My 3 year olds BIG emotions.. struggling

[bandbaby86]

My daughter is such a little love when she's happy but my god when she is mad or wants her own way she is vocal about it. I'm not talking just a bit of whining and then stopping when told no, full on screaming tantrums. I understand this is part of learning and she can't control her emotions yet but I can't seem to control her when she's like this and I've noticed she seems to be way harder to calm from this behaviour than any of my friends or families kids.

I feel like I've tried everything, gentle parenting, sticker charts etc. Sometimes I even deal with it terribly and shout back or tell her she is horrible especially if she has just been hysterically screaming infront of friends or family and I'm embarrassed and cross, and then feel so guilty after it's all over and I've dealt with it badly.

I love her so much and I want to help her not act like this, it can't be nice for her either and I just don't want to mess her up when she's older with the way I deal with it. I have a baby too so sleep deprivation doesn't always help when it comes to my patience.

I know that a lot of gentle parenting approaches tell you to offer a cuddle and love etc but I feel like I'm rewarding the behaviour sometimes and she won't learn. Even when I talk to her calmly about it after, just seems like she's got away with being really naughty. She does always say sorry after but still...

I'd just love some advice without judgment, feeling quite down after a massive outburst in public in front of friends from her :(

She's not being naughty. It's not a choice. No-one chooses to be so upset they lose all control and lie on the floor screaming. You need to re-frame that in your mind. She's not 'getting away with anything'.

In terms of dealing with it, it varies from child to child in my experience. Some need space to calm down and others need company. Offer what you think she needs. But don't try threats/bribery or reasoning with her when she's lost control; it won't work and will likely make things worse.

When she's calm either after an outburst or at anytime talk to her about big feelings. Ask her for her ideas about how she can deal with the differently/how you can help her to manage them. Teach her some management techniques (counting to ten, screaming into a pillow, taking herself away for quiet time), make her a calm down jar, do some mindfulness activities. Make sure she has the language to communicate her feelings (worried/frustrated/nervous etc) so she can start to pre-warn you when a tantrum is threatening.

Make sure you listen to her (what she says and what her behaviour is telling you). So, for example if you have a playdate booked with friends, but you know she's under the weather and is on a short fuse, cancel. Don't put her in a situation that is only going to end one way because you're too polite infront of family and friends.

She will get a better grip on her emotions as she gets older so to an extent she will just grow out of it.

@NuffSaidSam thank you for your advice!

I find it helps to think of it more like an adult getting so upset about something they cry – when an adult is that upset, we tend to offer them sympathy, even if we can't or don't want to change what they are upset about. I try to do the same with my toddler – sympathise with how she's feeling, but not 'give in', i.e., change what's going to happen.

'I know you're having lots of fun playing on the swing, and I see you're sad/angry/etc. that we have to stop, but we need to go home for lunch now', and I'll give her a cuddle if that helps her manage her emotions – but we're leaving the park and going home. She's not getting her way, she's just getting some support to manage her emotions until she learns to manage them more herself.

I find having a bit of a formula for what I say helps with the patience and sleep deprivation side of it, less thinking on the spot required.