coping badly with 3.5 year old aggression - please help!

[shelbel]

DP has just put DS to bed and this followed a huge battle as he wanted to watch tv first. He's thrown the remote control at me - has run at and punched myself and DP - scratches and bites, screams in your face - blows rasberries in your face, name calls. Much of the time he is a real joy but just seems to switch into this wild child often when you need him to do something he doesn't want to do over something he wants We do give him a warning that his tea will be in 10 minutes/bedtime soon etc.. We've always used the naughty step and use the pasta jar to reward good behaviour but his rages seem to be getting worse and he's throwing whatever comes to hand at the door, runs off upstairs and thinks its a game to be chased - I sometimes think using the naughty step drags out the confrontation. Whatever toys we might take away makes no difference to him when in this mood. The defiance of it all is getting me increasingly angry and I know our responses are not helping at all as we try to regain some control of the situation. He goes to nursery and I've never had one report of him behaving in this way. I know its about us but I just don't know what to try to change the behaviour.

Routine and consistancy is the key, you can't take toys off him one day, naughty step the next etc it needs to be one punishment and one reward.

I would use naughty step (in my care I use the bottom of the hall as there is nothing to look at no toys no audience just very boring and theres a stair gate at the bottom of the stairs so they can't go anywhere if they come out into the living room i take them back again. For reward I would use stickers, one for morning, one fore early afternoon and one for late afternoon, 3yr olds don't really understand consequences used later on, so won't know that if he is good he gets pasta and then get a treat at the end of the week or day. You could make up a chart for the stickers if you like but i would just carry them round so you cna use them everywhere you go (just stick them to his top)

Bedtime is bath at 6.30 story at 6.50 lights out and sleep at 7pm and every time he comes out put him back and ignore any behaviour he will soon get bored and give up, it might take you a few days of sitting outside the door so you get him every single time but if you take it in turns and ignore everything he will give in.

You have to stick to it though, give in once and you will have to start all over again from the beginning!