Any child psychologists out there....what does it mean when......................

[mimimilk]

your son who is 13mo has never EVER cried or seemed in any way worried when you left him in someone elses care? In fact seems indifferent! He has been going to nursery since 5.5mo and most days literally doesn't give me a backward glance lol! He always smiles when I go to pick him up and now he can toddle he sometimes makes his way over to me but even then he is often quite keen to stay and play with the toys. He is developing normally in every way so dont think theres anything actually wrong with HIM.

Please don't get me wrong, I am very grateful that there is no distress/upset as I know lots of mums and babes do have this at times but I am wondering if maybe he isn't well 'attached to me or something.

Have just watched the programme 'help me love my baby' and apparently babies who are securely attached are supposed to show upset when left etc etc.

To be honest its left me wondering if I am mising something. I love my Ds to bits and have since he was born but maybe I'm not that great a mum?!

Not a psychologist but it sounds as thought your son is well balanced, confident and very happy.

which means.........

You ARE a good mum!!

I'd say he's a very secure confident baby who knows you will always come back for him so doesn't cry or cling on etc.

My DS is like this, he's now nearly five and is basically just very secure and doesn't mind me not being with him all the time, but there are certain things that only mummy will do for, like if he's hurt or sleepy etc., or climbing into my bed in the night to snuggle up to me.

If he's bonded with you, gives you eye contact and needs you when he needs comforting (like when he falls and hurts himself) then I wouldn't worry.

oh yeah, not a psychologist either but my mu's a child psychologist

Agree, you ARE a good mum!

he sounds securely attached tbh.

My eldest DD was like this right up until she went secondary school, then it hit US both really hard.

I was used to her not being distressed etc and there were certain days when I had to forcibly take DD to school and leave her there sobbing - Don't leave me Mum, please don't leave me! (heart breaking after 11 yrs of not being worried about being left etc!)

All the time DS is happy then do not worry, just enjoy it, because when they are unhappy, boy do you know it!

enjoy it because this WAS my ds2. he was always quite happy to be left and happy to be with other people, wasn't always that desperate to come to me for a hug and so on.

well....i say WAS. That all changed at about 17 months (he's nearly 2 now) and now it's "Mummy, mummy"....NO one else is allowed to hold him, push the buggy when he's in it, hold his hand, take him to bed or anything if I am anywhere to be seen. He is a giant leech. When i leave he has a meltdown. He's fine once i've actually gone, but when I come back I just about get knocked over in his glee to see me. Which I really enjoy too....

Some children don't get seperation anxiety till much later on. He sounds like he feels quite secure which is great, but I'm sure at some point he'll become a right mummy's boy! You're not doing anything wrong - all children are different

DS1 and DS2 (particularly DS2) were both like this, and DS3 is now (at 6 months old) starting to show signs of being the same.

DS1 is now 7, DS2 4 and both very happy to be left without anyone at short notice. A few weeks ago we had to take DS3 to the hospital for the day so I rang a friend and asked if she could have both the older DS's after school - until whenever we got back. She was more than willing, but a little concerned as DS1 has only met her once or twice (at church and only then in passing, and DS2 had only ever seen her at church or nursery gates - they'd NEVER been to her house). But they were absolutely fine and it was a relief to know that there weren't going to be tears because we weren't there.

It's been wonderful with school/nursery when they've started just being able to drop them off and not have to worry about having tears about me leaving.

hi your child doing that means they feel completely attached to you and secure enough to know you wouldnt leave them in any danger you should feel proud!!! zoe hicks xxx

Hi mimi,

after the programme last night I wondered exactly the same thing as you and started getting stressed about why ds he wasn't showing separation anxiety at nursery and clingy behaviour around others. He's almost 10 months.

Almost had myself convinced I am a bad mother for even sending him to nursery after the programme, but now trying to tell myself he's a happy, well adjusted boy, and that responding when he cries, being there for him, showing him lots of love etc etc from the beginning have helped him become secure in being with others..at the moment anyway

I would agree with everyone above and enjoy it as well. He has been going to nursery for the whole time that he can remember and it is as familiar to him as you and home.

