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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How much should you give in to?

14 replies

LadyOfWassail · 08/12/2007 16:47

DS (20 months) has really started 'pushing it' (sort of) attention wise and I don't know what to do. If he wants a book read, I read it. If he wants to sit on my lap, I let him. But now alot of the time I sit on the sofa and he squeals and squeals and pulls at me until I go into his playroom with him. THen I sit on the floor, and after a minute he wants he to sit next to the toy box/next to him/next to his bricks etc etc. and just tugs and squeals. He used to just do this when he wanted something like a drink, or a toy de-jammed but it's increasing all the time. I don't mind playing with him 24/7, just don't know if I should be saying 'no' yet if he's making me, if that makes sense? It sounds awful but I have resorted to shutting the living room door with some of his toys in here so I can just sit down for 10 minutes (until he squeals/tugs me/pulls at the door handle). What do I do?

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lizandlulu · 08/12/2007 16:56

hiya, im not sure what is the best way to deal wit it, but my dd hate it when i am on the computer, she is 2.1, and pulls at me untill i come away from it. its not like i am on here loads, so i just let her tug and pull for a few minutes till i am ready to move.
maybe you could try leaving it for a bit longer, till you do as he wants?
apart from that i dont really know what to say!

BrandyButterGalore · 08/12/2007 16:59

aw ladyow, ds3, 23m is like this.
buggered if i know the answer tbh!

but thought id sympathise lol.

am trying to read alfie kohn, unconditional parenting, which having skimmed, i agree with. but need to read it properly. and letting go as children grow is another good book. imo.

do you do reading books (on parenting?) i buy a lot. dont read many... lol

TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 08/12/2007 17:42

If it was me I'd tell him that if he is going to squeal I'm not playing, and leave until he was happy to play properly.

Original poster

LadyOfWassail · 08/12/2007 17:52

I don't read parenting books, but I guess I might try the library, thanks. I leave it a while but he gets soooo worked up either giving me earache so I give in or cries and I feel sorry for him and I give in! The hardest part is he doesn't understand alot - like "we aren't playing until you ask nicely/stop squealing" etc., it's the main way he communicates !

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mummymagic · 08/12/2007 18:01

Hey, we have that with our very talkative and 'good' 19mth old dd. In fact, she is probably about to do it in a minute.

I usually say 'let me just type this', you need to wait. and if i am in the right frame of mind I go 'what can you do while you are waiting? can you clap while you are waiting?' and if I am not I get cross and shout oh just WAIT a MINUTE' .

We mostly just go and do it. Cos usually she wants us to see a tower she has made or something. But I do sometimes say 'no, dd, I am sitting here. You can go but I am staying here' And then she gets cross but tends to get the message. not sure why she won't tell us, tried to get her to tell us but just resulted in her saying Mum-MY!! and then pulling me...

Ha, ha

I said she would come and do it. Said 'wait a sec' and She went and did something but is back. Have given her 10 more seconds to wait so better go.

mrsruffallo · 08/12/2007 18:03

I think if you can spend tomorrow being totally at your child's disposal and going with the flow you will both have a fantastic day. Tis the only thing to do at this stage sometimes.

Original poster

LadyOfWassail · 08/12/2007 18:14

What you say to your DD my DS wouldn't understand. He just about gets the word 'no' said firmly, that's it - not 'wait a minute' etc. Up until now I have totally gone with the flow but was scared at this age I am starting to influence his behaviour in a negative way, basically if I just go with it until he is able to understand otherwise bar the word no and ignoring him, will it make him (I don't really mean this word but can't think of a better one) disobedient when he is older? I want to get it right from the start (not birth!) rather than having to correct anything. Does that make any sense??

