Battling with my 9 year old

[Ineffectualparent]

I can’t take it. Feel totally ineffectual. Weeping silently so kids can’t hear.
My 9 year is and has always been since she was 2 a difficult / spirited / very sensitive/ emotional child.
I am trying really hard not to parent as I was parented - very strict, parents used sarcasm and shame a lot.
She has always been prone to massive meltdowns - violent, crying shouting.
Efforts to be firm and direct and stern just lead to a massive confrontation as she just takes it as fuel to the fire and gets more and more angry and upset.
I try to be very patient, not trying to lay down law or give ultimatums as it doesn’t work. But tonight I was incredibly, indescribably patient as something of an experiment and no, it completely failed to work.
Basically she wouldn’t leave the park. I gave warnings counted down was flexible
Nothing. Nada. And she is so rude and horrible to me. I know I’m being poor me pity party but my god I am really upset.
Anyway just venting really.

I think you can be firm without shaming her or getting cross at her. She's 9! If she won't do as she's told and leave the park when you tell her to then you don't take her to the park again until she learns some repect. She needs you to lead her. I think the trick is how you deliver that leadership. Talk to her when she's calm. Explain that when you say it's time to leave it's time to leave as you have other things to do. Agree that the next time she does that you will have to stop taking her to the park until she's ready to listen. If she refuses to leave next time give her a reminder of what you agreed and if she doesn't listen then frog march her out of there if you must and remind her calmly that SHE has chosen to give up park privledges as agreed without being too 'I told you so' about it. Be firm but avoid shouting/using phrases which shame her like 'you're old enough to know better' however tempting it is. Offer hugs if she's upset but say what you mean and mean what you say. It's hard but you can be firm and still nurture their strong spirit. Good luck x

I sympathise I have an 8 yo like this. He is so non compliant I have tried everything. I do end up shouting as he does just test every boundary. This is after asking him nicely several times, offering a natural consequence, offering rewards, giving his sister a reward for doing the right thing and moving onto an actual consequence- it's exhausting. Like you I have tried not to bring him up like I was but I do end up being very strict as I think he needs it as he's the type of child who you give an inch he takes a mile. I try the approach outlined above and sometimes it works but mostly he doesn't give a toss. He has consequences etc but repeats the same thing again and again. I hope you have more luck than me.