My dd now 4 has never ever got upset being seperated from me but nearly 2 year old ds is the polar opposite, I cannot even go to the loo without him crying or coming after me.

Hi Mimimilk,

I am a clinical psychologist and whilst I have not met you and your son, can I just reassure you not to worry; he sounds like a happy, confident little man! I did not see the programme that you refer to but I presume they are referring to the attachment literature, based on the work of psychologist Mary Ainsworth and colleagues. The categories devised (anxious/avoidant; secure; anxious/ambivolent; disorganised) are the result of 'typical' reactions noted of children studied in an artificial testing environment called 'The Strange Situation'. The strange sitution is mainly used as a research tool, where it can be designed and implemented rigorously to prevent confounding variables giving biased results. One would not come to such judgements on your son's reaction at being left at nursery. He has been attending from an early age and is obviously used to his caregivers and is happy in his environment.

I am in mixed mind as to whether all the psychology which is now used in the media is actually benefitting parents or not. Often research is misquoted for effective soundbites, with no effort put into explaining the whole picture. This can be incredibly worrying for parents who I believe are trying their hardest at doing a bloody difficult job. My only advice to you is to relax into your parenting; YOU are the expert on your own child. Let him be your guide as to how he is feeling - if he seems generally happy within himself and seeks comfort from you when he needs it then you have nothing to worry about. If anything, I would be relieved that he has settled into nursery so well; he clearly feels happy, safe and stimulated there. You sound like a great mum so relax and enjoy this time. Good luck!

Thank you for the replies!

I amm suitably reassured! Sometimes it seems like there is a problem waiting round every corner. Its so difficult to know (esp. being first time mum) whether things are going well for your child. There seem so many mixed messages out there too!

hought the 'Help me love my baby' was good in lots of ways, it really highlighted how utterly good mother/child relationship is in dveloping well later in life. I am lucky in that I haven't suffered PND but know someone who has and it nearly destroyed her, luckily she got help and all is well now (she's a great mum).

On the other hand, I wonder if you are right MrsHenry, in that the programme makers obviously want compelling viewing and the therapists are expected to 'come up with' cut and dried statements/ analyses, I work in the mental health field (not psychology tho!) and find things are often quite messy and not easy to interpret at all. When the filmakers showed the little girl throwing herself onto her back when her mother returned to the room, I thought there could be lots of eays to interpret that, my little lad does that when he is tired and I've seen lots of otherchildren do it out of frustration in supermarkets lol!!

sorry utterly should have read 'utterly crucial....'

You're absolutely right. Child behaviour is never clearcut; and there are numerous ways to interpret things. Within attachment theory the research seems to change direction every few years - at first very anti care-giving in a nursery environment; then saying it is better for their social and intellectual development; then swinging back again saying at home is better. We do have training to help us handle the media, but it is so easy for professionals to be misquoted or quotes taken out of context. The attachment literature is HUGE, and of course I appreciate there is no way a TV programme could cover all angles. But as a psychologist myself, I just feel that the whole genre has become too populised in the media, and programme makers should be a bit more careful in terms of what they are implying or speculating, precisely because of the effect these programmes can have on parents who are drowning under the sheer weight of parenting advice out there.

You really just need to take all that you read and see with a pinch of salt - use what you have heard to reflect and explore other perspectives but do not worry unduly; at the end of the day, it is your child and your life and if you think things through carefully you will always come to a decision that is the right one for you and your family at this time.

so my programme was a bad thing ?

I think mrshenry makes a valid point, but I don't think zoena's programme falls into that category. Any programme that encourages mums going through the hell of PND to seek help without worrying about stigmatising is a Good Thing in my book.

I watched your prog, zoena, and wish you and your daughters all the best. Thank you for what you did.

And yes, agree with all the other posters that minimilk's nipper is demonstrating classic secure attachment.

Hi Zoena,

No I can make no judgement on whether your programme was a 'good' or 'bad' thing; as I said in my original post I did not see the programme. What I was talking about was a much more general point about the whole psychology in media genre, rather than any specific programme.