how long will it take......

[flowerpotty]

....to turn my dd2 (34 months) into a reasonable human being?
She is such hard work, and I always have to tell her to do (or stop doing) things about five times. I often end up shouting at her, even though I try not to because I think it contributes to her aggressive manner at home. She shouts at me and her older sister all the time, and screams and shouts every time something doesn't go her way. Dd 1 is a really kind girl, and ends up giving in to her sister all the time because she can't cope with the tantrums.
I use lots of strategies to get her to do things..counting to five before i make her sit on the stairs or miss out on a treat.
I usually get her to do things in the end, but it is all really hard work and days feel like one long battle.
On a positive note, I know that dd2 is good at playgroup, great with other kids. She is very funny, bright...just a huge personality. I just really worry that if I don't get it right at this stage, she will be even harder to handle when she is older. Dd1 is completely different, so sometimes I feel completely inexperienced with all these tantrums.
I would be really grateful for any words of advice or reassurance.

no words of advice, but thought it might make u feel better to know that i could of written your post everything is exactly the same and i also worrya bout the future if i dont "do something" now, but its easier said then done isnt it, homelife is sheer hell because dd and ds (who like ur dd is very sensitive and no trouble whatsoever) fight ALL the time and its sooooooo draining, they cant be left in the same room together for more than 2 minutes seriously, like i say, no answers, just sympathy.

flower I recognise my ds in that phrase 'a huge personality' - and I sympathise. Children like this ARE really hard work and it must be really hard when you've had a more compliant older child.

i think with kids like your dd2 it's about using imaginative ideas, and basically to avoid power struggles at all costs! Really, really pick your battles and let loads of things go if you can. As you say, she will reflect back any shouting right at you so you are just shooting yourself in the foot if you allow yourself to (understandably!) yell at her. When you ask her to do something, make sure you are in her sightline and don't just ask her straight, try and make it into a game or race or challenge....when you ask her not to do something, don't just expect compliance, get her straight on to something else if you can, distract her etc.

This stuff worked with my ds. And another MAJOR thing is not to project this stuff to the future. You don't have to put pressure on yourself to 'GET IT SORTED' now or risk having this forever; she won't be 34 months old forever!!! I agree that she can't get her own way all the time but if you give her clear boundaries applied with constistency, and role model to her how you want her to talk to everyone else, she WILL get there in time.

Thanks for your messages. It helps to just share my concerns and know that other mums have got through this in one piece. I will try a bit more imagination today...until I get exhausted anyway!