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Behaviour/development

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DS 2.11 loves me/hates me

10 replies

Minkus · 24/11/2007 19:57

My ds is a lovely, bright, funny, kind little boy and recently he has decided that if anyone is going to bear the brunt of his anger it will be me. For example, if he's angry about something, he will shout "I am berry (very) angry!" and be quite vocal (grrr noises etc) which we've encouraged him to do so he can at least know how to vent his spleen, but he has also taken to giving me a good wallop if I'm nearby even if I wasn't involved in the incident/ game/ conversation that made him feel so strongly.

This hitting behaviour is something we have certainly not encouraged and he knows that we don't hit, it's unkind and makes people sad. He doesn't do this with his dad or any of our other family/his nursery friends.

Part of me thinks that it might be because he knows he can do/say whatever he likes and express himself however he wants to me and I will absolutely accept it (although I do make it clear to him that I don't like it when he hits me). However I don't want him to be given the idea that although you can't hit it's ok if it's only mummy.

Also, I've just had a short spell in hospital with hyperemesis (dc 2 due in July) which I am sure has unsettled him a bit and so the continuing behaviour could just be because he's "punishing" me for going away for a few days. Although the hitting had started well before then and so hasn't just emerged.

Any ideas on strategies I can try?

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pinkyminky · 25/11/2007 01:15

just wanted to say big hugs for the hyperemesis. I had it with both mine so lots of sympathy.
No strategies I'm afraid so not much help there, my little 13 month old girl has begun giving her brother quite a firm slap and I'm finding it difficult to sort out.

I'm not sure I accept anything my child says/does to me. I am his mummy and he is encouraged to show me respect.

amytheearwaxbanisher · 25/11/2007 01:23

my ds 2.3 does this to me sometimes i think its because mammy is the one he comes to first when he is upset for a hug so mammy is also the one he lashes out at first when he is upset

OverRated · 25/11/2007 01:29

I think you've been doing the right thing - he needs to know that you love him, that it is ok to feel angry but that you never hit. Anyone. Even mummy. Maybe you could teach him other strategies for venting his anger?

Minkus · 25/11/2007 09:04

Thankyou for replying you nightowls!

OverRated I think we will have to try some more ways of helping him vent. Not sure what else to do though- perhaps as his vocab expands he will be able to put it into words more (I was a big favourite apparently of saying "Daddy you're a big poo head and I wish a car would splash you with a muddy puddle")

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Paddlechick666 · 25/11/2007 09:52

hi minkus, i think this is normal behaviour. that's not to say it's acceptable tho!

i am mum and dad to my dd so i get all the love and all the frustration.

she's very good at saying sorry and giving a kiss and does so immediately after any sort of walloping. she's only just learning to say when she's happy tho so your ds is doing great to tell you when he's angry.

sounds like you're handling it really well and teaching him that it's not nice and it makes you sad but that you still love him.

my dd is just beginning to catch herself. she'll wind up for a wallop and sometimes just catches herself before she makes contact. when that happens i give her a "uh-oh" look and tell her she's a good girl and that it wouldn't have been at all nice if she had have hit me.

as you say, looking on the plus side it is because he feels secure and safe enough in your love to be able to vent his emotions. also as you say, he will learn the words to vocalise instead of physically express himself and go thru this phase.

hope that happens for you soon!

Minkus · 25/11/2007 10:17

Paddlechick that's a really nice emotion to recognise, being happy.

You're right though, perhaps I've just got to wait until he has enough words in his range to vent his anger that way instead of by whacking me!

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pinkyminky · 25/11/2007 13:19

I think language plays a really big part- a lot of anger is born out of frustration. My son used to get really angry occasionally but he was more inclined to throwing things than hitting and now he can vocalise more complex feelings this has abated somewhat I try to encourage my son to tell me what he is angry/upset about rather than just taking it out on me, that's all.

lucyellensmum · 25/11/2007 13:49

thank god its not just me, my DD is breaking my heart at the moment, hitting, biting, headbutting. I can sort of cope with that actually because that comes out of frustration with life etc. What hurts me is that she only wants Daddy, she asks for him all day long and often tantrums if i cannot magically materialise daddy out of thin air. When he is around i cannot do anything for her and she has taken to telling me to go away. She did this at M&T on friday too, screamed at me to go away and i had to sit away from the group doing singing to prevent a tantrum. It really upsets me and although i know i shouldnt take it personally, i do. Sorry for the hijack, im just relieved to see that other peoples children do a similar thing

Paddlechick666 · 25/11/2007 14:03

lucyellensmum, it's tough eh?

my dd often says "go 'way, where's grandma"!

my mum stays 2 days a week with us and looks after her for me.

last week dd stayed 3 nights at my parents' place as i was away on a conference.

when she came home yesterday dd was ecstatic to see me. at one point in the afternoon she shoved my mum out of the way and said "go 'way, thats MY mummy"!!!!

it works both ways.

any chance you could leave your dd and dh to it one weekend? am sure they'd both really enjoy it and be extra pleased to see you when you got back.

Minkus · 25/11/2007 15:00

lucyellensmum that does sound harsh! Poor you.
if it's any small consolation my ds went through a stage of only wanting daddy, then only wanting me, and at the moment its a mixed bag.
So hopefully the swings and roundabouts will turn around in your favour soon.

Good luck
x

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