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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

3yo wont join in with things

13 replies

Jannt86 · 04/08/2021 09:57

I'm currently sat here watching my 3 year old who's meant to be joining in with a swimming lesson but just standing at the poolside scowling. 3rd week in a row now... I know she doesn't really appreciate that I spend £10 a lesson on this but it's so frustrating. She's a literal nightmare for imitating or joining in with anything. She plays nicely with other kids and bonds really well on playdates etc. She will sometimes concentrate on games and jigsaws with me etc but it always has to be on her terms and there's literally no desire to please or conform and her stubborness is relentless. Even just one on one with me she's so awkward about joining in with any singing/games and has been sincr an infant. She's quite smart and knows a lot of letters and basic reading and can count and do some basic addition/subtraction etc but even I have to 'trick' her into showing me she knows this stuff. I just don't know how to deal with it as I just end up getting frustrated with her which is totally against the therapeutic parenting I aim for. I don't think it's good to teach her that behaving like this is ok as even for a 3 year old I think it's bordering on just plain rude. However I don't know of any gentle approach to encourage participation either. She goes swimming and gymnastics and dancing and seems to really enjoy the lessons and want to go and cries if I suggest we don't go again. Is she benefitting from them therefore or should I just remove her? I feel that in the long term they'll teach her the listening and concentration skills she seems to be lacking but in the meantime it feels pointless. I know it's a bit away but I'm really worried this is going to transfer to school as well when the time comes. Can people please reassure me that this is 'normal' and that she'll grow out of it and give me some tips how to help her grow out of it before we both lose our minds haha. Thanks x

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SuperSleepyBaby · 04/08/2021 18:03

She’s little more than a baby and acting like a normal 3 year old. You seem to be expecting a bit much of her and taking things quite seriously.

Accept her for who she is and don’t pressure her to be who you wish she was. No child is perfect - they all have their own issues.

It sounds like the real issue is possibly your own anxiety? Did you struggle socially as a child or are you a perfectionist?

The best parents i know are the ones who get the balance right - have a certain amount of boundaries but also quite easy going.

Skip the classes and go to the playground or do something that makes her happy.

Biswabinayak · 04/08/2021 18:14

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Original poster

Jannt86 · 04/08/2021 20:03

@SuperSleepyBaby

She’s little more than a baby and acting like a normal 3 year old. You seem to be expecting a bit much of her and taking things quite seriously.

Accept her for who she is and don’t pressure her to be who you wish she was. No child is perfect - they all have their own issues.

It sounds like the real issue is possibly your own anxiety? Did you struggle socially as a child or are you a perfectionist?

The best parents i know are the ones who get the balance right - have a certain amount of boundaries but also quite easy going.

Skip the classes and go to the playground or do something that makes her happy.

The thing is most of the lessons DO make her happy and she cries if I suggest not going again it's just she's stubborn about actually taking part. Annoyingly the one she's most awkward about is swimming which is the only one I am insistent she learns to do as I want her to be water safe. I DO take her to the park and play with her every day that we are off together. She pretty much has my undivided attention all day every day that I am with her. We get to the park or similar every day, we play together, we tickle and wrestle and be generally silly, we cuddle up and watch TV when needed and will normally read at least a handful of books together. I don't know where the assumption comes from that because I expect her to be able to participate in a half hour lesson a week that I don't know how to be carefree with her too. Of course I accept her but as her mum it's also my job to do my best to equip her with the skills she needs in life too. Exactly I want to get a balance... but to me I don't think it's 'balanced' to literally allow her to completely dictate when she does and doesn't concentrate and interact with an adult especially when that's only expected of her for a few short bursts a week.... Anyway I guess either way the solution will probably be that we end up dropping the classes. All I'm trying to do is give her the right balance and opportunities but at the end of the day you're not going to make a child do anything they don't want to do so I should probably just chill like you say. If it comes to it I'm sure her dad and I could have a stab at teaching her to swim and the rest doesn't really matter.

OP posts:

SuperSleepyBaby · 04/08/2021 20:17

In your first post you are worrying about how her failure to be enthusiastic about a class when she is only age 3 might indicate she will have issues at school later on.

You don’t need to be fretting about listening and concentration skills at this age. She doesn’t need to interact with an adult if she doesn’t feel like it - as she is just 3.

It does sound like you are overthinking it.

I honestly would totally chill out about it.

You asked and that is just my opinion.

S12M · 04/08/2021 22:35

Hi,

My 3 year old sounds very similar! He will not do anything he doesn’t want to, there is just no way to convince or persuade him. Even as a baby he would just stare at people and never joined in at baby and then toddler groups. It’s hard having a kid like this when you see others complying and joining in. I’m also concerned about school!

I really struggled with this at first but I’ve just accepted that it’s his personality. He likes people and plays with other kids, he’s just a little intense and knows what he likes. He also likes to suss out a situation first and holds back while he’s taking it all in. I worry about it sometimes but then I think won’t it be a good thing when he’s older and knows his own mind and won’t follow the crowd?!

