ds (3.1) screams if I try and leave him...

[ArmadilloDaMan]

For example at preschool. It's a lovely preschool. He always comes out with a big grin. He's fine while he's there (they always promise to phone if he doesn't calm down).

SO why does he refuse to go every morning and have to be physically taken off of me?

If he goes to stay somewhere he can be fine and tbh completely ignore me. BUt other times if I so much as try to leave the room (even if his dad is there) he screams and cries for me. If I go to get something from the car or go to toilet he screams.

If I try to talk to someone that's not him (on phone or in person) he gets really upset. He hates it if I'm not paying him full attention at all times.

He's getting very possessive of me atm and it's doing my head in a) cos it makes it difficult to get anything done and b) cos he's so upset all the time.

This is recent - he's never been much of a clingy child. He's been under the weather recently, but this started before this. It's getting worse though and he is really working himself up into a state.

I don't think this is uncommon and he will grow out it it. As I understand it, sometime between 2 and 3, children develop an awareness of themselves as an individual and separate from you and therefore, when you leave them, they start to panic. Don't think there is a lot you can do except reassure him you always come back.

I sympathise though, dd does this and its a pain!

Thanks.

Hopefully he'll grow out of it soon then.

It's the way he winds himself up so much that I find difficult - to the point where he is coughing and threatening to vomit.

Little charmer he is

Sounds delightful! I never anticipated that my children wanting me too much would be a problem, but it can be. At the moment dd (3.3) has to shout "goodnight mummy" 20 times just to make sure I am still there. I must say, I answer through gritted teeth by about the 10th time!

Does he have to go to pre school? If not i would be tempted to tell him he can stay at home but be very boring. If he does have a good time at school he may decide for himself to go back. Just a thought. Lots of sympathy!

Can your dh take him to pre-school? I think at this age it is easier for them to leave you, then you to leave them. If not, can you talk him through what is going to happen the evening before and repeat it in the morning? I.e. tomorrow we are going to get up, etc, then we go to pre-school and mummy will go back home/to work, you will do this that and the other and when you have had lunch (or something) mummy will come and get you.

he does have to go to preschool - I can take him out for a couple of days (which I did last week cos he was ill, but I kept him off longer than he needed to be). Problem is my dad looks after him and he works nights, so he can have him from 9am if needed as an emergency but otherwise dad needs to sleep.

Nice (iyswim) to know I'm not the only one though

I am just tired of the constant hysterics.

dp can't take him cos of work.

We talk through the next day the night before and in the morning. HE's fine the night before, but works himself up in the morning.

Thanks for the advice

I also ask him who he wants to pick him up - me or my dad (grandad - who he likes to have lunch with even on days I can pick him up). And he'll give me the answer through the sobs.

But he still doesn't want me to go.

I'm the only one allowed to prepare him food, get him drink, change his nappy, take off his shoes etc etc as well, without hysterics.

oh adn usually he doesn't want me to pick him up from preschool, he wants his grandad.

Strange child.

TBH, I don't have any experience with this, but it could be that he wants to be in control?

I think there is a point in every childs life where they like to decide exactly what is going to happen and when, as they all have routines that we have to impose maybe he is just trying to exert some control on the things he can control iyswim.

I don't know how to fix it though I'm afraid! Hopefully someone will come along soon with perfect advice. (This is mumsnet after all, you can guarantee someone will know what to do!)

Hmm. How about acknowleging his feelings? i.e telling him that you can see he is unhappy/worried, etc. because you won't be with him etc.? Does he perhaps get more and more upset because he feels his feelings are not validated, so he feels like he has to really show that he is upset and that it is a difficult situation for him?

I do tell him that I know he doesn't want to go, but he can do xyz there adn that it will only be for a bit, but that I have to go to work.

And we go through the whole 'children have to go to school, adults have to go to work' thingy and why.

I do try to acknowledge that he's upset and explain why I am doing what I am doing.

I think the control thing might be a point. He's always liked to be in control of things.

IF you ask him why he needs to be with me all the time he says he has to look after me?

I don;t know wher ethis has come from and whether it is worth worrying about - or whether it's because I look after him, he thinks he looks after me.

HE is very possessive at moment - if I try to talk to someone he'll often put his hands over my mouth or turn my head away. If dp hugs me, ds has to then hug me more and stop dp having any physical contact with me.

He hates dp sharing a bed with me so if he wakes up he has to come into bed with me and dp has to sleep as far on the other side as poss (we were having conversation about this this morning and he hates dp 'sleeping in mummy's bed when he isn't allowed in till mornign).

Is there anyway you could make him feel mroe in control?

How about an alarm clock that goes off as you need to leave? then he has to come and tell mummy it's time to go??

You could tell him you need his help because he is better than mummy blah blha, and that you need him to tell you when it's time to go, play upto it, so it seems like he really is making you take him.
Set the clock for say five/ten minutes earlier than you need to be there and have another one in the car, that goes off when you need to actually go in, so you can faff about doing stuff in the car and he can say 'MUMM!!IT'S TIME TO GO' etc.

He may feel like he is in control then and that going is his choice rather than something he is being made to do.

Sorry x-posts, I'm not sure about the looking after you could you choose one of his favourite teddy bears that you could get to look after you when he isn't there?

we tried getting him alarm clock - he carried it everywhere, but it gave him nightmares at night so he now hates them being near him.

He gets me up in morning mostly - before I was waking him up adn going to my parents beforehand (as they live close to it) but we have stopped that now and he gets me up and helps make his breakfast, decides on his clothes, but it doesn't seem to make much difference. I ask him if he wants to choose toy/something else (e.g. picture that he has done) to take in (he never does).

He grumbles about going, but doesn't get really hysterical until we get there (unless I have to wake him up when he's grumpy anyway).

I try and be positive about preschool at home (oh, you do that at preschool don't you, and MRs X said to me that she was very pleased with xyz that you did).

Gah, he's a little sod when he wants to be.

Thanks for the help - it is good to work it all through

some good ideas here. i have a 3.6 year old and she is like this more than ever at the moment, another mumsnetter on here has a child the same age and will tell you the same thing (if you're about s?!)

we were talking about this today. no idea why. be reassured it is a phase, there's no way a 5 year old is going to be like that surely? i have an 8 month old baby who needs my attention, so it's obvious to me why my dd is like this, although it seems so irrational. i can't go to the toilet, take the baby to bed, make a drink, sometimes it's ridiculous.

you're not alone! sorry, i'm not helping, just wanted to say that

IT's always nice to know you're not alone