Parents of high needs child- how did you shift your mindset?

[Theywereonabreak]

Evening all,

I have a lovely 11mo DS who arrived after lots of struggle conceiving. We had a lot of issues (feeding aversion, CMPA, failure to thrive, numerous a&e trips and hospital visits) up until 6ish months. Things have finally started to calm down in that respect and I'm very grateful he is healthy and thriving. However, he is definitely a high needs baby- very VERY whiney, rubbish sleeper, teething is a b*tch and my time to get anything done is usually after he's gone to bed at night (until his next wake up of course) and he requires constant attention during the day. In all honesty, I don't mind any of this (most of it is normal for all babies I'm sure) except his temperament...he just seems so much more sensitive than his peers and way more high maintenance. I've lost count of the times I've taken him out with good intentions only to either turn back because he is screaming his head off in the pram/car, or leave early because his meltdowns just gets embarrassing in public. He hates being in her pram or car seat for longer than 10 mins (if that). He also will not fall asleep in the pram if we are out, no matter how tired he is. Instead we will have a huge meltdown, a missed nap and then an evening from the depths of hell. At home, he barely lasts the meal in her highchair before screaming to get taken out. He is extremely active and has hit all his milestones.

I worry this might be a sign of ADHD? I don't know if that's just my PNA/PND talking.

My main reason for this post is just to see how parents in a similar situation got through it all. I cannot change him and I know I need to change my expectations and my mindset. I just become so jealous of my friends and their calm, chilled out kids, going on outings etc while I'm scrambling to please his highness and then accepting defeat and heading home with a screaming baby in the end. I keep wondering what I'm doing wrong but I know this is just his temperament. Sometimes I feel resentful towards him (I know it's irrational and wrong). This is not the baby I was prepared for and I feel like an idiot because he honestly was a miracle baby for us. I'd be really grateful for any advice.

I haven't had a high needs baby. I do however have a child with ADHD and she was the lowest maintenance baby you could imagine!

It's hard, but as long as he is meeting his milestones, he is doing well! So just try and ride the storm for now. He'll come out the other side, it isn't easy though.

I couldn't not reply! My first DS was identical. In fact reading your post made me shudder (in the nicest possible way) as I remember how very very difficult it was. Particularly when comparing to the chilled out, happy babies that my friends had. I left my NCT group in the end as couldn't bear to see the stark difference between my baby and theirs. I started adjusting my mindset around 8 months. Decided I had a high needs baby and even read lots of books about how high needs babies turn into highly sensitive toddlers and the input they need. I was bracing myself for what was to come.

However by 15 months DS1 was a different child. Shifting my mindset helped to an extent but was also totally pointless. All my worry about ADHD etc was unnecessary. I now have the happiest, most gentle, confident and calm 3.5 year old. Totally neurotypical, with great concentration and a healthy amount of independence. Not bragging here but reassuring you that babies can change dramatically. I also look back and realise how desperately unwell I was with PNA. I was functioning and doing everything I needed but I was also grieving for what I thought a postnatal experience would be.

DS2 came last November.., couldn't meet a more different child!! Am hoping he doesn't do the opposite and become a wild toddler!

Sending a virtual hand hold x

I could have written your post! My high need little boy is 12 months old and I’m not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel - in fact it seems that he’s only getting even more clingy :( How are you both getting on now?

@CuriousCat2021 I’m not one of the original posters, but I had a near identical experience with a permanently disgruntled, none sleeping, pram/car hating, food throwing, massively clingy, difficult baby. The comments about jealousy of other people’s ‘normal’ experiences really rings true. Aside from the maybe the first 10 weeks, months 10-14 where the absolute worst. I swear down he screamed at me, didn’t sleep or eat and refused to be put down for 4 months straight.

I’m not sure why, but my experience was similar to @Foreverbaffled, in that DS just morphed into a different child at about 15-16 months. Becoming a lot easier seems to be quite common round the 1.5 year mark with high needs babies. In the space of a month or so he learnt to walk and suddenly understood everything we were saying and started to talk back. Basically he became a toddler! He’s been really quite easy since then to be honest. We have less tantrums at 22 months then we did at 12 months! He eats well, sleeps well, sits nicely in the buggy and is happy to go to other people, who comment what a sunny, happy child he his (still can’t believe it ) he’s still high needs in the sense he does not like being on his own at all - I can’t leave him playing while I go off and do chores. But aside from that he’s amazing. I can’t believe it’s the same child to be honest!

Hoping you have a similar experience

Oh and to add, he has never, ever slept in the buggy. I gave up on that idea a long time ago he still struggles to switch off if there is anything vaguely interesting to look at. He can only sleep in his cot, in his room in the dark. Radical acceptance is better on this one!

Mine is 3 and yesterday he was just whinging and moaning all day long. I'm at the end of my tether. It didn't get easier for me and now I just have a 3yo who wants everything and demands everything on spot or hell breaks loose which is normal but I have no patience. I'm on survival mode everyday where I have an absent face. I hate this experience. I'm still jealous of parents who have chilled out obedient toddlers who are easy to manage. Dc hated being a newborn, infant, baby and now toddler. I'm scared to have another one as this experience has literally scarred me for life. It's not about being tired but mentally exhausted for constantly finding ways to entertain him, meet his needs, distract him. He was so active and into everything and still is very active. I wish I had a different child as my first and he was my last one but as he is my first, I'm put off with the idea of having another and thinking what if the second one is exactly like my dc. I don't know but it never got easier in fact it got worse because I preferred the first 4 months before he started rolling and it was easier to just the stick my boob in his face and transport him to places I wanted to go to. It's harder now and more difficult for me to do that now.

My DD was the same...and at 18 months it hasn't gotten any better sadly. I feel we might have hit the terrible two's early because it's tantrums left, right and centre from the minute she's up :( I'm hoping this means the tantrums will also pass earlier haha. Not really sure what to advise except keel reminding yourself they won't be like this forever (I hope). If anyone has any tips, they're more than welcome.