Over anxious 8yo - any suggestions? (Long)

[Dec]

I've been checking over previous posts and this seems to be a little more common than I thought, but was hoping someone would be able to shed a little light on this? I don't post very often, but I know the advice on any subject is usually to the point and pretty helpful!

Anyway, DS1 was 8 in June and for the last 2 weeks has been complaining of feeling sick when he goes to bed. This culminated in him having (I think) a small panic attack last week, and although he wasn't sick he's absolutely terrified of the thought of it. I ended up taking him to see the nurse the next day, who gave him a checkup and then asked if there was anything worrying him (school, etc.) He said there wasn't. She suggested that as he only feels like this at bedtime he may be having nightmares or be worried about school the next day.

I've tried to be understanding and get to the bottom of his fears. The reports coming back from school are excellent - he's helpful and attentive in class and in the top groups of literacy/numeracy. He enjoys school and certainly never tries to take time off without good reason! He says he doesn't have nightmares but is only afraid of being sick. I've told him he hasn't got a bug (and so did the nurse) but he's still hyper-ventilating. I've also tried talking through his worries before he goes to sleep to try and get them off his mind. Believe it or not, one of his major worries is that he'll be late for school (although he never is), or that it will rain and he'll be the only wet kid in the class!

I'm at my wits end and not sure how to handle this - do I ignore it so it's not reinforced, or do I carry on reassuring him and trying to get him to open up (which my instincts tell me to do). The last thing I want is an 8 year old with a disabling phobia about something that is pretty hard to prevent at times!

I was a really anxious child - I worried about absolutely everything and jumped at my own shadow. It's a horrible place to be when you're a child and can't rationalise anything. Unfortunately my children seem to have inherited/taken on my worrying tendencies. There was a news story on the the local news the other day about a panther being reported loose in Warwickshire. My sister lives in Warwick and my ds was in tears because he thought she would get killed. I had to ring the Wildlife Officer at the Police station on Sat morning to calm him down. Admittedly I was a little startled at the news so it sort of helped me too to find that they've been in teh County for years. I would only advise never laugh at his fears or poo-poo them because to him they are very very real

Thanks for that SueW. I'm just glad I'm not the only one who's been through this. I have been trying to talk his issues through, but we just end up going round in circles. We check the weather report each night so he knows if he can wear just a fleece to school or if the waterproof has to come out! He does seem to be wary of his teacher, although she's a lovely lady and at the recent parents evening she had nothing but praise for him. The only thing she said that struck a note was that he lacked confidence in his own ability. Although he's in the top streams, he doesn't seem to understand that it's because he CAN do the work?

And I've discovered that the main reason he's afraid of being sick is the worry that it'll come down his nose - kind of stopped me in my tracks when I heard that one!

He does seem to be a habitual worrier and it can be frustrating to me (I believe that if you can't do anything to fix it, then leave it alone...) I've also had to have words with DP as he's got quite a "cheer up" attitude which I don't think was helping!

He seems to be very conscious of what other people think of him all the time, so I don't know if it's that nervousness/shyness that is coming out in another way?

AAAARRGGGHHH there's just too many things that it could be!!

You could be talking about my own ds1 dec!

He is now 7, and last summer we had episodes exactly as you described, a genuine fear of being sick, getting incredibly panicky at the thought, very tearful etc etc.

We explored all the avenues you have described, although we were referred to the hospital for tests just in case as it went on for so long (about 3 months). He had blood tests & a scan because he kept complaining of bad stomach cramps when he got these mini panic attacks.

All tests came back clear to our great relief, and over a period of a few months the attacks gradually disappeared.

We also had contact with the school/his teacher who assured us that if anything, he was completely confident and bouncy at school so no hints there.

At the same time he also got v.very clingy, I couldn't even leave him alone in a room for a while which was really weird!

The only thing we could pinpoint it down to (if you can call it that) was that he'd watched some 'Scooby Do' cartoon which had really scared him, and it seemed to manifest itself in this way. However although he seems really confident, he is quite a sensitive soul really and therefore we now try to have regular chats with him to check all is well.

I totally sympathise with you though, it can be very worrying and stressful for you both, but it sounds very much like our experience which just seemed to pass with time.

big hugs [[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]

Funny you should mention it, DS1 does watch Scooby Doo from time to time - wonder if it was the same one??

It's weird/horrible to say, but I'm glad I'm not the only one. Is it perhaps only the sensitive kids that go through this then? He's also afraid of being upstairs on his own and I have to stay upstairs until he's asleep (my MN time!) Not to mention the habit he's developed of constantly clearing his throat and a nervous tic in his eye - the poor kid's a nervous wreck! It breaks my heart to see him sometimes - he's the class joker, always there with a joke or a silly face, but I know inside he's trying to impress people and seems to really want everyone to love him - what's not to love?!

I can remember a time after 9/11 and he asked his granny why the planes weren't flying. She explained to him that there were security alerts at the airport and he had 2 weeks worth of nightmares thinking we were all going to be bombed! Soon knocked that one on the head!

It's just SO frustrating that he's worried about all the little things, but we've got our bedtime routine now to include talking about his worries and hopefully finding solutions. Fingers crossed it helps him eventually. He'll only talk to me (not DP) if he's worried about things. Seems to be that dad is for playing with and mum is for worrying with! I suppose he knows I won't tease him about stuff, whereas dad...?

I know for a fact the rain thing came from a downpour he was caught in (probably the same one as SueW!) and he was probably the last kid into the class that day so the rest missed it. But to worry about it constantly ever since then? I'm trying to teach him that the worry is in his mind and that by talking it'll hopefully resolve itself or at least become less of a worry.

Fingers crossed and thanks for the advice (I feel like Donkey in Shrek - I needed that hug!)

Christ Dec - I used to clear my throat and blink excessively too.

ced ,my dd now nearly 13 went through an anxious phase when she was around 7yrs.She also wouldn't stay upstairs on her own(what a pain that was!).

She was generally a bit more anxious than usual for about 6 months if I remember rightly.

We just accepted her fears and catered tothem IYKWIM.

She is now a very confident girl.but also very conscientious(not a bad thing imho).I do play down schoolwork at times so she keeps her worries in perspective.

I hope that reassures you somewhat,I'm sure it'll all work out in the end.

Watching one of those tribute progs about John Peel I was surprised to notice that he had a blinking tic - funny because he always seemed so calm and laid back.

Better to be highly-strung and sensitive than to go through life like a bulldozer, Dec (IMHO!) Sue and jampot are right that his worries are not unrealistic. He's obviously an intelligent boy - I hope that as he gets older he will be able to rationalise things for himself. Meanwhile you are saying and doing all the right things for him. Hugs from me too!

Bless you all - this is so nice! It's the first time I've posted about what, to me, is a serious concern and had such a lovely response.

Jampot - please tell me you've stopped clearing your throat as that is the one thing that drives me up the wall!! I've tried everything from ignoring it to trying to annoy him as much as he does me (a poke in the ribs every time he does it for example) He doesn't even know he's doing it some of the time and apparently doesn't do it at school (which the teacher confirmed) "because I'm concentrating"!

Dec - I think I stopped when I was about 10 so just a couple more years of it

I think I'll need to invest in a set of ear plugs then!

Thanks again ladies (just read the thread on manners!)