Hi there's a bit of background here so apologies for the level of detail...
We have recently welcomed our DS who is 14 weeks old and we already have a DD who will turn 6 next month. DD is intelligent, kind, funny, sweet and we absolutely adore her however, I feel like she's changed since DS came along and I'm worried about her.
Myself and DH have very little support in terms of friends and family and have always had to do things alone so we've always had an extremely close bond with our DD and other than school friends, she spends all her time with us. This was all fine until DS was born. Prior to having him, we were completely aware that she may struggle adjusting a little but I don't think we expected just how much.
Unfortunately prior to having DS, I had two miscarriages, one of which was a suspected molar pregnancy which I required a D&C and lots of follow up. I mention this because at the time, we were in lockdown, the schools were shut (DD was in pre school at the time) and like the rest of the world, it was a struggle. As she was with us 24/7 she witnessed me bleeding, upset and in pain during the miscarriages/ D&C recovery and although I tried to shield her from these experiences as much as I could; she was fully aware that something wasn't right with me and she was upset and worried (we told her I had a bad tummy that needed fixing 😞).
Fast forward to end of 2020; I'm pregnant again, DD is back at school (reception) and things are looking up- she seems her usual self and the past experiences all seem a distant bad memory... but then the pregnancy started to affect her. I had hyperemesis gravidarum, a low lying placenta, gestational diabetes, pelvic girdle pain and just generally struggling to function carrying a larger than expected baby and feeling so sick. She was ok- ish but it was getting to her that I wasn't able to do the things that I used to do with her and I was in and out of hospital a lot. Although she'd get upset at times, her personality didn't seem to change too much thankfully and we reassured her that things would be better once the baby arrived (as we genuinely thought they would because I was so ill during the pregnancy).
I then had DS via elective c section, and we had no choice but to leave DD with her grandparents of whom she barely sees; for a full evening at our home, and again a couple of times after when DH had to take me to a few hospital appointments as I could not drive. This probably seems all normal to most people but DD was very upset as she'd never been left alone with them.
We then dealt with the usual struggles that can come with a newborn but those first few difficult weeks coincided with DDs summer holidays off school so she was with us 24/7 again, witnessing it all (me unable to move and in pain after c section, DH struggling to do everything else by himself, me struggling and in pain with breastfeeding, baby screaming for hours on end with colic and none of us getting much sleep including DD).
DD is now back at school (y1), DS is starting to settle now (colic gone, BF fully established, less crying, more sleep ect.) but I feel like we've somehow lost our DD along the way.
Since DS' birth she's been having angry outbursts, shouting at us, saying she hates us, wants a different mummy and daddy, getting upset a lot, not doing as she's asked, purposely waking the baby and she's even hit (gently) DH a few times and I'm so worried about her. We've tried to deal with the situation as best we can by responding to anger with calmness, responding to outbursts with love and affection, reassuring her that it's ok to say and do things we don't mean sometimes as long as we're sorry (she gets so upset and remorseful after saying/ doing mean things), we try to give her 1:1 time both together and individually (especially with me as she's felt left out more with me as I'm BF DS so much), nice days outs, trying to do things she likes/ chooses, involving her with looking after DS etc. but the behaviour still remains. It's not all the time, just once or twice throughout the day and then she's ok again and she's particularly bad when she gets home from a full day at school so I think a little bit of tiredness is affecting things.
It sounds ridiculous but sometimes I find myself looking through old pictures and videos of her almost as though I'm grieving a lost child 😞 we always wanted another DC ourselves and for her too as we always thought that she would benefit from a sibling but sometimes I worry that we've gained a child and lost a child in the process.
Is this normal? Do others feel the same? Has anyone else experienced this when a sibling has came along? Have we ruined her for life? 😩 any hints/ tips on how to deal with this?
I will add also that we're fully aware of the fact that she lacks meaningful relationships with other people other than her parents . My parents/ family live quite far away and do see DD from time to time and she enjoys their company but has never been alone with them. DH's parents live 10 mins away and have no other grandchildren but make very little effort. This has been an ongoing issue and DH has made attempts to improve the relationship when DD was younger and also during my subsequent pregnancies. We trust that she's safe with them, and they offer help 'in an emergency' but that's no good if an emergency doesn't happen for 5 years and then expect DD to be comfortable with them when we need them. We actually anticipated that this would happen and tried to encourage time alone with our DD and told them we'd likely need them when I was having the baby but nothing really changed. We just don't understand how they're only happy seeing their grandchildren on a 'need' basis, rather than a 'want' basis. But anyway, we know that this has added to the problem because instead of DD having a support network of family around that she could have been left with when we've needed help, she's instead been left to whiteness our struggles and has to go with them when she wasn't comfortable. Has anyone else experienced this and how did you cope? We coped ok alone until DS was born but didn't quite realise how much we'd need someone once we had another, it's been a real eye opener and the main reason we won't be having DC3, as we wouldn't want to put DD through it again (and DS of course).
I'm not saying that DD's behaviour is because of her grandparents at all, I'm just adding that we're fully aware that it's not entirely healthy for a child to spend all their time outside school with just their parents but we have little control over that 🙄 we are however quite social and have been trying to build relationships with parents of our DDs friends and this has been quite successful and we've managed to have quite a few play dates out of it which is great, but at the same time we don't want to leave DD with friends parents just yet (although we've known them for a few years now and do trust them) as the timing of it wouldn't be great just now after her already feeling pushed out 😟
Sorry for rambling on so much! So desperate for some reassurance that DD will be ok and any hints/ tops would be greatly appreciated both on the subject of sibling arrival and lack of family support and how people deal with this thanks 😊 x