4 month old DS got sudden selective aversion to DP

[ChubbyScotsBurd]

DP and DS have a great relationship, DS adores him, all smiles for him, lots of fun and giggles. But since we've started to involve DP in bedtime (he does the into PJs and read a story bit) he seems to be getting really agitated and shrieking at him, getting really distressed. DP is obviously really hurt by this, esp as DS won't settle to sleep for him at all now either (he just gets escalating hysteria - as soon as DS comes to my shoulder he relaxes into sleep, even without a feed).

I'm waiting for DP to get to the nice story bit but before DS has even got his jammies on he's absolutely howling. I'll go in there and console him and he'll chill out.

FWIW DS is very bright, making lots of associations already, seems quite aware of what's going on and HATES going to sleep, actively fighting it. Is he maybe just associating the evening interaction with oncoming sleep? Poor DP, his voice is wavering there as I ask how it's going ... he just loves his little boy and wants to cuddle him before bed. Any ideas?

Am also now V worried about having to go back to work in the new year

Shameless bump ... I know it's tea time but I'm going to have to do the terrible thing that is go in and offer to help which will involve DP surrendering and being a man we all know that means a long period of huffing ...

Is putting DS to bed the only thing that DP does with DS (not meaning to sound like DP doesn't help out, IYSWIM).

Perhaps you could alternate the nights that DP puts DS to bed so that DS doesn't always associate DP with bedtime?

Sorry, not much help really - it's been a bloody long time since i had a baby!!!

CSB I could have written your post. My DP liked to do the bath/cuddle before bed but my DS would much prefer that I do it and invariably I end up going upstairs to calm the ever increasing wails and shrieks. It seemed that poor DP only ever got him when he was crying

I do think as well that I am much quicker/efficient at bathing/dressing because I do most of it and DS seems to know that he can protest a bit more with his Daddy.

To keep the peace I tend to do it now or at least be in the room as sometimes me just chatting/soothing him seems to help.

RGPargys suggestion of doing something different with him may be useful. If he is anything like my DS he is at his absolute cutest first thing in the morning, all smiles and gurgles. DP likes to spend half hour or so just playing and cuddling before getting on with the day.

This parenting lark isn't for the faint hearted is it?

Thanks both ... he eventually conceded defeat and asked me to take over. I've been trying to persuade DP to take DS downstairs for a bit in the mornings for ages now - he's definitely at his best in the morning (DS, that is, not DP!).

It's rotten though, poor DP. The bedtime involvement is meant to be a compromise since he likes to get DS seriously excited when he comes in from work and that was making bedtime an even bigger PITA for me. Looks like another rethink is on the cards.

mmelody's got a point about taking DS down in the mornings. Perhaps DP could do that and enjoy a bit of morning breakfast fun with DS? Then after a while, DP could gradually move back to bed times?

I think you're right. The only problem I can foresee is that DP tends to be the fun exciting one, and that's possibly why DS is enraged by this dull bedtime thing ... although morning fun with DP would be well received by both I don't know if it will help bedtimes any. However, it will mean DP gets some 'special' time if we have to abandon his bedtime involvement. I do so love getting to my exercise class once a week though, makes me feel human ... is that selfish?

Yes, NOT for faint-hearted!

So can DP do the bedtime routine just once a week when you go off to your class and the rest of the time DP does the morning shift?

He does bedtime as far as possible but usually ends up with headphhones on and DS in sling, screaming . I want to persevere with going out but now DS is resisting even basic bedtime interaction with DP I'm not sure it's the right thing to do - we're talking serious hysterics, not just grizzling but scratching/flailing, properly screaming like he's in terrible pain ... but fine when I take him. Weird, upsetting, infuriating ...!

I've been lurking here looking for inspiration as 5mo DD started doing exactly the same thing about 2 weeks ago after happily being taken to bed by either of us until then. She just screams harder and harder and louder and louder until i can't bear it any longer and go up and she instantly stops. DP is being very philosophical about it all though and accepts she's just going through a mummy phase.

We were thinking about trying both of us doing the bedtime routine for a couple of nights and then me gradually leaving earlier and earlier until DP is doing the whole thing on his own again. Babies are pretty quick to rumble these parental ruses aren't they?

I know what you mean about the hysterics. By the time I get up there sometimes, DD is violently flopping round in her growbag like a demented carp.

demented carp

Bad one tonight. Bedtime routine was my saviour too I miss it!

If you find the answer, tell me, ditto how you persuaded your DP not to get upset ... mine's not talking to me now ... not like I turned a 4 month old baby against him or anything!

you feel like it's your fault tho don't you?

I think my dp is un-upsettable. It's like living with the Dalai Lama I tell you!!!

I think maybe your DS just associates your DP with fun as you said and his crying is just him saying that he doesn't want fun now, he wants rest. In a few months, you'll be the one who's when your DS shuns you to play with Fun Daddy.

csb, your ds really gives you the run-around, doesn't he!

mine's a bit like that - I think they have a problem wiht Fun! Dad! suddenly turning into quiet night-night dad. My dh had a hard time and took it v personally that ds screams at him ("roaring", dh calls it) and will stop within seconds when I take him.

we find it comes and goes in waves. last night ds was inconsolable in dh's arms. tonight he played with both of us til he fell asleep. babies. go figure.

I am this close to ebaying him phd, so if you wanna get in with an early bid ...

LOL at e-bay. I have just been listing some items to sell and had a conversation with DP about putting DS on!!

We figured that he would go quickly because he looks so cute but would come straight back after one night of waking every two hours!

Would definitely be worried about my feedback status following that sale

awww, csb, reading that made me smile, i remember when DS only wanted me.....they jsut go through stages.....my DS is now 12 and every day, "where's dad?" are the words directed at me, while "look at this! isn't x cool? shall we do x? listen to what i did..." is all saved for DH. i want another mummy phase! maybe i;ve had my last one ever (when he was about 6 ) i sometimes hate being the everyday caring parent rather than the fun exciting one!

my 12 week old dd EXACTLY the same with DH!! she'll occasionally go to him, but is really really clingy at the moment and has been for last 4(ish) weeks, breaks DH heart and i feel awful (mixed with kind of smug feeling ) that dd settles down for me instantly.

My DH does bathtime, bedtime bottle, cuddle and bed bit. the only time dd stops yelling is when bottle is in mouth, or briefly when she's in the bath - which she loves! DH has earplugs

this last week someone suggested putting on of DH's t-shirts (worn) into dd bed so she associates DH smell with comfort. I have also hovered around them both to try and calm down dd, and when she's creamed for about 5 mins i take her, calm her down and hand her straight back to DH. she is then calm for a while then screams again. this goes on for up to 30 mins when she either falls asleep though exhaustion or i take her

however, last night a breakthrough!!! DH did it al himself (i hovered around bathtime but left when i could see dd was ok) and had her fed and asleep within 30 ins! and today she has been all smiles for him, sat on his knee most of day, and he fed her all day!! hang on in there, it will pass, just let your ds know that dad will be doing bedtime whether he likes it o not, and i'm sure very soon he'll like it again

screamed not creamed lol, must use spell check