Toddler tantrum 22 months

[serenfach1]

I'm wondering what is the gentlest way to deal with a toddler tantrum? DS1 is 22 months and had a complete meltdown after I interrupted water play because dinner was ready. Gave him 10 min, 5 min and 2 min notice so it wasn't a surprise. As soon as he gets upset he says through his sobs while he's clinging to our legs "cuddles", "nap", "bath", and new one on us "nappy" for a nappy change. I assume because he knows all these things gets him our attention and when he has meltdown we tend to ignore it. He actually doesn't have them often and if he does and I try the distraction method but last night that disjt work. So, while he was having his tantrum
DH and I ate our dinner and then tidied up and did the washing up. But it breaks my heart when he's sobbing for cuddles and I just want to pick him up and give him a cuddle, so what's the kindest way to deal with this situation? I feel like I'm dismissing his feelings that he's upset and ignoring his desire for our attention but DH thinks ignoring completely until meltdown is over is the only way to prevent meltdowns from happening. Sorry if the question isn't very coherent. Hopefully you understand what I'm getting at.

My 2yo (not quite but almost) has zero understanding of time. It's "now" or never. So maybe yours is quite not there with the timings either? (no idea what they should or should not understand about time at this age...).

Whenever he has a tantrum over something, and he calms down, in a second he comes for a cuddle I pick him up and cuddle him. Always cuddle. Maybe I am wrong, but I just want him to know I love him no matter what. I let him scream if he wants to, but the minute he asks for something he gets my attention. He does the same "change" when in bed (although his nappy is dry) and he goes "potty" two million times just so I walk him to the bathroom. Still, it's not going to last forever, I keep telling myself :P

@zookeeper19 I want to cuddle him too but I know my husband and I should keep a united front in the way we handle these things. I'm way more aware of responsive parenting and how to acknowledge my child's feelings than DH is... Just been googling it and reading a few different things. I know that the notion of "when you've calmed down" is completely daft for a not even 2 year old so I need to work out a new plan and try and explain it all to my DH. Do you ever feel like you're the only one trying to learn about how to raise a child?!

@serenfach1LOL yes and absolutely bloody yes. Also my DH forever asks "so what should I do now" - sometimes it's funny, sometimes less so.

Honestly, your son needs to know he is loved no matter what, so that's something I would not compromise on. United or not, love is unconditional for me and I am lucky that my DH is even worse in this (the minute the LO cries he goes and cuddles).

If your DH is analytical, try some short parts of books that explain how emotional wellbeing is formed for children and how important it is for their development and future life. If you can name the emotion for the child, and say "I know, I understand, I love you so much let's do XYZ later/on another day/after we are done with this".

Don't know about united front, I think we are all individuals and life should not be "us vs them" as in parents vs children. It's not "one size fits all". If he wants to sit it out and you want a cuddle, he can do as he likes and you do as you like. It is important not to undermine each other, but I think this is not it. It's not like he says "no chocolate" and you go "here is chocolate". Tantrum is a different situation IMO.

@ZooKeeper19 thank you for your considerate reply. Dad is very, very loving and has ooodles of unconditional love but think he read one thing online about how to handle tantrums and got it in his head that the hard line approach was appropriate but DH and I had a chat after I wrote back to you and I think he understands where I'm coming from which is great so I think we'll be able to handle the next tantrum more positively for all of our sakes!

Glad to hear that you and Dad have had a useful chat.

I think there's also a difference between a tantrum as a deliberate tactic to get their own way and a tantrum because they're overwhelmed by their emotions and can't cope. If it's the first (which I think is usually older children, but obviously all children are different), ignoring might be a reasonable tactic, but if it's the second, ignoring them seems quite unhelpful and unkind, really.

If you think about adults, some of us like to be left alone when we are sad/angry/upset, etc., but many people want a hug, or to talk, or for someone to make them a cup of tea – and we generally offer those things to an upset friend or family member if they want them, not ignore them until they're done crying! Surely we ought to offer toddlers the same help if they want it (okay, not cups of tea).

I have a (just turned) two year old, and she definitely uses cuddles to help her regulate her emotions. It doesn't always work, but quite often she'll start to cry, then come to me for a cuddle and it's all over within a minute –even if she was upset in the first place because I said we had to stop an activity or whatever. Personally, I'm going to take that for as long as it works...

Definitely cuddle and pick him up as soon as he asks to be picked up or as in my Dds case as soon as he'll let you. I don't mean to be unkind but as others have said you wouldn't ignore an adult sobbing....

Toddlers tantrum because they just can't deal with their emotions - they just overflow because they don't have the ability to emotionally regulate themselves yet.

If I want /need DD to move on from something I get down on her level and just say gently that it's time for dinner or whatever. I might have to say it twice or even three times because it takes toddlers longer to process things than adults but i try to be as kind as possible because I figure if I was her I would actually be pretty annoyed if someone told me to stop doing something I was really enjoying and do something I didn't particularly want to do and I'm not much older 😉