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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Crying - do all mums except me recognise a different one for each need???

29 replies

EvangelinesMum · 05/12/2007 11:52

My DD is 8mo now but I still struggle to know what she wants when she cries. It seems other mums know by the type of crying what their LO's want but all DDs crying sounds the same to me!
Am I alone in this? Should I really know the difference by now? Its just trial and error for me most days.

OP posts:

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phdlifeneedsanewlife · 05/12/2007 11:57

hi EvangelinesMum, long time no see (we met on blw threads!)

if it's any consolation, I can only tell the different temper from his cries: whether he is frustrated, sad, angry - that's all.

I usually figure out WHY he's crying by where we are at the time, and in the day: how long ago he slept, ate, pooed; how far away his toys are ; is he grabbing his face/ear (=teeth); does he want me instead of his father; is it bedtime; is he fed up with his highchair; does he have food stuck in his gob; etc.

for this reason I really bloody struggle with his new thing of crying in the night: can never figure out what that's about!

someone really should write a manual for these creatures.

witchandchips · 05/12/2007 11:57

Think it is a bit like fortune telling, you don't understand the cry in of itself but you learn (sometimes) what works to make things better from context. One of ds favourite cries (now he is talking) is "mumma i want something" "what darling?" "i don't know" (burst into tears). So it just has to be guess work doen't it?

yaddayule · 05/12/2007 11:58

No I could never work it out either.. I still can't in a crowded room work out if its my dd (now 3!) crying or someone elses.

madness · 05/12/2007 12:02

I have also often wondered about this.Never had/have an idea, would just try feeding, sleeping etc till they stopped (or not).

phdlifeneedsanewlife · 05/12/2007 12:03

lol witchandchips - bless, I remember my best friend's ds (now 13) doing that...

Kathyis6incheshigh · 05/12/2007 12:04

It's a bit hit and miss for me.

However, when dd (my first baby) was new and had been home less than a day, I was talking to my mum on the phone and dd started crying.
My mum said, 'Oh, she's hungry.'
I said, 'But she can't be - I've only just fed her.'
Mum said, 'It sounds like a hungry cry to me - it's sort of relentless.'

And of course she was spot on.

coldtits · 05/12/2007 12:05

My ds1 was easy to read - ds2 is a mystery to this day. You may just have a hard-to-read baby! not your fault, we have been raising children for millenia before notions of 'Knowing their cries' was fashionable. Just keep trying things until you get it right, that's what I do.

blueshoes · 05/12/2007 12:15

Nope, could never tell for both of mine.

Both went from 'eh' into screaming siren in seconds, if they did not get want it was they wanted at that point - this is even if they did not know what they wanted, which happens frequently.

I assume babies with readable cries are overall more mild than mine. With a slow escalation if needs are not met.

Also, why this passion about reading cries (must be that Baby Whisperer)? Surely the CONTEXT is more important than the actual sound of the cry? As coldtits said, mothers have got on with it for millenia without having the ability to tell from just using your EARS (as opposed to sight, touch, body language etc) what it is a baby wants.

ImBarryScott · 05/12/2007 12:16

I've not a clue about different cries, pain aside, and my DD is 9mo.

Like PhD, I rely on context - when she last ate/drank, how warm it is, eyes rubbing if tired. Otherwise, DD is something of an enigma.

lisalisa · 05/12/2007 12:27

Message withdrawn

jelliebelly · 05/12/2007 12:29

It is v.difficult to distinguish for most people - the only way I got there was to have a mental checklist - when did I last feed him? how long since his last sleep? is his nappy wet/dirty? has he got a temperature? until eventually more by luck or judgement you hit on the right answer...

HollyBerrie · 05/12/2007 12:37

I couldn't tell with my first and didn't realise anything had changed with my second until I was behind a baby at the checkout which was screaming. The Mum was saying she thought it must be tired and I remember thinking, no it's hungry.

ceebee74 · 05/12/2007 12:38

Nope - sounds about right to me. I have been very lucky in that DS (now 17 months) has never cried very much at all so when he did/does cry properly (instead of that whingy cry they do) me and DH tend to look at each other in a clueless manner as we have no idea what to do! And then we just go through all the things we think it might be until we get there.

Bink · 05/12/2007 12:42

Agree that there are "readable" babies and those not so.

And here is a theory, based on my laughably narrow experience of one (1) unreadable inscrutable baby (ds, now 8) and one (1) transparent unmistakable baby (dd, now 7): readability directly reflects that baby's (and future person's) innate ability to Know What It Wants.

Thus my readable child has become one who can say "I'm crying because I'm just so so tired", and my inscrutable one still gets into wound-up emotional muddles and has to be helped to untangle.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 05/12/2007 12:44

Good theory Bink.

Louandben · 05/12/2007 12:46

I was never convinced about different cries either, with the exception of when DS was in pain (same as now, when he is 2.3).

I think most of the "knowing a cry" comes from knowing the baby so well and its routine, so if it is his lunchtime he is probably hungry, hasnt slept for ages, tired etc. Logical really - although not 100% accurate!

