How much do I push my 7 year old to socialise?

[Stuckinarut79]

Looking for some advice as I’m just not sure what to do for the best.
I have a really shy/anxious 7 year old. She has a close group of 2/3 friends in her class - all boys. Who she plays with at school.

She hates after school club as none of them go. Ive got her into beavers, and whilst she’s there it’s fine, but getting her there is getting tricky, She doesn’t want to go, she cries has a bit of a tantrum - Ive persisted in taking her because she’s engaging while there and the leaders say she seems happy - usually comes out with a smile.

Am I being unreasonable? I’m not one for pushing children into too many activities but I worry that if the boys she’s friends with pull away she will be isolated, that I need to give her the opportunity to have a wider social circle and interests. But if she doesn’t want to go am I being ridiculous in making her go. She’d very happily go nowhere and just play on her tablet. But I feel as though by not pushing her a little I’m not giving her the skills she needs.

I was never very sociable as a child, one or two close friends - but I spent a lot of time feeling like I didn’t fit in and still now find it hard to make friends and I’m very lonely. But I did really enjoy guides, ballet, gymnastics etc not so much from the social side but for doing something different and achieving things.

Finding clubs is difficult as I’m a single parent and work full time, money is tight. Play dates aren’t possible as she has an older sister with special needs and it’s not really appropriate to have children here - yes I know how that sounds but it’s complicated. I know life with her sister is tricky, and that her anxiety will be part of that - hence me trying to give her opportunities away from the home. She’s signed up to young carers etc but again it’s been a real battle to get her to go on their day trips, as she doesn’t know anyone and just doesn’t have that confidence of their will be kids my age I’ll make a friend and it’ll be fine that so many her age seem to have.

Any advice? Leave her alone or keep pushing her despite her reluctance?

Speak to her teacher. Express your concerns. They're definitely valid. But I don't think forcing her to go to Beavers is a good idea.

What she needs is a broader group...if you speak to the teacher they can then try to encourage her into more friendships. Why doesn't she play with any girls? Not that this is a bad thing but I know from experience that when they get a bit older, it gets a bit different and she may need some girls to play with.

I spoke to her teacher last year who told me I had to act more confident as she’ll learn from me! That made me feel good as I thought I was a confident person!

She’s young for her age (and a July birthday) and I think she just finds the boys easy, they just run around, play football and pretend to be ninjas/superhero’s. It’s simple, already the girls seem to be more sophisticated, she gravitates to the boys or younger girls at the park/soft play. She’s very slight and easily passes for a 4/5 year old, general sweeping comment but I think the boys feel protective of her where as the girls see her as a “baby”. That’s why I went with beavers and not brownies as her interests are very much not girly girl stuff.
I’m just not convinced stopping all clubs is the answers, she wants to do football/martial arts but again with hockey/dance and now beavers she likes the idea but gives in quickly when the reality of it hits - as in she has to speak/engage others.

Covid and been at home has really set her back, she won’t go upstairs or come downstairs on her own at the moment , she’s my shadow!

I would steer well clear of thinking all girls are 'girly girls'. Many are not. The teacher has been very unhelpful....go again and ask which of the other kids in class have struggled socially and might appreciate a playdate.

Having as many playdates at home as possible cements friendships more deeply.

If DD is complaining about Beavers after say another two months, then consider finding something else. Giving up too soon isn't good, you're right but it's also important to keep looking for the right sort of club.

I'm not sure that being a Summer baby and being slight is the reason that she doesn't play with girls as I've got a small, summer born myself.

I think the advice of speaking to the teacher and raising your concerns again is a good one.

I also think it's a good idea to carry on with Beavers for a little while but make sure she knows that if Beavers stops, she needs to think of a different activity that she will he doing.

How about starting an activity yourself as well OP so that she can see that socialising and mixing with others is just a normal part of life?

One of my girls was summer born and she was fine socially. The being slight thing should not matter at all....especially not if she's happy running around playing games that little boys enjoy...she doesn't sound like a delicate flower or anything.

Starting an activity yourself is a great way forward. I'm not naturally sociable but have always taken care to maintain some friendships so my DD's can see what's normal and how it's done.

And because it's healthy of course! I'm a huge introvert and do have to try at these things.

I really would work at getting her to open up to playing with some girls. I say this because one of mine had two boys as best friends and for some weird reason, when they hit about 8, the Mother of one of them heavily discouraged her son from playing with DD...I personally think she was worried he was too girly. Ridiculous. Luckily DD was and is sociable and soon moved on.

But also when they get to about 9, they do change a lot...and DD might value some female friends.

I don’t for a second think it’s because she’s summer born or slight, I think it’s complex but both of those things mean she passes for younger. Which isn’t really the issue at all. Just how I see her choosing to play with younger children if she chooses to in the park for example, I don’t see her approaching girls her age when out and about. Or moving away from them if they interact with her.

My exact worry is the boys may pull away I want her to feel comfortable in social situations so that she can flit to other groups. Hence having her in extra curricular activities.

When I said I was lonely I meant I miss close friends, I have one person I can be 100% with, but have plenty of friends and do stuff with them though usually when the girls are with their dad. But I’ll make a point of talking more about the people I interact with and what we get up to.

In order to help her learn to socialise with girls her age, you need to put her in close proximity to them. Could you ask her if there are any nice girls in her class?

There may be one or two she mentions....then invite them over individually for a playdate. I can't stress the value of playdates enough.

One of mine was shyer than the other and her teacher told me that seeing one another's home etc helped to forge deeper friendship bonds.

It definitely worked. Join the PTA or volunteer at school so you can get to know some of the other parents too.