I’ve been thinking about swimming lessons but have been hesitating due to this issue - I can imagine him not getting in! Have you spoken to the teacher about it? I suppose if they’re fine with it and your daughter wants to go, just leave her to it and she’ll join in when she’s ready, however long that takes!

I try to say “you’re not ready yet” or “maybe soon you’ll want to…” in these situations. But I totally get your frustration and feel it daily!

CP2701 · 04/08/2021 23:29

My eldest daughter started swimming lessons when she was 4 and a half and she's a very strong swimmer. It is an important thing to learn, but she has time. So I think my advice would be to just drop the lessons for now, but try again a bit in the future. She might be more open to trying at some point in the future.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 05/08/2021 02:57

So much wrong with this. You need a chill pill

She's 3. It's normal to be stubborn (scared) and have little concentration. She's not being rude- 3 is when kids learn how to deal with emotions like fear, anger, jealousy etc School is a year away. 1 year = a third of her life so far so you are very unreasonable thinking that she needs to be school ready now. Is she at a nursery/pre-school? They will let you know if she's outside the normal range for concentration etc

Why are you talking to her about not going to swimming etc? You're the adult so take control and just do what's right. If she's not participating wait a year or two before trying again because maybe she's not ready yet.

When a child is smart and mature, it's easy to forget how young they are. Based on your post, you are placing treating her like she's 5+ years old rather than 3.

Original poster

Jannt86 · 05/08/2021 07:31

I don't expect her to be school ready by any means but if she's not even trying to do as she's asked and is given that message that she can just be obstinant about doing something then that's a dangerous life lesson for her to learn IMO. It's easy to say she's too young or I'm overreacting but when I watch her in these lessons and she's literally the only kid being like this and there's kids half her age willing to join in then yeh it does tend to make you feel like an epic failure. I have paid for 10 weeks worth of lessons now so she will be going even if she does just sit at the side and pout. After that I'll consider whether it's better to save our money and wait til she's old enough to decide for herself that it's better to be able to at least not nearly drown every time you jump into a swimming pool and hope that's some time before she's 18.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jannt86 · 05/08/2021 07:40

@S12M

Hi,

I try to say “you’re not ready yet” or “maybe soon you’ll want to…” in these situations. But I totally get your frustration and feel it daily!

Thank you for being the only person on this thread that acknowledges that it's frustrating. I guess people don't really get it until they actually have to parent it. The teacher is lovely but tbh I get the feeling she couldn't really care less either way. She attempts to get her in but then just ignores her and concentrates on teaching the other kids who will get in instead. I realise that she likes to suss things out and she can be very shy until she gets comfortable with a situation but I feel like she sometimes chooses when to be awkward and works herself up too and I don't want to get into that pattern. I guess like above pp have said the only thing I can really do is remove her if I feel it's necessary and act like it doesn't bother me when she doesn't join in. I guess as much as I expected parenting to be challenging I just didn't envision putting my everything into raising a child and having it all rejected but it is what it is. I probably just need to stop trying so hard but that's hard when that kid is your life and you don't really get any time apart from them x

OP posts:

SuperSleepyBaby · 05/08/2021 07:46

The kids at the class who are joining in are the ones who are ready to join in. All the other ones who do not feel like doing classes yet, like your daughter, are off enjoying themselves elsewhere at playgrounds or at home playing with toys etc. The kids you see joining in now, might or might not continue with classes as they get older. You daughter might love joining in classes later on - or she might not. Either is fine.

She is allowed to be obstinate and difficult at this age.... because she is only 3! You are expecting too much from her. Obviously, as parents we try to help our children learn how to behave appropriately but it makes a big difference if you accept it is totally normal for 3 year olds to have ‘difficult’ behaviour.

I really think this issue is about you and not your daughter. You sound far too anxious about very normal 3 year old behaviour.

You want her to learn to do what she is told at age 3 or it may be a “dangerous life lesson’. What do you actually imagine might happen to her in the future if at age 3 she is not very obedient? Will she end up in jail or failing all her exams and being homeless?

AllTheSingleLadiess · 05/08/2021 09:32

I understand that feeling that everyone else's child is compliant, not awkward etc but the children who go to the classes are ready for that sort of thing. There will be lots more kids who are more like your dd so at home and not attending classes. They are more likely to be ready after school age and there's nothing wrong with that as their strengths will be elsewhere. Until then maybe stick to weekend sessions in the pool with her for fun.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 05/08/2021 09:41

I guess as much as I expected parenting to be challenging I just didn't envision putting my everything into raising a child and having it all rejected

If you reoffer the lessons when she's ready then she'll enjoy them more.

If you think about it you probably started the lessons because of a random reason like age. Starting at 4+ isn't going to make her any less water confident than starting at 3. Attending when she's ready will not only mean more enjoyment but also faster progress. This is the same with other skills eg reading and riding a bike ride. Just because she's not at the same level at the same time as her friends doesn't mean she will always be behind them. When children learn stuff when they are ready and willing, it will shock you how quickly they learn

poppet131 · 14/03/2023 21:18

@Jannt86 I’m going through this with my 3.5yo. Did she ever get over her reluctance to join in with classes/clubs? X

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