I was frequently told that my DS was crying because he was tired, but i knew he got much grumpier when hungry than when tired and that was most often the reason. Give it time, you will realise one day, like HollyBerrie, that you understand more than you ever thought you would.

Prunie · 05/12/2007 12:49

Oh I never could figure out ds
He was not a "difficult" baby and sooner or later we would work out what he needed.
Nowadays (he's 4) I can more or less solve all his whinging needs with a bit of food shoved in his hand. Tantrums otoh - well he's a mystery!

duchesse · 05/12/2007 12:51

I can just about tell the difference between grizzly I'm-so-tired-don't-know-what-to-with-myself crying, and genuine distress, and I've had three babies. I am certain that you could tell the difference between those two, and they're the only ones that really matter. As long as you can tell when there's something really wrong, no need to worry. If your baby wants to communicate with you, she can start talking, instead of you learning her individual cries. Makes more sense since she has to eventually anyway.

Original poster

EvangelinesMum · 05/12/2007 12:54

Thanks everyone, seems its not just me then! I think at the mo it could be teeth too just to throw another element into the mix! I'll keep going as I am then; trying everything until she stops!
Hi PHDlife - hope the BLW is going well, we are doing fab here, 3 meals a day and eating well. She is going to be weighed today for 3rd time since we started so hopefully still putting on. xx

OP posts:

meglet · 05/12/2007 13:00

evangelinesmum. I didn't have a clue for ages either. Just tried everything in the hope it would calm DS down.

blueshoes · 05/12/2007 14:28

I think you could be on to something, Bink.

My interpretation is that 'readability' could also be a function of temperament. My dd is only 4 so her personality is not as formed - but it is clear from babyhood that she was one stubborn, thickskinned, persistent madam, who is like a Rottweiler in never letting go once she has set her mind on something - which is all the time.

ds is only 1 but he is also very vocal about what he wants and wants it NOW! Not easily distracted either. And quickly goes into tantrum mode.

Charming, eh!

BeeWiseMen · 05/12/2007 14:47

this all makes me feel so much better and makes a lot of sense too. DD is 5 1/2 months and most of the time I'm clueless what she wants. Now I think about it though I think a lot of the time she doesn't know what she wants.

DD has several cries but they all mean the same thing "Something is wrong! Something is wrong!I don't know what it is but fix it. NOW!"

Except the pain cry - that is different.

IsawBUMPERkissingsantaclaus · 05/12/2007 15:10

You all need this

Seriously though, I hate it when people say "oh you must know what she wants, you'll know what that cry means" and I always thing NO, I don't - should I? I must be a bad mum!

The number of times I've though "god why is she crying?" trying to distract her only to realise she had a pooey nappy, or said "she can't be hungry" only for her to ravage my breast like she hasn't been fed for a week!

Anchovy · 05/12/2007 15:38

Its funny because this was one of those things that I thought everyone else understood except for me and that if I only tried hard enough I could unlock.

I think I just got more confident in doing things that made them more settled. I also think sometimes they cry for no real reason whatsoever. (Plus Ds used to positively luxuriate in a nice warm dirty nappy - never a whimper there).

Mine did do recognisable "tired" crying, but only from about 4/5 months onwards.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 05/12/2007 21:35

I read about Dunstan Baby Language before ds was born, which claims that "across cultures and linguistic groups there are five sounds, each with a meaning, that are used by infants during the beginning of the language acquisition period. Between 0-3 months infants make what Dunstan calls sound reflexes.

"According to Dunstan, these sound reflexes are preemptive cries that occur before the infant breaks into what she calls the hysterical cry. Dunstan claims that these preemptive cries can indicate what the infant requires (e.g. food, comfort, sleep, etc.) and elevate to the hysterical cry if they are not answered. As the infant matures past 3 months in vocalization, the sound reflexes become replaced with more elaborate babbling.

According to Dunstan, the five universal words (or sound reflexes) used by infants are:

Neh

I'm hungry - An infant uses the sound reflex "Neh" to communicate their hunger. The sound is produced when the tongue is pushed up on the roof of the mouth and the sucking reflex is triggered.

Owh

I'm sleepy - An infant uses the sound reflex "Owh" to communicate that they are tired. The sound is produced much like an audible yawn.

Heh

I'm experiencing discomfort - An infant uses the sound reflex "Heh" to communicate stress, discomfort, or perhaps that they need a fresh diaper. The sound is produced by a response to a skin reflex, such as feeling sweat or itchiness in the bum.

Eairh

I have lower gas - An infant uses the sound reflex "Eairh" to communicate they have flatulence or an upset stomach. The sound is produced when trapped air from a belch that is unable to release and travels to the stomach where the muscles of the intestine tighten to force the air bubble out.

I need to burp - An infant uses the sound reflex "Eh" to communicate that they need to be burped. The sound is produced when a large bubble of trapped air is caught in the chest and is trying to release out of the mouth.

----

I don't know about all of them, but my ds had a very distinct "neh" when he was hungry, and it helped a lot to be able to identify at least one of his cries. Now he's older (4 months) it's a lot less reliable, but he's still fairly easy to read because he chews his hands when he's hungry, yawns when he's tired, and doesn't seem to mind sitting in poo, so we have to sniff test him!

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