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TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 08/12/2007 18:23

Lady, he probably would understand if you used those words iyswim.
The first time he'd be like WTF?? but the mroe times you said it the more he'll understand.

mrsruffallo · 08/12/2007 19:03

LadyofWassial, I think I know what you mean
Going with the flow and giving lots of attention at this age really lays great foundations for when children are older- when you will find they gradually play more independently anyway.
When it is necessary to explain that you need some time to do other things the attached child is more likely to respond well to your request rather than feel the need to attention seek.

mummymagic · 09/12/2007 10:08

I am with Mrs Ruffallo here. I don't think there is such a thing as too much (positive) attention! I teach disaffected, excluded teenagers and their disobedience is NEVER because they were given too much attention (rather too little - so they seek it by craving any kind of attention, mostly then the negative NO NO NO). So go with the fun stuff really!

(I do think they have to learn to WAIT sometimes - which is necessary sometimes but really hard for them I think. 'Wait a Minute' isn't v clear at all - the best is to say wait til I have [insert obvious task] - eg finish making the tea etc' or I give her 10 seconds so countdown from 10 to 1 while I finish washing up a plate and when I get to 1 she has my full attention. Have done this since she was about 10 months and it didn't take long for her to get )

misspenguin · 09/12/2007 11:10

There has already been some good advice here but my view is to keep everything in balance. 100% playtime with them doesn't encourage them to explore their own ideas and confidence in their independence. However the more you can be with them and then show them how to play on their own, the more confident they'll get. 20 months is still quite young for some little ones to have enough confidence to play on their own, but if you keep your goal of independent play in mind it will come! Well, it did with my 2 DS's. They both play well on their own, but the elder did take longer to be less clingy!

cory · 10/12/2007 08:37

I totally agree with Misspenguin; it's all in the balance. You want to give him lots of positive attention, but you also need enough space to be able to give it (more or less) ungrudgingly. The age your ds is in is a particularly attention-demanding one. I sometimes used to make extra trips to the loo at that period, just to gain a breathing space....
The thing you need to aim for is to be able to take a few minutes here and there without feeling guilty about it, because guilt breeds irritability, and you don't want the poor lad to live with an irritable mum (at least not all of the time). It doesn't matter if he doesn't understand the words 'wait a minute', say them calmly in the same voice every time, and at least you are telling yourself that you are doing something controlled and legitimate. Eventually he will learn what that phrase does.
My own tendency has always been to talk lots with my children, whether they understand it or not. I believe it helps them to develop their own language.
And one thing you're going to have to let go of- the idea that you can do everything absolutely right so that he will grow up into a perfect child with nothing that needs correction. Are you perfect? Is your dh perfect? Exactly. This boy is going to grow up into an ordinary human being, with the failings and annoying little quirks that human beings have. That is his privilege. The children who grow up into maladjusted criminals are ones that have been grossly neglected or abused; a few minutes of lurking in your own room aren't going to do that.

tryingtoleave · 10/12/2007 11:20

My DS is 17 months, and I don't expect to have much time to myself when he is up. He has a longish nap and that's when I get to relax a bit. Otherwise, I figure my job is spending time with him and I try to do it willingly. I find that if I do sit down on the ground with him and spend a bit of time playing he's often quite happy to continue playing on his own and I can flick through a book. He does get more demanding if I get up to do something for myself.But if I have to do something, like make dinner, and he comes whining at me with a book I say "I just have to get this into the oven and then I'll read to you". So I think it's a matter of deciding when you should be available to dc and when they might have to wait a little bit for you.

KTNoo · 10/12/2007 11:54

I think it depends on so may things - how many children you have, your personality, how much your dc understands etc. My dd3 (21 months) is quite demanding just now and doesn't really understand about waiting. We went through this stage with all 3 of them and it does get better - your ds will get better at doing things on his own and will understand he needs to wait sometimes.

I wouldn't feel bad about not always doing what he asks immediately - life's not always going to be like that! Sometimes you have to get something done and they just have to wait. If I'm cooking or doing homework with one of the others and dd wants something, she gets cross if I don't do it but does give up eventually and go and play so I assume she is learning that lesson already! This morning I even managed to drink a whole cup of coffee with dd demanding I play with Barbies (belonging to older sister at school!). I just kept saying "I'll just drink my coffee then I'll come and play Barbies". She kept saying "Barbies, Barbies" and didn't go away, but she didn't get angry either so that's progress I suppose!

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