Hello,
I can see how draining it must be to be around this constant bickering, of course you just want them to get on! I know it doesn't make it any easier to take but sibling rivalry is very common. It will help to have this in mind when its happening so you can help them through these feelings they might be feeling rather than feeling sad, disappointed and at a loss as to why they aren't treating each other how you'd have liked.
Here are some of the reasons it happens:
-To get attention form you (even if this is negative attention)
- To connect with their sibling
- To get physical contact
- To entertain themsleves, because winding their sibling up might seem more fun to them then whats going on
- To feel powerful
- To become the favored one by their parents by making their sibling look bad
Whist reading through the above you might have thought, well that's a funny way of showing that but kids do have a funny ways of expressing their feelings when they don't know how to cumminacate them properly. So, that's where communication, talking things thorugh and modelling can really help...
We need to try and be detectives in working out what it is they might be feeling/sparking this behavior and guiding them in more appropriate ways to get their needs met.
But remember some sibling rivalry is inevitable and children do learn many valuable skills from if so sometimes we do need to take a step back, it can be more exhausting constantly feeling like you need to diffuse things. Remember you are completely within your rights to say that you need to go into an other room walk away because you don't enjoy listening to it. This is modelling self regulation.
You can set up a traffic light system to work out times in which they would like you to intervene:
Green light
Normal Bickering, minor name calling
Parent’s role – Stay out of it.
Yellow light
Borderline, volume is going up, nasty name-calling, mild physical contact, threats of danger
Parent’s role – Acknowledge anger and reflect each child’s viewpoint.
Orange light
Potential Danger, more serious, half play/half real fighting
Parent’s role – Inquire: “Is it play or real?” Firmly stop the interaction, review rules, and help with conflict resolution.
Red light
Dangerous Situation, physical or emotional harm is about to or has occurred
Parent’s role– Firmly stop the children and separate them. If a child is hurt, attend to that child first, review the rules, and possibly impose a consequence.
I hope all of this helps a bit, I can go into more detail but I don't want to overwhelm you so do let me know if you want any further explanation on any of it :)
Olivia