How do you teach a teenager empathy

[Snowwhite78]

In short... I have too much to the point I feel EVERYTHING. STBXH has none and going through a bitter separation. STBXH has no emotional intelligence and I'm seeing the same in my 14 year old DS.

The upside is I now have more room to co-parent in the way I feel will help DS with his empathy and emotional intelligence being nowhere near my STBXH in the foreseeable (me I mean). I do not want my DS to grow up not understanding other people's feelings like his DF.

14 year old DS very closed and almost oblivious to how hurtful he can be. How do I help him with this? I don't want him to feel like I'm always nitpicking and I want to handle it carefully so he does not feel like he is less than as a person.

Any of you wonderful ladies have any advice?

Yep. Do the opposite of what you want to do. Notice everything he does that is even halfway pro-social, and reinforce it with compliments and praise. If you manage to nag him into, I dunno, clearing the table, then thank him and tell him how helpful he is, and how much you appreciate being able to put your jigsaw puzzle out. And do that in a warm voice and with no backhanders about how much nicer it would be if you didn't have to nag.

How you respond to hurtful behaviour depends on what the behaviour is. Being closed and not expressing sympathy is one thing. I wouldn't expect expressions of sympathy from a teenager, be delighted if you get one but the best way to train him into it is to express sympathy tto him yourself. If he is saying unkind things then that is different, you may need to point out that it was unkind but in a fairly neutral way if he has low empathy - you are telling him something useful, rather than expressing your own unhappiness at what he said.

Also be careful about not projecting your STBX onto your DS. They are different people and they may have very different feelings and reasons behind things they say and do.

Oh and one other (difficult!) thing - don't expect too much from DS and try not to be over-sensitiveto his hurtful behaviour. DS will also have suffered from this bitter separation, though maybe in diferent ways from you. The more touchy and over-reactive you are the more DS will withdraw to protect himself. It's a balance.

You might want to get some support for yourself if this separation has really made you hyper-sensitive.

That's a tough one at the best of times. I second the suggestion of seeking outside support if you can, for both of you.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay Yes agree shouldn't let my own feelings show. It's tough but it will only make him feel guilt and as you say... push him away and clam him up. I've definitely caught myself overcompensating as I desperately want him to come out of this situation unscathed. STBXH is verging on parental alienation but as it's subtle I can't do much about it. All I can look forward to is alone time with DS once STBXH moves out.

@BlueChampagne I've very tentatively broached the subject of counselling with DS but he has his dads attitude that anyone who needs counselling is 'sick and broken'

DS but he has his dads attitude that anyone who needs counselling is 'sick and broken'

If DS wont join you then you can demonstrate your strength and wholeness to him by getting some support just for yourself. Don't allow your ex to dominate the narrative and control you through DS. Counselling just for yourself can give you a safe space to become stronger in yourself, and it can also help you to manage your interactions with your ex, and find ways to interact with your DS in a positive way.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay Thank you 🙏 Yes I have actually recently starting counselling and it is a big help. Should've done it years ago and would have been able to set boundaries when I needed them. But as you say it will help me with my interaction with DS and that's my focus right now x