DS1 has just thrown his PS2 controller across the room

[saltireflyingatHampden]

It has broken, and made a big dent in the door. All because the friend he has in playing scored a goal on teh football game!
Yesterday he called DS2 a B*d, and told me I was a horrible, mean selfish mum and he was going to get a knife and stab me until i was dead, and that all the food I cooked was horrible. He goes off in the most awful rages over the silliest thing, and completely loses it. I don't know why i'm posting this actually as I've posted before for advice and been ignored. Anyway last night he got showered and sent to bed at 6pm, despite crying and wailing for 2 hours becasue he wanted to go to film night at the school.

I have sent the friend home. He is now lying on his floor crying and wailing again. Every single conversatiuon is an argument at the minute. Like I said, he goes into the most horrid rages, he actually snorts like an angry bull. I don't know what to do, and I don't know what DH is going to say, especially after yesterdays performance

When I ask him about why he reacts this way, he just says "I got angry, i can't help it". It's all the time though. Twice I walked out of shops today becasue the behaviour of both DSes was terrible. They were punching hitting each other. DS1 screamed that i was a bad selfish mum because wanted to go in a shop and he didn't and if I did go in shops i didn't buy them anything"

I did try the talking thngs, but they don't seem to make a blind bit of difference, as I said in earlier posts everything is a battle. He says all tha time that I'm horrible and don't let him do what he wants, but then when we do let him choose what to do he moans. For example he wanted to go and see ratatoullie. We got there, he moaned and fidgeted and talked "when is it finsihed2, "I'm bored" all the way through it. Sometimes DH will take him to ahve a kcikabout with the football - which is all DS wants to do, play footie - and then DH will score a goal, and DS oes off in one of his rages, crying and huffing and saying it's not fair etc. So then DH says "enough" and brings him home.
Then to cap it all, DS2 told my mother on the phone about Ds1 saying he was going to kill me, etc so now she's been on the bloody phone 14 times since to "check up and make sure your ok". Then she goes on about how it all ym fault, or DH's fault, or the school etc etc

I guess your mum is just worried about you all and (inadequately) trying to help you by letting you know! Just the sort of thing my mum does - rings me and tells me she's worried about me

I hope I don't upset/worry you further saltire but you really do sound like you have tried everything and you need to get some professional help (I'm thinking child psychologist - not that I have any knowledge so I'm just guessing who would be appropriate. However school nurse is an excellent starting point).

His attitude when you talk to him makes me think that even in his apparently calm moments the rage is just simmering away under the surface waiting to boil over, rather than him actually feeling calm. Also that nothing is making him happy at the moment, which is worrying. The early waking thing - of itself can be a symptom of depression; however you say he has always been like this.

Sorry if this is not helpful to hear - to an extent I am just thinking aloud - but if it helps to let off steam on here then do it. Seek me out and vent at me - I'll listen!

Sometimes I wish I had a magic wand

Saltire, I went back and read a lot of your posts over the last 6 months. Not to be critical, just because I also suffer from a tempermental DS and I'm interested in how you get on.
Tell me if I have this picture wrong...
Your DH is in the forces, you work as a CM, your DH is often away, your family moved about 8 months ago (to do with your DH work, I suppose). Presumably you have little local support (family or friends to call on).

You hate where you are, the local kids are rough (offering beer around, your DS1 may be being bullied), you've had little feedback from school about your DS, but you know your DS hates school now (and he used to love it).

He wakes up at miserably early times and you think chronic tiredness is an issue. Taking your DSs (age 7,9) out together can be hellish. DS2 is generally manageable, though.

You started this thread Thurs22nd, you started another thread Fri 23rd about your DS1 suddenly coming out with a mystery rash. Whatever caused the rash, do you think it was already bothering him on Thurs?

Is that the right picture, have I left anything significant out? You've got a lot to contend with there, and so does your DS1.

Here's what I tend to think...

• Avoid any outings with both DSs if you can possibly. Cut back your expectations of what you can get done with them around.
• That Sibling Rivalry book may be good, most of it is about how you teach them to sort out their own problems.
• Can you offload your DS2 for a few hours/week (after school one afternoon or something else?), just to have more 1-to-1 with the DS1?
• Use that time to gently probe the bullying issues (if nothing else, chat with him in the lead up period to his bedtime, this is often when kids relax and reveal the most about their inner life), just ask him about what it's like at school. Listen and ask but don't comment. Do you Childmind full time or could you go in as a parent helper for a few hours to get a better idea of his school experience?
• Since his bodyclock is set so resolutely early, what would happen if he went to bed earlier? Would he actually sleep longer?
• Cut all privileges down to a bare minimum, and simplify everything else you can in your life, until it feels like you are making progress thru this rough patch.
• If he says he hates or wants to harm you just reply "Well that's a shame, because I love you to bits" -- he's testing you because he feels safe to express his anger around you, something else is frustrating him and he can't get the anger out otherwise. You need to let him know his feelings are ok and valid, to get to the root of what's causing them.

