Can't cope with toddlers behaviour anymore

[Gem1997]

I’m at the end of my tether.

I have two toddlers (2 and a half girl, 3 and a half boy) and their behaviour is out of control. I’ve tried everything possible, time out, naughty step, taking toys away, sent to their room, reward chart, ignoring them, distractions and even at times I have shouted. Absolutely nothing works.

If I send my eldest to the naughty corner he starts kicking and punching the wall and screaming no at me. My youngest has copied a lot of this behaviour from her brother.
They completely trash everything, new toys will be broken (on purpose), my makeup, the tv.. they throw food on the floor and pour their drinks on the carpet… they’ve even climbed over the baby gate in their room at 5am a few times, went downstairs (we didn’t hear them) and got into the fridge and threw a whole fridge worth of food all over the floor and smeared sauces on the wall. I’ve put locks on the kitchen door, bathroom door and spare room door to stop it happening but they’ve even figured out how to drag the sofa from the living room over to be able to unlock it.

They don’t listen to a thing I say, they literally smile at me when I’m scolding them say ‘sorry’ and do the exact same thing 2 minutes later.

I just don’t know what to anymore and the stress is really affecting my health (I have chronic illnesses).

Any advice? My mum keeps telling me ‘it’s not normal’ but that just makes me feel worse about it. 😔

It does sound more extreme than anything I've experienced. Are you getting any help with them at all?

Just a quick observation but everything you have tried is negative. Have a look at BigLittleFeelings courses for managing toddlers. The most effective strategies tend to be something positive rather than punishments. Good luck

If my 2.5 year old is “naughty” it’s usually because she’s hungry or tired or bored - shouting at her wouldn’t achieve anything. None of those strategies you described would work for many kids that age. A good solid routine of early bedtime and regular meals / snacks / drinks and fresh air really does help keep her calm.

Toddlers need huge amounts of positive attention. As much as you can give them. They need your time and your patience. Huge amounts of reading to them, sitting with them, chatting with them. Letting them help with little chores and loads of praise for doing it. Stirring the baking. Digging in the garden etc. They have huge amounts of energy they need to get out everyday and it’s our job to help them direct that into positive things because if they don’t they will do things like pull all the food out of the fridge for something to do. It’s not them being badly behaved.

Parenting is so hard, sorry you're feeling so stressed. As the last two posters suggest I would suggest the only thing you haven't tried perhaps is positive attention. When kids are badly behaved it's because something is wrong for them eg too hungry, not enough caregiver attention, too tired, underexercised, bored. I used to say 'no dont do that' and have changed it to a positive rephrasing eg 'the sand stays in the sandbox or it gets put away.' Then hold that boundary but do it calmly and kindly. I've recently come.by 'Hand in Hand Parenting and have seen amazing results using 2 of their methods: my 3 year old son has recently started beginning to hit and bite me again. Not in any big deal way but rather than tell him off (which would be unfair because he's got little impulse control at this age and he is just trying to communicate a big feeling he can't handle) I grab his hand before it gets to me and say this hand needs a kiss. Then I shower him in kisses. The tension is broken, there is laughter and connection and all is fine without guilting him for his feeling which is all his hitting is. Once the tension is broken and moods improved if the hitting was particularly bad I simply say 'we don't hit' and we move on. Are you giving your kids at least 20 minutes of your undivided attention each day? If not try that too - let them dictate the game / play completely. It will fill their emotional cup up and you'll find better behaviour and more independent play after. See if you can identify why they're frustrated when they're having a meltdown and just sit with them and listen and really look like you are trying to sympathise. If they're making demands of you that make them appear like little dictators it's about feeling a lack of control, so consider where you can hand a bit of control back to them. It sounds like you have a really tough situation with your illnesses ,so I'm sorry you're having to deal with that among all of this!

It sounds to me like your kids need you to give them some love bombing and to set your boundaries and keep to them while doing it kindly. I know it seems counterintuitive but I would stop all 'nos' and anything that makes them feel naughty. Tell them at the start of the day what you're all going to do. Ask if you can play with them then throw yourself into it for 30 minutes, no toilet break, no doing jobs on the side, just focus on them. Then say eg 'I need to do the laundry, will you help me? Make it fun, don't expect too much. If they say no, don't sweat it. Find your routine, and try to flip your thinking of their behaviour into them telling you something about their emotional needs, rather than bad behaviour. Kids at this age are NOTHING like adults. Their brains make them utterly unable to cope with a lot of things and they can't see anything from your pov until closer to 7 years old! Good luck. Have a look at Sarah Ockwell Smith (you'll find on Facebook) or Hand in hand Parenting where you can find another parent to vent to while getting help with behaviour xx