Can you help me help my daughter?

[mankyscotslass]

Wasn't sure whether to post here or in SN or Preschool, but here goes.
DD is in nursery with a lovely little boy who is on the Autistic spectrum. He has taken a real liking to my dd, but is very physical in how he expresses it, and DD is not coping very well as she is not an overly demonstrative little girl. She gets really upset if she comes near her,and hates it when he tries to touch/kiss/cuddle her. I think she feels threatened because he is in her space without her permission.
She is now saying she dosen't want to go back to nursery. Nursery are aware of the issue, and we have tried teaching her to say "No I don't like that" and to go and do something else, which worked for a week or so, but things have regressed again. Spoke to nursery this morning, and they said they had been advised not to seperate them, but to hold out for DD being able to handle this/deal with it. At the end of the day she is only just coming up to her 4th birthday, and at the moment it looks like there is a better chance of hell freezing over. I am just looking for ways to help her cope really. They move groups around at the start of the new term in January, but I have a horrible feeling by that point dd is going to be so traumatised she will be put off the place for life - it's part of the primary she will be attending, and the little boy will also be going to the school. So we do need to have a workable coping strategy for her.
She seems quite content to be friendly with him from a distance, and will say hello and goodbye when we meet when out, but is just not comfortable with him being so in her face, so I am pretty sure a play date to help get to know him better is not a good idea just now...

Never mind that THEY dont want to separate him, wether he has any SN or not, that is not fair for someone to be in your dd's space when it makes heruncomfortable, they sound like they care more about this little boy having someone to play with thatn the feelings of you baby, id be speaking to them again and maybe go to head if you get no where, you cant sacrifice one childs happiness to keep another happy

Never mind that THEY dont want to separate him, wether he has any SN or not, that is not fair for someone to be in your dd's space when it makes heruncomfortable, they sound like they care more about this little boy having someone to play with thatn the feelings of you baby, id be speaking to them again and maybe go to head if you get no where, you cant sacrifice one childs happiness to keep another happy

The issue of invasion of personal space is very complex, even without the issue of a child with special needs.

I feel very sorry for your daughter - if she needs a lot of personal space, it can be quite terrifying to have it constantly invaded and, at her age, nigh on impossible to understand that a child of her own age has developmental issues that prevent him from learning not to invade another child's space in the usual way.

Personally, I think the school needs to be more pro-active in managing the little boy on the Autistic spectrum. Integrating children with SN into maintstream schools is right, but not at the expense of the harmonious development of other children.

Could you talk to the nursery in these terms?

Thanks for the replies.
I spoke to her nursery nurse this morning, as the nursery teacher was absent today. She said they knew they would have to reasses their position, as they could see how upset my daughter had been on Friday.
I can see it from their point of view on the sn inclusion, and the boy is lovely, but I am my dd's needs are not seen as important as his. I am going to have to wait and see when the nursery teacher is in again, and see what she says.

oh, this is awkward isn't it. I dont really understand autism so i wont comment on the lad. But it obviously is a problem for your daughter, she cannot be expected to give the lad slack as we, as adults, would clearly do. Maybe a word with the parents, but how to do it tactfully i dont know - but it might help if they know about it. You could approach it that your DD really likes him but finds his affections a bit OTT (oh bless!) and is becoming upset to the point she doesnt want to be friends with him. Might it be that the more she pulls away etc the more insecure he feels and then feels he has to be more OTT? Of course i would be very careful about speaking to the parents as they might be terribly upset but they will understand their sons behaviour better than anyone and might know a strategy to cope with it.

I definately think go onto the SN part of the forum as there will be mums of autistic children who could possibly come up with a suggestion.

Last year there was a little boy in dd's nursery with the same space issues. He was diagnosed with Aspergers. He had no concept of personal space, would clamber all over others, elbow them out of the way, constant hugging, pulling, etc.

(This was a nursery for 3 and 4 year olds the year before starting reception by the way)

The nursery dealt with this by teaching the whole class the concept of 'Don't Burst My Bubble'. They all had to imagine a bubble around them. That was their personal space. Then, when this boy came too close to someone, in their face etc, the child whose space was being invaded would say 'Don't burst my bubble X'. It took a while, but it really did work.

Hippipotami, that sounds like a workable idea, thanks you! This is also the same kind of nursery you describe.
Have just posted on SN too.

Hi there, what a difficult situation for you, we have had problems with a boy with autism in DS1's nursery class (same as yours in a primary school)
What made it easier for us was that the boy was physically violent, horrid for the children in the class but it made it clear cut that stuff needed sorting out and quickly. the boy attacked other children about every 15-20 minutes during a 2.5 hour session. the staff were exhausted trying to deal with him.
In discussion with the parents of the child it was decided that the child should leave for a while and get some extra help elsewhere to prepare him for being integrated into the primary school next year.

Sorry to not have practical help but I would say keep communicating your feelings to the teachers and keep asking questions about what progress is happening. Is the child getting help? does he have a SN1-1 TA?

I understand your situation. Protecting your child is important. I would consider talk to the school once again, however if they are not willing to accommodate I would take the next step. Talk to the person in charge. As parents of special needs children we have to learn to advocate for our children. I recently had to do the same for my special needs child. I want him in a kindergarten class a traditional class, They were refusing to accommodate, We ended up getting a lawyer. Best decision we ever made. So as your daughter ages keep that in mind. Just always remember your her parent, and you know whats best for your child. That's what I have to remind myself everyday!
Here's the lawyer we used: csnlg.com/
I hope everything works out for the best,

This is a thread from 2007. The little girl is prob about 9 now.

This is a thread from 2007. The little girl is prob about 9 now.

I think that after five and a half years the problem will have been sorted! She certainly left the nursery long ago.

Seems Marcela is here to perhaps promote her Lawyer?

Sorry did not notice this was an older post.