At my wits end with Ds nearly 9. He Actively chooses to be difficult and annoy us. He enjoys it and has told us so. Over the years we have done many consequences, I am quite strict but he has become immune to this and no longer cares. There is nothing I can take away anymore. On the other hand we praise, give stars, pocket money, little treats for good behaviour but this is short lived. When he's determined to behave in a certain way there is nothing we can do or say to change it. Life is hard work ever single day. He says no to everything, answers back and is rude. Taking things away doesn't make him behave better the next time. He never learns. Rewarding and praising he is happy with at the time, asking about pocket money etc but he doesn't seem to want to earn it with behaviour. When you try and use it as a tool for prolonged good behaviour he's not bothered.
I admit I do let him wind me up and he enjoys it. We both actively try and walk away now and engage with dd and praise dd instead. When we do this though he wants to get the attention bank into him by comparing himself. But this doesn't make him change his behaviour to get the praise, rewards his sister gets. He doesn't see himself as having caused the consequences it's all us being mean to him. He argues black is white if he thought he could win.
At lot of the time parenting is down to me and there are times when I can't ignore him. Teeth needs to be cleaned, baths and homework and getting out the house. These things become hard work as he refuses. He doesn't accept things he doesn't want to do need to be done. But then we get into this continuous argument. He's not like this at school and so I know it is attention seeking and I ignore where I can. He's the kind of child who will do something purposely, looking you in the eye, when you have just told him not to several times.
He has emotional difficulties and underneath it all I think he's a scared little boy. His reactions to things aren't normal for a 9 year old. He doesn't want to do much, has tears, whining and tantrums which most nearly 9 year olds don't do anymore. He's started to do it with friends and family and it's embarrassing. We try to make him feel secure with cuddles, kisses and reassurance. It's so hard to do this though when he makes it so difficult to be around him. He is seeing a therapist which is helping him deal with his emotions and he's snaps out of these tantrums much quicker and is better at going out etc. But it hasn't helped his overall attitude or defiance. He likes being this way.