My 3yo son is out of control

[Mothership6]

I am really struggling with my DS, he is 3.5 and completely out of my control. I have 2 other children (2 & 10) and he is having such an impact on them too.

I've always had concerns about his behaviour but always felt brushed off by professionals, at my youngests 6 week check I voiced my concerns to the doctor who said I should try a parenting class. Needless to say I was an emotional wreck afterwards and just got on with things.

Fast forward 2 years and things are no different. I love the bones off him, I really do, he is an amazing little boy with some great qualities, he is funny, cheeky, chatty, loving etc, but everyday is a battle.

He is defiant, destructive and constantly on the go. He eats non food items such as crayons, books, wooden toys, sticks and the ends of plastic toys. He has no fear and is forever climbing or jumping on the sofa. The lack of fear paired with the defiance means he can end up in dangerous situations, such as unbuckling his seatbelt whilst driving or attempting to open and climb out of a window. He also has a tendency to run off, so I find taking all of my children out alone a challenge in itself and can end up very flustered and embarrassed. I mostly put it off until another adult can join us. He also gets very angry, he will grind his teeth, shake his fists and hit out at everyone, especially his sisters.

Nothing I do to modify his behaviour makes a difference, I am so positive of all the good things he does and always try to be consistent. I let the small things go and give him plenty of choices. We have an abundance of reward charts and stickers and mainly use time out as discipline. Although alot of the time he will just kick and hit me whilst I am trying to put him in time out.

I actually have a degree in child development, which is laughable because he leaves me feeling like the worst parent in the world.

I really am at the end of my tether and have no idea how to discipline him effectively as he just repeats the unwanted behaviour over and over again? Time out just doesn't work, what else can I do?

Given your degree I am guessing you might have noticed if anything was unusual about his development as a baby. Was everything on track?

Clearly not your parenting. Especially when u have two others to prove otherwise. We got told about the parenting BS on more than one occasion. We still do despite having secured a diagnosis.

We found our health visitor quite helpful, but we had to chase her. That was in terms of getting him referred to the right places. She still suggested parenting styles to us.

Second child round, the health visitor is useless. So I'm going around the houses and completing self referrals where I can and going through the GP.

Could you try any of these routes? Xxx

I think you need to push for a referral to get to the bottom of this

Nothing major but he was an extremely fussy baby. He cheered up a bit at around 10 months once he could walk and get around. He didn't talk til he was around 2.5 and some people still struggle to understand him now (we all understand him fine). I did also notice that he never 'played' as such, toys never really appealed to him and it's only very recently that he will engage in anything for longer than 30 seconds. The only thing that holds his attention is sensory play or the TV. But even when he watches TV he jumps on the sofa or swings his legs off the edge repeatedly kicking it.

My 10 year old really struggles with his behaviour, I think he causes her to feel quite anxious, especially when we are out. I can see her panic if he runs too far ahead or if he is climbing high on a park etc, I have tried to reassure her but it is difficult as I am sure she can pick up on how I am feeling too. I do try and put space between them when I can, but it is not easy.

Thank you both for your suggestions. I think I will start with the health visitor and maybe speak with his preschool too. Do you think it could be ADHD? Xx

it could be and or he could be on the autistic spectrum. It can take some time for these things to get investigated and an eventual diagnosis if needed

No don’t think there’s anything wrong with him - just dances to a different beat (my DD, also 3, defiant and just a fiery little individual!) Today has been a tough one for me and I feel emotionally/physically drained!

The book, Listen by Patty Wipfler may give you some insight? I’m slowly working my way through it and on better days I can approach my DD with more compassion!

But I do feel your pain 😄

@Jenu294

No don’t think there’s anything wrong with him - just dances to a different beat (my DD, also 3, defiant and just a fiery little individual!) Today has been a tough one for me and I feel emotionally/physically drained!

The book, Listen by Patty Wipfler may give you some insight? I’m slowly working my way through it and on better days I can approach my DD with more compassion!

But I do feel your pain 😄

Haha definitely fiery and a little bit wild too!

Thank you for the book suggestion, I will have a look.

I spoke with DP about his behaviour a few months ago and we decided if any concerns were raised at preschool/school, we'd deal with it then. The summer holidays definitely aren't helping though, DP is working such long hours and DS is just so used to our routine, he is definitely missing preschool.