but often we can't. It's embarrassing when we are out and really really disruptive to the family. I find myself cycling between practically begging him to calm down and then losing my temper with him myself. DH is the same, and he must get a lot of mixed messages from that - the whole thing is a mess.

I am at the end of my rope with him really, I'm not sure what to do or where to turn but I'm beginning to not like him which sounds horrible. I feel so low and depressed about it and obviously his moods are all over the place.

I don't know what happened to my lovely boy, was it the pandemic? Having two siblings really close in age? Not enough attention? Too much attention? I just don't know and I don't know what to do.

Does anyone else have any insight into six year old behaviours because I just feel like the level of anger he has isn't normal.

Take a look at 'big little feelings', there's various videos on youtube. It's really interesting and may help.

However, over the last year at home he is absolutely horrible. I know that sounds awful but I can't stand him sometimes - he is angry and huffy all the time. He loses his temper at the slightest thing at least once or twice a day resulting in screaming tantrums where he says he doesn't love us and will be violent to himself - head butting things and punching himself in the head or stomach.

Oh poor you and poor wee boy too. He has delayed motor skills and poor co-ordination, maybe to the point of dyspraxia, that must be terribly frustrating and upsetting for him. He may be finding it harder and harder to meet your expectations and to keep up with his siblings who don't have these problems. Maybe he's afraid of being constantly faced with situations he can't handle. His fear of getting into trouble while knowing he struggles to keep up may be making him more and more anxious and miserable and adding to his hair-trigger temper.

Don't beg him to calm down. Don't even flood him with attention. Instead try to give him a calm unchallenging environment at home; relaxed, predictable, low stress, low demand. This may not be easy or even possible with two siblings who may need a much livelier life. But do the best you can. Try to identify and avoid the kinds of situations that trigger his temper - yes in the long run he will need strategies to manage those situations himself but no-one learns anything when they are in the middle of a tantrum or even on the verge of one. And do try to get his issues assessed and supported, he may be facing many more challenges than you realise as the other kids forge ahead.

Although he doesn't exactly sound explosive-inflexible you might find the "shifting gears" and "baskets" approaches to managing his tempers here will help to cut down the temper outbursts; and you might find that the "kids do well when they can" philosophy in the same book makes it easier to tolerate his hehaviour and feel less embarrassed when he kicks off in public.

(I'm also not clear if he's at home all the time or going to school - if he's at shcool then the effort of keeping up at school may leave him strssed and exhausted and unable to cope with even the slightest stress or excitement at home)