Feeling desperately low due to my child's behaviour

[TwittleBee]

Tears are streaming as I write this, I feel utterly shit and so full of shame not being able to cope or know what to do.

My 4 year old son's behaviour has completely drained me this weekend. Since he has started school, his behaviour at home has become unmanageable. I don't know what I can do to help him. His sleep has worsened and he wakes constantly through the night needing me there which is difficult as our 1 year old also wakes frequently for breastfeeds too.

I have ADHD and so wonder if he does too as I see similar traits, especially with sensory processing issues (especially with noise and touch). But school have said he appears to be a completely normal neurotypical 4 year old and everyone else who looks after him also says the same, they say he is a bit wild but well behaved.

I don't want to say he is naughty, he isn't really naughty, he just find everything difficult and I just fail at being prepared to help him avoid those meltdowns.

My family tell me its all my fault (they don't even think I have ADHD), that I am weak and he feeds off my anxiety. They even told me to smack him but I remember that horror of being hit as a child.

I'm so sorry for this complete offload.

I constantly asked teachers about DS & was constantly told he was fine.
Finally a 121 for another pupil approached me and asked if I’d consider a referral for assessment. I could have hugged her.

He never slept, found noise & crowds difficult, had meltdowns. I felt like the worst parent in the world for years because the HV & a number of teachers had said ‘he’s fine’ & made me feel like it was my parenting that made him difficult.

He has ADHD & ASD.

If you suspect that your DS has ADHD then ask school to refer him for assessment.
It’s so tough being made to feeling bad about your own child’s behaviour & doubting your abilities as a parent

Thank you so much for your reply. It really does have me doubting.

I had previously asked his teacher and she said she wants to wait because she doesn't see any of the traits I have listed apart from his speech delay which she believes is the reason for his meltdowns. But I've tried explaining that we understand his communication fine at home, it's the overwhelm and being stuck inside that gets to him.

I'm sorry you've also experienced this, has it got easier since the diagnosis? Is there hope for us if he does get diagnosed?

Im terrified I'm just a crap mum

I have to say in our situation DS was let down time after time by primary & again repeatedly in high school.
Things did improve in primary when he was started on medication for his ADHD but that wasn’t until year 5 (he was referred at the end of year 3 the wait for assessment was v.v long!)
Things were awful in high school as the school itself was pretty awful & we just had never ending battles for support (never put in place, we’d Constantly have to chase up, DS came off meds etc etc) I do wonder how different things would have been if he had been assessed earlier, got help earlier & maybe given a support.

I do think it’s just our area, our CAMHS & lack of funding tbh. All we got was a diagnosis & a prescription & that was it!
Nowhere on MN have I read people having quite the issues re help & (lack of) support that we’ve had.

Maybe it would be worth telling his teacher that you have a diagnosis, as there is a genetic hereditary factor, they may be more keen to refer?

Firstly, lots of sympathy, and whatever your preference is amongst tea/cake/flowers/etc. It's highly unlikely this is just down to your parenting, and if you were 'just a crap mum', you wouldn't be here looking for help.

Is it possible that school/other people think he's 'a bit wild but neurotypical' because he is in fact trying so hard to follow the rules that he then has nothing left when he gets home and loses control?

If you suspect sensory processing difficulties, are there any small adjustments you could make or ask school to try to just remove one or two little niggles, so he has that bit less to deal with? I've often seen this booklet recommended, although I haven't used it myself: www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf

In terms of sleep, is temporarily co-sleeping an option? Everything is so much harder when you're sleep-deprived.

Perhaps also post something in one of the Special Needs topics if you haven't already? The posters there will probably have more direct experience and advice.

hugs Firstly please stick with your instinct and DON'T lay a finger on your child. If he does have attention issues he's already probably going to develop a degree of low self esteem and smacking is only going to reenforce that. I think you know that and I'm preaching to the converted though by the sounds of it If he's doing well at school then that's great! It doesn't totally rule out any issues but it means he's holding his own. What's your typical routine after picking him up from school? Is he simply really tired? I know my 3.5YO os either still napping or tbh is a total nightmare by the end of the day and I can't see her being physically ready for a school day yet so that's a bit scary. I'd guess he's simply really tired especially if he's been working hard all day to regulate himself and concentrate on the work etc. Maybe a gentle trip to the park/a nature spot and cuddles and- dare I say it- a bit of TV and a relaxing bath is what's needed and don't expect too much else on school days. You could even look if there's any online yoga/meditation classes for him to do in the evenings which are bound to help in any case. I think 4 is quite young unless there's really florid signs of ADHD and you may just need to see how school pans out for the next few months. Good luck xx