Advice for a mum feeling down

[APmum11]

Hi all,

First time mum here feeling a bit meh. My DD will be turning 5 months at the end of June and I thought by now, I’d really be enjoying the motherhood stuff. She was a dream newborn who slept a lot and cried only a little but since turning around 12 weeks has definitely become more of a ‘personality’ (read: let’s me know when she doesn’t like something!). She isn’t willing to go to anyone but me and her dad (having developed stranger danger pretty early on) and her dad works 6 days a week which means it’s usually just me and her.

We go for a walk almost everyday and try and fill our day doing lots of activities but in all honesty, I find myself counting down the hours until bedtime usually (which has been very eventful anyway since the four month sleep regression hit).

I find myself really missing work and being at a loss of what next “to do”. I’m thinking of going back to work early but feel scared for the judgement I’ll likely receive.

Does it get better? I keep holding out for when she’s 6 months and is more mobile/ can play independently for at least 5 mins but I’m not sure if that’s even the case!

I went through a bad patch at around 5-6 months too, @APmum11 - I found it really, really hard. Life just seemed to be an endless cycle of drudgery - feeding, cleaning, nappy changes, repeat.

It absolutely gets better - it's still hard, but for different reasons. I think they become more "fun" as they start communicating etc.

I don't think there would be any judgement if you went back to work early - I know two women who did, and they said it was absolutely the right decision for them. I'd give yourself a wee bit more time to make the decision though, even at five months post-partum my hormones and body were still quite messed-up and I didn't feel like myself.

How about doing some KIT days - is that an option? It would give you a taster of being back.

@RedPandaFluff thanks so much for your reply. That’s exactly how I’m feeling - I’m not sure what I expected maternity leave to look or feel like but this isn’t it.

Totally get that. I never thought I would enjoy the newborn stage that much compared to when they get a bit more interactive and I have found that to be true.

I’m trying to wait it out until August time before making the decision for sure but even getting to there right now seems like a million years away! Can I ask when you returned to work and how you found it? Are months 6-12 much better or not?

I have my KIT days lined up to start in September but could definitely consider bringing them forward. Thanks for suggestion, now just to get someone to look after DD while I escape for a day!

I found things so much easier and more fun from about 6 months onwards - my daughter could sit up and so be a bit more independent with toys etc, and also weaning and introducing meals (she was a hungry baby so moved onto three meals a day quickly) gave the day some structure which I really needed. I really wasn’t a fan of the newborn days, but have enjoyed each passing month from about 6 months more and more (my daughter is 27 months now)

That said, do what’s right for you - if you want to go back to work a little early, do it and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks!

@NewMum0305 thanks so much, you’ve given me some hope! My little girl seems to get quite annoyed that she can’t do things currently so I’m hoping once her body catches up with her mind, she’ll be happy with the new found “independence”.

That’s great that weaning went so well. I’m excited for that stage as another “activity” in the day. Only thing is, my little one isn’t a huge milk drinker - just hoping she likes solids!

Thank you!! I’m definitely going to hang in until the end of august before making any final decisions (she’ll be 7 months then) - hopefully it’ll all work out

I also remember a difficult patch around this age. My wee one was desperate to sit up (so she could wave toys around madly) and also wouldn't tolerate me being out of her sight – even daddy wasn't acceptable. It does pass and it does get better!

That said, if going back to work is what is right for you, do it – much better for baby to have a happy mum.

Things that I found helped me: Trying to do something most days that didn't need to be done again the next day, or even next week. Nothing huge, just having spent 15 minutes on a project, ordered a friend's birthday present, or written a long-overdue email, but having small goals helped break the sense of endless, repeating chores and made me feel liked I'd accomplished something.

Another is trying to give your week a bit of structure so the days don't seem so much the same. It can be as simple as 'on Mondays we take a long walk and a picnic' or 'Wednesday we do the weekly shop', but I think it helps if at least some of them involve other people (also helps fill the time!). I don't know what you already do for activities – baby groups are obviously one option, but is there a friend or relative who might be happy to meet you for a walk/lunch/tea semi-regularly or something like that?

I also tried to keep one highly attractive toy in reserve for those times when I really, really needed a break. At that age I think it was a ball that had lights and noises when baby prodded it.

@skkyelark thanks for sharing. That describes my little one to a tee! Great neck control and loves to try and bear her weight on her legs. Also madly waves toys around in her hand and rolls a lot - but much prefers to be ‘up’ and able to be nosy. Also needs to be able to see me at all times - great to hear that it does pass.

That’s a great idea. I do certain household chores each day as a way to have felt like I’d accomplished something that day but I feel that’s also getting a bit repetitive.

I also try and meet certain people each day (my brother on Wednesday for a lunch time walk, an NCT friend on Tuesday for a trip to the park etc) but I think as you suggest, I’ll start branching out more re: doing the weekly shop on certain days etc. too.

I’ll also try the toy thing (currently all the bells and whistles in the world don’t seem to keep her entertained for long!)

I went back to work when DD was just over a year old and I have to be honest, it was a little bit of a relief. I struggled with all the singing nursery rhymes and messy play and thinking up activities etc. and found playing with her to be quite hard; all those things didn't come naturally to me . . . I can't believe I'm writing this because we went through hell to have her, but it's true; I think I might not be a "baby" person. But going back to work meant that I could be "me" again during the day and then I found myself really looking forward to being with her, and focusing completely on her, and I think I became a better mum for it. She loves nursery and they do such amazing activities and things with them, it's much better than I managed!

I think a good plan would be as you've suggested - stick it out for another few weeks, then do some KIT days. That might help you see more clearly.

@RedPandaFluff thanks so much for your insight. I think that will be the case for me too - work will mean having a bit of ‘me’ back but also provide me the opportunity to actually miss her.

I’ll do that - thanks again.

@APmum11

I had exactly the same thoughts when my bub was that age. She's now 2.5

I thought too that I wanted to go back to work after maternity leave finished but there was a turning point when bub was around 10 months....the laughing the crawling. I just loved it! I only returned to work a few mornings a week - and I'm still doing that! Hubby works 5 days a week which I've got used to.
I thought I needed heaps of adult company but I found that just a few Mornings was enough - plus being out of office politics but getting all the details is quite good makes the morning interesting!! The it's back to craft ideas and fun with my DD.

But it felt like a long road to that and I'm totally with you there in the way you feel. It doesn't get easier as such - it - and for me - it gets more enjoyable and fun!

Have a look at Instagram for game ideas for 6 months - lots of sensory play with just a tissue box with cards to "post" kept my bub happy for half hour! Chance to grab a cuppa.

On days when I felt down and it was all the same I used to have a nice bath and go to bed early with bub. I felt heaps better the next day even being up a few times in the night.

Hi easy on yourself. Your a great Mum.
Much hugs x

@springseason22 thank you so so much for your kind words. It’s so nice to hear other mums have had this ‘dip’ around this age too.

That’s great! I’m really hoping we have a turning point like that too - she’s so lovely and giggly even now but I can’t wait until she seems to ‘get’ the world a bit more you know? Good point about the office politics lol! My job is a kind of ‘all or nothing’ one - going part time would mean doing the same job in less hours and being paid less for it!

Thanks for all of the suggestions - I’ll definitely check them out. I’ve also brought a bouncer today so hoping we have some fun time with that in the coming days.

Thank you so much ❤️ X