7 year old DD plagued with fears of me dying

[IntendingWell]

Just a bit of background, my parents both died within the past 18 months. Mum of a long drawn out decline (dementia) and Dad extremely suddenly with no warning in April 2020. DD was very close to both but seemed to deal with their deaths very well.

Over the past 6 weeks or so though, she has started to become very upset (usually at bedtime) and is having nightmares about it. All her fears and anxieties are centred around me dying. It is really hard because I spent my whole life in dread of my mum dying, so I know how intense the fear is.

Online advice from psychologists seems to be to not engage in conversation around this too much at bedtime, but DD makes it impossible as she gets so upset I can't just distract her out of it. I have tried raising it during the day, but at that point, she pushes it away and says she doesn't want to talk about it.

So far my narrative has been that I plan on living until I am at least 100 and that by the time I pop my socks she will be an old lady too. She just says 'but you could just die suddenly like Grandad' and I then reassure her that I am doing everything I can to be healthy and stay safe etc. etc. I am having the same conversation with her over and over again and she can be crying for up to an hour which is heartbreaking but also (tbh) stressful as its making her more tired which then has a knock-on effect on the next day, and the next...

It is just so hard because her obsession with it is actually starting to drag me down, I am still grieving for my parents and being woken up at 5am to a hysterical child crying about my death is a real downer.

I just wondered if anyone has any ideas or experience around this. It is tricky because she is still very young but is clued up enough to see through any platitudes I offer.

Thanks if you got this far.

So sort for your losses @IntendingWell

Lots of 7 year olds start worrying about death. This is only my personal opinion, but it's as if they suddenly realise what death is and how losing you is a possibility. Her worries and only going to be compounded with what you've all been through.

Have you given her an idea of what might happen if you were to die? I know that when my DC started raising concerns we reassured them that they'd go and live with a DA, they seemed happy that there was a plan in place.

Thanks @BunnyRuddington. I haven't talked about what would happen if I died while she was still a child, but I assume she would realise she would stay here with DH. I feel like if I even entertained the thought of it actually happening she would completely lose the plot. :(

I remember feeling the same and spent most of my life in fear of my mum dying, and it feels so overwhelming it is almost a panic attack when it takes hold. I wish I could take it away from her because it was a blight on my childhood, I never discussed it with anybody because I didn't want to upset my parents. I am glad that at least she feels she can bring it to me.

Could you say to her something about how extremely low the chances or you dying are and asking her if she'd like to know what would happen if you did die?

I know that fir me and my DC knowing what would happen was reassuring and they soon got over their fears, even started romanticising going to live with DA and mentioning what they'd do together to them.

You know her best, but you could ask her if she'd like to know?

DD(8) worries about this too.

And tbf, it is pretty shit that the people we love die. I think that as adults, we just learn not to think about it too much. Also as adults we know that we can look after ourselves so we don't have the layer of existential fear that children (understandably and rationally) have on top.

I'd second the suggestion you found online not to engage with this at bedtime. I find that when DD is over-tired, it's a million times worse. Once she works herself into a state it's impossible to rationalise or reason her out of it. I usually cuddle up with her in bed and distract with jokes and stories, and try to weather the storm until she's slept (she's OK in the morning).

Is your DD getting enough sleep? That really is important. They lose all resilience and rational thought when over-tired.