Also, if you can come up with an activity or something you do with your DS1 and only with him, baking or making something, just for 20 minutes or so, it might restore some good feeling between the two of you.

Just to fill out the picture a bit more lljkk - saltire used to work as a childminder in Scotland, but due to the different regulations she is having to jump through hoops to do it now she is in England and can't begin childminding until at least March. As a consequence she is having to work 20 hours a week doing a job which aggravates her fibromyalgia.

Thinking of you saltire and hope you get somewhere with the head tomorrow(((hugs)))

saltire, just wondering how you got on with the head today.

She is going to ahve a chat with his teacher. Then I am going to speak to the school nurse one day this week - when she rings me - and then go and see the head with the nurse.
DH discovered the broken PS2 controller on Saturday night. he threw the whole PS2 down the stairs in a temper. He then said that it's my fault that the boys don't behave becasue I'm too soft with them. I mollycoddle them - that's why DS2 cries every day saying he has a sore tummy and not wnating to go to school. He says its my fault that they leave things lying aorund becasue I'm an untidy person (which i am, Ia dmit). I started to get upset and he told me that he was sick of me crying and he was close to "losing it". All my life I've been blamed for everything,even now when the DSes play up my mum and MIL agree with DH and say I am too soft with them/I childmind/I work/ etc etc. It's also my fault I'm in apin so much of the time becasue "you don't do anything to help yourself".DH has blown up like this three times since we moved. I actually think he's stressed out at work - more than he wants to admit.
Ds1 has started again as soon as he got home from school. He wnated to go out and play and I said he was grounded for screeching (and I mean screeching) this morning becasue he didn't want to wear a coat, and I wanted him to wear one.

Message withdrawn

Thing is Cod, he's not normally like that - it's only since we moved. I really think DH is stressed. more and more recently he has talked about coming out of the Military, and I think with me feeling like I am - DS1 and 2 being like they are just isn't helping

Good news from the school saltire - hope this will help in the long run.

very and to hear your dh's reaction. Does he usually act like this? I'm sure he is stressed out with work - but surely any sane person can see that if your ds watches your dh behave in this way, that's where his own behaviour emanates from as it appears to be acceptable

Ah crossed posts. Thing is, he is exacerbating the situation, whether he means to or not.

Can you sit down with dh at some point when he is feeling calmer and work out a way to go forwards from here? You are a family in crisis I feel and something big needs to change

Miaou - I've never seen DH react like this before. He has lost his temper 3 times since we moved here, but that's the most aggresive thing I've seen him do - if aggressive is the right word. I'd be out the door like a shot if he hit me or the DSes. He's normally quite placid, although he does, like me get annoyed at Ds1's behaviour

TBH I feel like I'm being pulled in all directions, I just want to curl up in a corner somewhere and cry/hide

Saltire no matter how stressed your DH may be there is no excuse for a grown man to thrown a PS down the stairs...

No excuse at all...

but well done you for trying to cope with it all, you are doing a good job, you are trying to improve things...

Don't let people like your DH pass the blame onto you... tis obvious from reading your posts where the blame lies..

I think part of the "crisis" would be solved if I could get some sort of medical help with my Fibromyalgia. The visit to the pain clinic was a waste of time as the doctor there decided all ym pain was being caused by Migraines - which would be a good theory if I was actually getting migraines every day. He also told me to stop taking Co_codamol, as it caused headaches. Apart from flares up of facial pain, I don't get many headaches. If it is the casue then is hould be getting them every day as I'm in pain every day. My GP then suggested that my mother "sells up and moves down here to help you", followed by Come back and see me in a month

oh fgs how bloody unhelpful (gp I mean)

I think you need to have a family meeting and decide what to do. Maybe moving back to Scotland and dh leaving the military is the only way to go. Or is there any possibility of him getting transferred somewhere else?

Must go and sort tea but I've a lot more thoughts and will come back to this later this evening.

OK - some more thoughts for you. Can you make a list of all the things that are not right in your lives at he moment, then work out which ones you could easily change, and which you could change if you made big changes in your lives. Also, you need to work out (with dh) what is most important in your lives just now - is it more important to weather this period for the sake of dh's long-term career prospects? Or is your dh serious about doing something different? How straightforward would it be for him to leave the military? What would he do instead and would it involve retraining? Would you both want to go back to Scotland if you could?

In the short term - could you go to see another doctor for a different perspective on your facial pain?

Something has got to change in this situation and you have both got to be proactive about it. Sounds to me as if you are as worried about dh as you are about the boys.

And try not to take his outburst to heart too much - IME it's a man thing - if things are outwith their control then they blame those around them.