I’m at breaking point with my 4yo

[Jinnybean]

My youngest is 5 in two weeks and I really hope her attitude changes with it.

Nothing we do is ever good enough,the wrong pants, the wrong colour top Iv just bought etc.

She whines constantly, she smacks me, she shouts at me. If I say no she screams at me. There is a park outside the school and if I say she can’t go she smacks me in front of everyone, if we do go and it’s time to leave she smacks me and shouts. It’s so embarrassing.

She honestly rules the home and I do not know what to do. She’s horrible to her sister (13) and her brother (12).

I love her so much and she’s my baby but my god I’m at breaking point. She just doesn’t listen. She doesn’t care about time our steps, behaviour charts or losing things.

She wakes up at 3am every single morning. Wide awake, she won’t go back sleep. She just shouts at me and then constantly knocks on the wall for me. She wants food, my phone, water, snuggles.. she doesn’t get my phone.

If I tell her no she just screams and cries then wakes everyone up. I was up and down 10 times tonight since 3am.

She goes bed between 6.30-7.30pm. We read a book and then she goes sleep well.

I just don’t know what else to do anymore.

We are all at breaking point.

She’s such a smart beautiful funny girl when she’s in a good mood.

Hi @Jinnybean

I so feel your pain! I had this phase with one of my DC and yes each birthday I'd wildly hope there would be a magical change 🥴 I've been yelled at in public many times - tbh the only thing I learnt there was to stuff what other people thought and just deal with it as I would if I was on my own. I would sometimes at home speak very firmly and say you are NOT in charge here... One of my mantras with bad behaviour is if you don't do it in school to your teacher then you don't do it here. It's taken time but the tantrums have become less and less and we have a lovely little relationship now.

With the early rising, you could maybe put her to bed very slightly later each night and see if that makes any difference...

Hugs

It's so tough isn't it when they're this spirited. I think it's important for her to learn that it's ok to have feelings but that hitting and obnoxiousness will absolutely have consequences. Tbh my jist turned 3YO understands consequences so these should definitely be enforced. Eg the park... Talk to her when she's calm and explain that it's ok to be dissappointed when she can't go but that it's a treat not an entitlement. If she can't behave appropriately when she's told no then you'll have to stop taking her at all for a while. Tbh I wouldn't even entertain the early morning waking. Drink by her side and offer to sit by her til she falls back to sleep and can go straight to the toilet and straight back again but everything else has to wait til morning. I also find with my 3YO that playfulness and humour go a LONG way in diffusing negative behaviours and emotions. Good luck. X x

It’s so bloody hard. Is there anything else going on for her? Any big changes? Has she always been like this or is it a recent thing?

I’ve had some help from school for when my DD gets like this. They use ‘zones of regulation’ in school and did a session with us so we could use it at home. Have a Google, but basically it’s a very simple colour coded framework to help kids talk about feelings, with some coping techniques for when they’re at the extremes.

DD is usually too far gone for the coping techniques when she’s in a bad way BUT the framework has been terrifically helpful in giving us all a way to talk about her feelings, and that actually goes a long way to diffusing them.

I also do a lot of ‘allow the feeling but not the behaviour’. For example, ‘It’s ok to be angry we can’t go to the playground but I won’t let you hit me’. At times, I remove myself from the situation if she’s hit me.

Also have a look at the book ‘How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen’. Lots of good techniques in there.

What’s she like in school? Have you asked their advice?